One Minute Man

Women almost always remember their sexual partners, mostly because they don't have ridiculous amounts like guys do and partly because they are more likely to have an emotional link to the person than a guy would (this obviously isn't true for everyone), but there are two certified ways to ensure you go down in herstory - great sex and bad sex! 

I have been in many conversations with my girlfriends where they discussed sexual partners and the ones that really get a mention (none of that tell all nonsense, we are women out here!) are the guys that rocked their world and the ones that had "no RIDDDDIM!" (That's a quote!)

When they tell me of these dudes that just didn't hit the spot, my question is always "Did you tell him?" and their reply is always "Nah, you know how guys are sensitive about these things", "No, I just never slept with him again" or "No but I gave it a few more tries to make sure it wasn't a one off". I am yet to meet a girl that has told the dude that his package didn't deliver! Now they all know me, if I was to find myself in that situation I would have to break it down! No way would I let a guy abuse my body in such a way! On top of all that, not only are they disappointed at the lack of fireworks but the guy leaves thinking he's Trey Songz (even though the neighbours don't know who the hell lives next door!) and repeats the experience with another unsuspecting victim!

And it doesn't end there! One of my girls in particular knows this guy (we call him 'One Minute Man' due to his lack of durability in their encounter) who decides to resurface every two months with the same proposition "Hey babe, we should hook up or something and maybe I can do you like I did last time *dirty laugh*". So the poor girl can waste another one minute? I think NOT! And considering it's been about 3 years since the wasted minute, she's openly single and she hasn't taken you up on your offer,  shouldn't that tell him something wasn't quite right? 

I blame the girls of course. If they had immediately told the guy the deal he would have spent more time perfecting his trade and less time dropping Casanova lyrics!

So ladies - if you find yourself in a situation where the dude had you making a mental to-do-list while in the sack TELL HIM! If not for yourself do it for the poor girl that's gonna come after you, I'm pretty sure you wish someone could have warned you!

And guys - if you're not making it through your playlist and the girl ain't displaying 'Signs of Love Makin' or acting like she's on a 'Bike Back' then there is definitely something wrong with your 'Bump 'n' Grind'!!!

Not Rude, Honest.

Salaam alaikum vs Jesus loves you

***Post specific disclaimer: I have nothing against Muslims or Christians and my family has members of both religions, this post is specific ONLY to the people who, in my opinion, are not taking religion seriously. Thank you.***

A few years ago, circa 2005, there was a trend in and around London where every Tom, Dick, Harry, John and Fred decided they had to become Muslim. I call it 'The Era of the Trophy Muslims". This trend meant that everywhere you went there were people, especially guys, who would be shouting "Salaam alaikum" ('Peace be upon you' in Arabic) across the street at each other to let everyone else who couldn't tell from the trousers tucked in their socks, the beads hanging from their necks and the 'muslim scarf' (a black and white scarf that has no relation to Islam whatsoever!) that they were Muslim! *rolls eyes*

These individuals would then use their religion as an excuse to form cliques (that could have arguably been called gangs considering the activities they took part in!) and went around forcing people to convert (sometimes at gun point!). It was clear that these individuals obviously did not take the religion very seriously, probably only stepped into a mosque once and once I even witnessed a girl remove her burqa (the garment that covers Muslim women from head to toe) and niqab (the veil that covers a Muslim woman's face) to have lunch during ramadan! (John Ruskin College alumni 05/06 please testify!)

So the trend, like most, died out and a new one seems to have now taken over. I call this "The Era of the Leisure Centre Christians". For the past few years, starting circa 2009, being Muslim has no longer been 'cool' so the new religion of choice became Christianity. Now I don't mean people who just convert and decide to join a church, I'm talking about the ones who use the 'Born Again' route to becoming 'cool'. These people, like the Trophy Muslims before them, ensured everyone knew they were 'saved' by screaming "Jesus loves you my brother/sister" in greeting to their fellow 'saved' Christians across the street in case anyone missed the rosary around their neck and the Bible and dutiful notebook in their hand, form cliques and ostracise anyone who isn't also born again because they believe that they will be tainted by association. As a result of this, they decide to cut off all old friends that refuse to become 'saved' and after going to what seems like a maximum of three Bible studies they suddenly believe they are better than everyone and can go around judging people! 

Who died and made you God? Did you miss a whole chunk of the Bible while memorizing quotes and bypass the part that said there is only one God, Christians are not to judge others and Jesus allowed prostitutes in his presence? Getting baptised by being dipped in a pool at your local leisure centre (hence the name I gave them!) does not make you holy and it surely doesn't give you a free pass to Heaven!

The thing that annoys me about these Trophy Muslims and Leisure Centre Christians is that, because of the loud way in which they go about their business, they are unfortunately representing the religions and doing so very erroneously. Nobody is perfect and all religious people strive to live a good life in order to get to the promised land so when these fools go around giving the seriously religious people a bad name, they are causing others to not take the beliefs seriously! You should not be proving your holiness to anyone but the Creator so why are people stunting with it like it's a Blackberry? You got Trophy Muslims bombing and leading gangs and Leisure Centre Christians thinking that they are better that everyone while f**cking at the back of the church! I mean, do you not fear God?

Just to ensure there is no confusion, I am not saying ALL Muslims or ALL Christians/Born Again behave like this, I am addressing the few that do and I pray that God forgives you for making a mockery of something that is very serious.

Not Rude, Honest...

Angry Black Woman

Am I the only one that feels that black women are being attacked more frequently these days? If it's not our weave, its our dress sense, if not that then its our way of life and if all else fails they attack our figures! Everyone is looking for flaws in black women and it's really annoying, leave us alone already!!! 

The most recent 'imperfect black women' witch hunt came from someone who used his position to pass opinion as fact by claiming that all black women are ugly! Although I have many un-ladylike words I'd love to express, I will not allow his foolishness to ruin my mood, people like him do things for a reaction and I will not be joining the many people who gave him one, I will give him what he deserves - nothing!

It is these continued attacks that lead me to address a very common, yet infuriating, stereotype - angry black females. This concept makes my blood boil every time and even more so when I hear it from black males. Now I may not be the best person to address this topic as I do have a very, erm, 'fiery' personality but having said that, how can every woman of a whole race be tainted with the same brush?

For those of you that have not heard (do you live under a rock?) black women are apparently always angry, love to cause a scene, constantly arguing, very aggressive, easily angered, hot tempered and all carry knifes in their clutch bags! I mean, are you for real!? Although I stated that I have a fiery personality (I like to call it 'passionate' but whatever!), none of the things in that list describe me! Ok maybe one but still, I know plenty of black women who have none of those qualities, in fact I can even go as far as to say the majority of them are actually quite mild mannered! The fact that all black women are deemed to be ticking time bombs is ludicrous!!! 

The worst part is that when a back woman does get angry about something genuine we automatically get the 'she's black, what did you expect?' look and are not taken seriously!

As women - black, white, Asian green or yellow! - we are emotional beings so its only natural that when we are sad we cry, when we are happy we laugh and when we are angry we shout! That's what having all that extra oestrogen is all about! I have to admit there are some crazy black women out there but have you ever messed with a Chinese girl's money? She made Naomi Campbell's bursts of rage look like friendly banter!!!

So for all those people that have erroneously black listed black women listen up - we are NOT always angry, in fact the emotional state we are in most often is love! We don't like causing scenes, we like to keep our business to ourselves (it's your fault if you date a drama queen!)! We are not any more hot tempered than the next person with two X chromosomes! We are not all aggressive, our ranking in society forces us to be quite passive actually and if you look in a black woman's clutch bag you won't find anything you wouldn't find in the clutch of a woman of a different race!

All I want is my right to be angry without being labelled for doing so! And to all the foolish black men that help circulate this stereotype SHAME ON YOU!!! If our men can't support us, who will? As for our beauty, regardless of what any two bit researcher says, it's undeniable. 

That is all.

U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alabi, you UGLY!!!

Ok so I don't get why people get all sensitive about the word 'ugly'. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder so don't I have as much a right to call someone 'ugly' as I do to call them 'beautiful'? I'm all about equality and the same way I would tell someone I thought they were ugly is how I would tell a person I thought they were pretty.

My best friend says that 'ugly' is a strong word and I guess it is but if I think someone is ugly what else do I call it? To me 'unattractive' isn't the same thing. If I met a guy who was really good looking but didn't tweak my interest I would describe him as unattractive - he did not attract me. 'Ugly' is when the person just isn't pleasing to my eyes! As the Brits would say - a sight for sore eyes.

I think I REALLY get a reaction when I describe a child as ugly. Now I know ya'll have probably already condemned me to hell for putting the word 'child' and 'ugly' in the same sentence but hey its true, some children are ugly! I personally think I was an ugly toddler (I've been told otherwise but I think that's just people's unwillingness to call a child ugly!) and only became attractive/cute at about 3 years old but hey, that's life! Not every child can model for GAP!

I'm the type that calls a spade a spade and I will not say someone who looks like an ogre is pretty just so that I can be politically correct. I don't use the word 'ugly' to belittle or insult a person, it's just the opposite of beautiful! I have a niece and nephew who are both absolutely gorgeous (not just my opinion, it's common knowledge) and I do have to admit that I pray daily that when I become a mother they end up with an equally gorgeous cousin otherwise all picture taking will be prohibited! I KID, I KID!!! Jheeze, lol! I do wonder if mothers are actually aware that their child is ugly or if they see invisible beauty on their child's face...

So yeah, I freely call people ugly and I don't want to be reprimanded for doing so. And anyway I don't go around telling people they are ugly! Unless they ask me what I think...

Not Rude, Honest!

Au Naturel

So a few months back I decided to go natural which means I have stopped chemically straightening my hair. For those who know me this is probably impossible to believe since I was the kind of girl that never had a kink in my hair, talk less a full blown curl! Nevertheless going natural I am and I wanted to recommend some items that I found to be indispensable on my 'transitioning hair journey' (hair talk for 'chemically straight to natural journey). 

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to go natural, my hair wasn't breaking and I wasn't trying to make a statement (none of that afro centric stuff!), I guess I was just tired of depending on my perm. Over the years I've done everything from growing it long to shaving the back of my head (BEFORE the Rihanna craze!), sported a weave (soon realized it was not for me!) had a bob (again pre-Rihanna) and tried Ghana braids, ponytails and single plaits. Through all this my perm never wavered so I guess I'm giving my hair a well deserved break (I've been perming my hair for well over a decade!). I'm not saying I will never perm again but if this works for me I will just opt for an occasional hot comb instead of a permanently straight look.

First of all I need to state that I did not do the big chop (hair talk for cut off my chemically straightened hair) for various reasons so I probably made the whole process harder on myself. What I chose to do instead is cut off an inch of straight hair for every inch of new growth. I also need to state that my natural hair is of a kinky nature and quite dry so if you have wavier or oily hair you may not want to use these products.

My hair naturally grows very fast so my point of focus was keeping it moisturised and preventing tangling. The items I could not do this without are:

• Wide tooth comb - no way would my hair comb without this! 

• 100% Shea butter - I find it's the only thing that keeps my hair moisturised and helps make the combing process easier so I apply it to my roots.

• Castor oil - I apply this to my ends because those are the driest and it prevents split ends. The problem with not doing the big chop is that my hair now has two textures and what works for one will not work for the other. If I apply shea butter to my permed ends my hair becomes gunky. 

• Coconut oil - I heat it up and apply it liberally to my hair before I wash it. I leave it in for about an hour. It's supposed to work as a deep moisturiser and I guess it does do that but I just use it because I find my hair is easier to comb and it helps prevent tangling.

• Creme of Nature Sunflower and Coconut Detangling and Conditioning Shampoo - I've always used this brand because it doesn't give me that dry feeling after I shampoo. I started using this type just because it has coconut in it! Lol! People say you shouldn't use sulphate shampoos but to be honest I just don't care that much!

• Garnier Fructis Conditioner - I discovered this conditioner by accident and became a huge fan. Once again I only use it because it helps with combing my hair.

• SoftSheen Carson Optimum Care Anti-breakage therapy leave-in conditioner - Another accidental discovery but an amazing one. I feel this product coats individual strands with oil making tangling impossible and combing easy. Absolutely love it!

• Kera Care Essential Oils - I use this to blow dry my hair (natural dry makes my hair feel soft but allows it to tangle) because it gives it a nice sheen, has all the recommended essential oils and it smells great!

I put the images of the exact brands of the products I use but I'm sure any brand of coconut oil, castor oil and shea butter would work.

I am very lazy when it comes to hair and I'm used to just going to my hairdresser every 3 weeks to have him sort it out so this whole taking care of my hair myself is just tedious. As a result I'm not into any specific routine and I just use products that make managing my hair easier as opposed to worshipping it (some people are SERIOUS!). I wash it when I feel it's dirty and I moisturise it when I feel it's dry - that's it!

I found that the net doesn't provide advise for people with hair of a kinkier nature (type 'natural hair' into Google images and see what I mean) which is why I thought I'd add my two cents to the world of natural/transitioning hair. 

Hope it helps!

Who Run The World? Not Beyoncé...

So Mrs Carter is back and I for one think her new song is an epic fail partly because I love the original 'Pon de Floor' by Major Lazer feat. Vybz Kartel and partly because I think her remix/remake doesn't do the amazing beat justice. 

Having said all that, I love what this choreographer Sean Bankhead has done with the track and the dancers, Bad Girls Club, are amazing! (Found it on my fave blog Smart Shoes!)

Beyonce's video for her version is now out and I think that's rubbish too (Beyonce stans I don't want to hear it! *talk to the hand*). This could be because I'd seen the Bad Girls Club tear it up or just because I can't stand her version of the song, either way here's the video so let me know what you think. I must say that I absolutely love the shoes she's wearing when she's on the horse though!

Here's my beloved 'Pon de Floor' for those who haven't heard it. 

Lace-front Epidemic

So this has been upsetting my soul for quite a while and it is getting to a point where I need to speak out now to avoid b**ch slapping the next fool I see with a disgusting hairline.

Why is every Sally, Jane and Mary walking around with a wig attached to their forehead in the name of beauty? Can they not identify their hairline? 

Moreover, if Rihanna and her expensive stylist couldn't pull off the red weave what on earth made you think getting a cheap red lace-front would make you look nice?

Lace-fronts are in theory a great idea, they let you wear a weave that is as close to natural looking as currently possible (who know's what these weave-technicians are cooking up!) but the problem is that too many people try to get the look without paying the price and the result....

Why, I repeat, why would you want to look like this? And the part that really gets on my left tit is the fact that these morons will then look at you like say you're the slow one for not having one on your head too!


Epidemic may sound dramatic but I can assure you that the majority of women these days are opting for the lace front approach and of that population, about 5% are getting away with it. The thing with lace fronts is you either get it right and it looks very nice or you get it wrong and look atrocious! There is no middle ground!


Word of advice - if in doubt (no matter how small!), DON'T DO IT! 

                                   


          

Sex Makes The World Go Round

I'm sure you are all familiar with the saying "Money makes the world go round" and I am pretty sure there was an era in which this may have been true but personally I think that era is over, sex is the new currency.

Everywhere I turn things have become 'sexified' and the new slogan for many businesses seems to be "Sex sells"! The music business have been 'selling sex' for quite some time but even they have crossed the line with both lyrical content and video explicitness. Trey Songz - need I say more?

Other markets have joined the band wagon too - wanna sell perfume? Put a woman stripping in your ad. Shower gel? A bunch of naked bodies will do. Diet pills? A woman jiggling her bum in her undies does the trick. You can't even buy some weed killer without sexual innuendos filling your screen!

Knee cream!

It may be this new 'sexified' world that is making every girl want to be a 'freak' and every guy prove they 'invented sex' or it could just be freedom of speech gone too far but, whatever it is, I feel like I see sex everywhere I turn - both figuratively and literally! (My eyes. Train platform. Drunk people. Say no more.) 

This new way of life has lead to words like 'homo-curious' (someone who has sexual encounters with the same sex but isn't actually gay - they do it out of curiosity! Dumb or what!?) and made a Montana Fishburne out of well brought up girls. I just wish I could go back to the days when all things sex were kept behind closed doors or after 9pm so I had a choice in what I exposed my eyes to. 

It's pretty clear that money has had to take a back seat because sex is now what makes the world go round.