1.If you want something, go and get it: I
was taught that nothing was impossible as long as I was ready to work for it.
2.Enjoy your childhood: Boy did I
take that advice and run with it! Good times :)
3.Not everyone can be your friend: I accepted
from an early age that some people would like me and some
wouldn't so I never wasted time or tears on the latter.
4.You are black: This may seem like a
pointless statement but in order to survive institutional
racism, the colour of my skin and the prejudices that came with that had to be
highlighted.
5.Knowledge is power and therefore an
education is essential: My parents never told me what to study or
which knowledge would benefit me but they instilled the hunger for
knowledge in me and it has served me well.
6.The things you do today will affect
your tomorrow: This made me think twice before doing anything stupid.
7.Common sense is more important that
getting A's at school: Common sense really isn't common.
8.Seize every opportunity: This is
probably the best advice I was given by someone outside my family, namely, a
teacher. Taking this advice to heart has allowed me to lead an amazing life
with so many unconventional experiences.
9.It's not everything that you see that
you must say: Some things are just not meant to be passed on.
10. I love you just the way you are: This was hammered
into my head before I would reply 'I love you too' and has allowed me to always
remain confident in who I am as a person.
1. Don't throw away good bras,
breast size changes throughout your life: I have a bit of an obsession
with lingerie and have spent a small fortune on bras. If only someone had told
me that my bra size would fluctuate I wouldn't have given away my good (and
expensive!) bras. *sigh*
2. Failure is a part of life: When
you are a high achiever and good at everything you do, parents are so busy
encouraging you that they forget to tell you that one day, in whatever aspect
of your life, you will fail and that it's ok as long as you get back up again.
3. Graduating from university does
not mean automatic success: I'm sure many people can relate to this one. You
are encouraged to do so well academically and to get an education but nobody
tells you anything about life after graduation.
4. How to make AND keep
money: Most people's answer to this is still "Get a job and
save." I can assure you that that is not the answer.
5. Your 20s are for getting it together: Somewhere along the line we learned that if we didn't have it all figured out by 21 we had somehow failed society. Having babies you can't afford in a marriage based on puppy love and no real way of covering your student loans only equals a very difficult and unnecessarily stressful life. Take your time!
Normal thoughts for a 21 year old
6. There's no such thing as the
perfect relationship but there are many examples of bad relationships: Time and
time again I see people putting up with absolute nonsense in their
relationships all because "No relationship is perfect so you have to settle", many have
even suggested I do the same! Joke's on you.
7. Don't throw away clothes just
because they are no longer the 'in' style: In our lifetimes we'll see old fashions
come back at least once. Has anyone else seen bootcut jeans making a comeback?
8. Honesty is the best policy BUT
sometimes silence is even better: If I had been told this I would have held back
on being honest in many situations and would have saved myself a lot of hassle.
I have learned that people do not like hearing the truth even if they ask for
it.
9. Everyone's idea of 'success' is
different: Some people believe that they are not successful until
they have a six figure balance in the bank and others, more apparent since the birth of
bridal accounts on Instagram (no names!), believe that success is in the size
of the ring and/or wedding. It's ok to have your own idea of success and you
are not 'unsuccessful' for not achieving standards set by others.
10. Not everyone thinks like you: This seems so
obvious but, how many times have you been disappointed by the friend you
thought would do for you what you would do for them? Exactly.
First of all, there is no such thing as 'Talking White', 'white' is not a language.
The fact that stereotypical 'ghetto behaviour' is what many people associate with being black and that anyone who doesn't conform to this stereotype is seen as a sell out is simply disgusting. In the words of Nas:
"Before we came to this country
We were kings and queens, never porch monkeys!
There were empires in Africa called Kush
Timbuktu, where every race came to get books
To learn from black teachers who taught Greeks and Romans"
'I Can' from the 'God's Son' album
Even in history books (as modified as they may be) my ancestors were educated people. Black people as a whole have struggled for too many years and shed too much blood in order for us to be entitled to an education outside of the mother land; to have the European languages we have been educated in spoken incorrectly makes all their efforts seem futile. The funniest thing is that the people who accuse others of 'Talking White' are the same people who can't speak any language (African) that would allow them to 'Talk Black'! *rolls eyes*
Secondly, 'An average black girl'? What does that even mean? In an ethnicity with so many variations in shade, background and culture what does the 'average' look like?
I don't know what black women did to receive so much backlash from the world. Time and time again they have been the backbone and support system to changing history and to creating amazing men as both mothers and wives. Through all storms black women have stood firm, unwavering in their determination to make the next generation better, yet somehow, the people they have been so strong for have become the same people who have shown the most disdain for them. I'm not saying black women should be worshipped but definitely appreciated, if not by the whole world, at least by fellow black people.
I wish more black people would embrace the greatness and strength of our people instead of constantly trying to find a way to belittle and segregate one another. Can we just live?!
"Colourism: Prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group." OxfordDictionaries.com
Personally I have never had to deal with colourism and as a result I was a little shocked to realise how big of an issue it was. Growing up I was a member of the only black family in my town so I had more issues with racism than colourism.
My family is very diverse and as such I have always been around family from all over the world and whom are all different shades ranging from white to black. As a child I was predominantly around my mixed race cousins and white friends but never was I made to feel ugly or less worthy because of my complexion.
This is more or less what my family looks like!
I later moved into the heart of London where multiculturalism is the norm and even then the only brief encounter I had with colourism was a myth (or at least that's what I thought it was back then...) that black boys only wanted to date mixed race girls. I believed it was a myth because I had many black male friends who all dated black girls and my black girl friends never had an issue finding a date.
Fast forward 10 or so years, I now understood complexion jokes in movies, "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice" now seemed like a segregational statement, 'School Daze' was no longer just a funny movie and I become overall more conscious. This is when I truly began to understand just how serious and real the problem of colourism is. Even at this point however, colourism didn't directly affect me and seeing hashtags like #TeamLightSkin and #TeamDarkskin on social networks was as stupid and meaningless to me as the cinnamon challenge.
Scene from 'School Daze': War between light & dark skinned girls
As I am currently at the age of settling down and starting a family, I have started thinking of issues that I could possibly face in the pursuit of creating a happy home. I've been thinking of parenting and the best way to raise a well rounded individual and issues that were previously of little importance to me are now up for review. It occurred to me that my child may be that 'silly' person that needs to tweet their every move to feel important or become obsessed with a celebrity or be that girl that believes a UK size 8 (US size 2) is fat; these are all things that I have never experienced or felt. How do you teach a child that self worth is not based on Instagram likes?
Imagine this was your daughter?! My biggest nightmare!
I have always found it ridiculous that people who looked black to the world would go out of their way to call themselves 'mixed' or tell you "My great-grandad was white/chinese/indian" but understanding the existance of colourism doesn't make it sound as silly to me as it previously did. Colourism, even in its Oxford Dictionaries definition, appears to only affect dark skinned girls but as I was watching 'Light Girls' after having previously watched 'Dark Girls' my heart broke at the idea that my little girl, whether her skin is light or dark, could one day face these struggles based solely on a genetic predetermination she had no control over. That my son could subconsciously have a negative outlook on black women even though he loved those in his bloodline. As if living with racism every day wasn't enough of a burden!
'Dark Girls' trailer (2011)
How am I to prepare my children against the same people they are supposed to be able to stand side by side with to fight for equality of races? How do you explain to a child that not only are other races going to look down on them but that there was classism based on skin tone within their own race? My mum is the colour of brown sugar and my dad the colour of chocolate, I see myself as a perfect blend of the two and have always been made to feel as such; how then can I relate to the feeling a person gets from being the 'wrong' shade of black?
'Light Girls' trailer (2014)
Colourism dates back before the brown paper bag tests (Google it!) and it angers me that colonialism and slavery has left such deep wounds in not only the black race but in other races as well. Finding a cream or lotion in Bankok, Thailand without a lightening agent is like finding money on the street, it happens but very rarely. Lightening products are sold just as freely in supermarkets in Abuja, Nigeria. India is notorious for its skin tone segregation especially when casting for Bollywood movies. In Japan people literally paint their faces white to remove the pigmented appearance of their skin.
Bleaching cream billboard advertisement
I can't even imagine what hating the skin you're in feels like, it's a concept that is quite hard for me to grasp. Outside of the institutional racism that I face every day as a black woman, I have also experienced violent racism but never have I hated myself or my skin colour. Ironically, this could be BECAUSE I grew up around white people. The white people I encountered who were not racist were the first to comment on how beautiful my skin was so I grew up accepting that some caucasians would like me and some wouldn't, either way there was nothing wrong with me and unless they threatened my wellbeing, how they felt about me was their problem and not mine.
This is something I hope I can teach my children, how to love themselves irrespective of outside opinions and to allow others to live their lives as they choose instead of criticising or judging them based on their differences/choices.
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."
Let me start by saying
that I'm officially a product junkie. Lol!
I have spent a small fortune on hair
products since going natural but in 2013 I upgraded from 'Natural Hair Journey'
to 'Healthy Hair Journey' so a lot of products have been set aside (they contained non soluble silicones and/or mineral oils) and I spend
my money much more wisely. Along the way I've learned that it's not really about which products you use but HOW you use them. When it comes to products, one of my
main deciding factors is 'smell'. If the product smells foul it is not getting purchased! The only exception to this rule is shampoo and only because it's
always followed up by a nice smelling conditioner.
I have experimented with making my own
products but as I have said in my Journey and Regimen update, I'm lazy when it
comes to hair so I'd rather just buy it. The only thing I still enjoy making are deep conditioners, I am yet to find the perfect deep conditioner in a bottle.
Here is a list of my favourite products.
Shampoos
Shea Moisture Raw Shea Butter Moisture Retention Shampoo
Dudu Osun/Black Soap
Conditioners
I make an avocado, banana, coconut milk, oil mix (any 3 I feel like at the time) and honey deep conditioner but I also buy a few for lazy days and co-washes.
Giovanni 50:50 Balanced Hydrating-Calming Conditioner
Protective style spray: 1/4 conditioner, 1/8 oils (any 3), 1tsp honey, 3 drops tea tree oil and fill with water
Everyday spray: 1/4 aloe vera juice, 1/8 glycerin and fill with water
Of this list I think only 3 products contain either silicones, parabens, petroleum or mineral oil (Miss Jessie's Curly Buttercreme, Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Conditioner and Let's Jam Conditioning & Styling Gel) the rest, I believe, are 100% natural (correct me if I'm wrong!). I plan to find substitutes for these 3 products and if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments below.
I would also love to hear your experiences with products, things that have helped you on your journey and any recipes you think are a must try. My main issue is moisture retention so any tips with that will be greatly appreciated.
Some of you will already know from my previous blog that I decided to start transitioning from relaxed (chemically straightened) hair to natural hair; my last relaxer was in October 2010. I decided not to do the big chop (cut off all my hair and wait for it to grow back) because frankly, I was scared I wouldn't be able to carry off the look. Instead I cut off 4 inches of hair for every 2 inches of growth (I was too lazy to stick to the original 1inch plan) and since my hair grows pretty quickly, I had cut off all my relaxed hair by August of 2011. This post is just an update on my journey, my current regimen and useful sources of information that have helped me along the way. I will write a separate post to highlight the products I use.
The Journey
As I stated before "I'm not entirely sure why I decided to go natural, my hair wasn't breaking and I wasn't trying to make a statement (none of that afro centric stuff!), I guess I was just tired of depending on my perm."so I didn't have a goal when going natural. My hair has always been an instrument to looking good so I guess my only aim was to look good with natural hair. It did not work out that way.
I loved my hair and the new texture and curls that had replaced my previously silky straight strands BUT I didn't feel like I looked good. Before y'all jump into a lecture about black women hating themselves and wanting to look white *rolls eyes* let me just state that that is simply not the case. I have never liked big hair on me any more than I have liked heavy make up or knee length skirts, it's not a race thing, I just don't like it. Whether it be thick layers of Beyoncé style weave or too many flicks and curls, I just can't deal! Believe me, I've tried!
I am simply not comfortable with big hair so you can just imagine how I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror every day and a huge afro stared back at me. I did the only thing I could do without reaching for the creamy crack (relaxer), I got a weave. For three months I got weave after weave and refused to face my new hair but it was a very short term solution. I hate weaves too. They itch, they make my head sore and the feel of hair that isn't mine on my face and neck was just too much for me to bear! I was stuck between a rock and a hard place - weave or afro? I chose my afro. I hate big hair but I hate weaves more!
Luckily by this point my hair was long enough to go into a comfortable bun with neatly slicked sides. On bad days when my hair refused to co-operate I would do a puff but I felt very self conscious and uncomfortable. I tried braid/twist outs but to date (August 2014) I am yet to have a successful one. It took me a while to understand that hair had to be treated right to maintain its health, as a permed chick I always had a hairdresser deal with those technicalities but it became my responsibility and boy did I make many mistakes!
Mistake #1: Avoiding water - I grew up, like most black girls, believing water was bad for your hair. As a natural I avoided water because of the shrinkage, I lose 50%-75% of my hair length when my hair is wet so in order to avoid a tangled mess I avoided water. Now I know better and dampen my hair at least once every two days.
My relationship with water explained in a picture lol
Mistake #2: Heat - I have had to cut my hair on two occasions as a result of heat damage. I used to blow-dry my hair straight after every wash when I first went natural (habit from my relaxed days) which meant I had to cut off nearly 7 inches at the end of 2012. Not realizing it was the heat that gave me those hideous ends I continued my blow drying method, albeit less frequently, so by May 2013 I had to cut off another 5 inches. By this time I had started following a few natural haired ladies and realized that heat was a no no so I went a year (May 2013 to May 2014) without any heat and the results were awesome. I did a 3 inch trim in June 2014 as a result of split ends (residual from the head damage I assume) and now my hair looks and feels great.
Heat styling tools - these were my best friends *covers face*
Mistake #3: Believing my hair couldn't be soft - I don't know where I got this idea from but I guess I just assumed that only people with relaxed hair or silkier textures had soft hair. Since learning how to properly maintain hair moisture my hair has felt heavenly! Probably the best thing I've learned since going natural, if my hair is not soft it's definitely moisture deprived.
Type 'soft hair' in Google images. No comment.
Mistake #4: Laziness - As I said earlier, my hairdresser dealt with protein/moisture balances and hair maintenance, all I had to do was show up and pay! Going natural made all that my responsibility and boy was I lazy! I often went to bed with no headscarf/bonnet, ignored moisturising, all the while complaining about dryness and once my Senegalese twists were in, my hair was ignored for 5-6 weeks at a time! *covers face* All this resulted in so much 'repair' work that I just had to change my ways and schedule hair maintenance days (I have a busy life and wash day takes forever) to ensure things never got too bad. I'm much better but I still have a lot to learn.
There is a myth that natural hair = healthy hair and this is NOT TRUE! I learned that the hard way :( By 2013 I had accepted that my minimalist approach to hair wasn't doing me any favours and that if I wanted to look good with natural hair I would have to actually put effort into it. I had seen some Youtubers say they washed their hair 3 times a week and each wash took them 9 hours! That was NEVER going to be me! I have a life and a career and one day I will also have kids, no way was I going to get into a habit of spending 27 hours a week on hair washing alone! I decided to learn what was essential and try to squeeze it all into a once a week routine. Based on the knowledge I obtained I built up my current regimen and I am happy with it. Wash Day Regimen
Pre-poo: Apply coconut oil and detangle the night before. Cover with shower cap and satin bonnet then go to bed
Rinse out coconut oil and co-wash
Apply deep conditioner, cover with shower cap and towel, leave in for 45-90 minutes (on a really lazy day I leave it in for up to 3 hours! *covers face*)
Rinse out deep conditioner. Blot out excess water with a t-shirt and apply leave-in conditioner
Allow to air dry till hair is no longer wet, but still damp and use LOC (Liquid, Oil, Cream) method
Style and/or air dry
Once a month I also shampoo with a sulfate free shampoo. I have previously tried Apple Cider Vinegar rinses but I didn't notice any benefits. Upon further research I discovered that since I have low porosity hair, ACV isn't optimal for my hair's moisture absorption so I just cut it out all together (I didn't need asking twice! Lol!).
I still get lazy but I try to ensure I wash my hair at least once in 10 days and I now know when my hair needs attention. I haven't perfected the art of "listening to your hair" but by keeping this regimen my hair has definitely become more manageable and there's less fighting before getting it into a neat bun. Hair Details
Using several sources I was able to determine some characteristics to my hair :
Hair Type: 4B/C - The front and crown of my head is 4B while the back and sides are 4C. This makes it a nightmare when using products and probably why twist/braid outs never look quite right.
Hair Porosity: Low - This makes it a nightmare to absorb moisture and product build up is a constant battle. I deep condition with body heat to increase absorption.
Hair Density: Medium - I have to go easy on hair butters otherwise I end up with limp & lifeless hair.
Hair Width: Medium/Coarse - This is great because I'm not affected by breakage, my strands are quite resistant.
Current Hair Length: Between shoulder and armpit length - I've never been big on hair length (more hair, more problems) but I have set myself a goal to become bra strap length by August 2015, I'll keep you updated.
Hair Length Chart
With assistance from my lil bro - nearly armpit length (June 2014)
Understanding my hair properties made wash day, styling and buying products much easier. Even if the Youtuber's hair LOOKS like yours, something as small as a difference in porosity will mean you don't get the same results as her with products and/or styles.
Texture shots - 4B/C right? The shrinkage is crazy!
Natural hair is a lot of work compared to relaxed hair and I still have A LOT of bad hair days. I don't know if I will ever go back to relaxers but for now I'm happy to keep experimenting with my natural hair. Below are a list of some of my favourite Youtube channels and blogs, hopefully you'll find them as helpful as I did.
