First Date 101

Everyone has a different approach to dating but one thing you shouldn't do is waste each other's time. When it comes to 21st century dating I'm a great believer in filtering; there's no point in getting your feelings caught up in a situation that is destined to end badly. I've put together some tips that I think would be useful when applying the filtering method.

Before I go into my first date tips, a post-specific disclaimer: 

The information in this post is provided as an information resource only and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to dictate your actions and should not be used as a substitute for common sense.

Thank you.

Ok, so let's set the scene: You have somehow met... let's call them 'Doe' (as in, John/Jane Doe). You and Doe have talked a bit on the phone/social media and you are open to the idea of seeing where this could go and/or potentially starting a relationship. 

Pre-date tips:

1. Make an effort with your appearance - It's not your wedding day but first impressions are important so dress in a way that you feel represents you.
2. Discuss the bill- Don't make assumptions on how the bill will be paid, some people are offended when you offer to pay/go dutch or when you don't show signs of wanting to pay; talk about that on the phone to avoid any awkward moments when the bill comes.
3. Create an exit strategy - This may sound shady but some dates are just bad! Why sit through the whole thing? Make sure you know where you are so you can politely excuse yourself, leave your share of the bill on the table (always do this regardless of the previous agreement if you're leaving early) and leave. #NotRudeHonest
4. Let someone know where you are - Call me paranoid but Doe is still a stranger to you so make sure there's someone that will know something is wrong if you don't resurface after a reasonable time.
5. Ask the all important question: "Do you have someone in your life who would have adverse feelings if they knew we were going on a date?" - We all know how it goes, people claim to be single but are still living with their ex or are seeing someone who thinks they're in a relationship or have just had a baby with someone or are still dealing with an ex who thinks they're getting back together... the loopholes are endless! Don't leave your neck open! (Chris Rock reference lol)
6. Location - Choose a place that will allow you to talk, it is important that you test out your chemistry face to face to determine if there really is something there. If you're going to the cinema then have a meal/drinks after, that way you can discuss the movie as well as get to know each other better.

So you're all set and ready for your first date. You're liking their vibe and you think this could really be something. Whatever you do, keep the conversation flowing. Topics I think you should cover:

1. What they want from this situation - We are all at different stages in life, and we all want different things, you don't want them planning their wedding with you if you don't plan to ever get married. Clear things up quickly.
2. Religion - Don't wait to fall in love to discuss this. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship with someone who shares your beliefs, if there's no room for compromise then cut your losses and save yourself the headache.
3. Hobbies - It sounds so old school but you'll be surprised how a difference in hobbies can cause a lot of friction. If they're into wild adventures and your idea of fun is chilling at home, you will find that they will soon find you boring or you'll feel that they prefer to spend time without you doing those things.
4. Career paths - Sometimes careers can get in the way of love. If they plan to take the next opportunity to move to Hong Kong and you're not into long distance relationships, or you work shifts while they prefer a more regular work pattern you need to discuss the possible compromises that will need to be made.
5. Children - You would be surprised at how many people hide the fact that they have children! I've never understood why but they do, so you need to ask and get a straight answer. In most cases the person won't deny it if asked directly, they just don't mention it if you don't ask. Depending on what your stance is on dating someone with kids, you can make your decision nice and early.
6. Things that are important to you - Everyone has different deal breakers, ask questions and find out if those deal breakers are in this situation, there's no point in embarking on a relationship you already know won't work.

Some people may argue that discussing these topics on a first date is a little heavy but they are, in my opinion, the most overlooked topics and yet they can create very deep cracks in the most established of relationships.

Don't let it get to this point, just leave! LOL!

Things not to do on the first date:

1. Don't be late - It's rude and the person is not invested in you enough to wait 45mins for you. If you are running late just contact them to let them know.
2. Don't discuss ex's - Most break ups are complicated in some way or form so once you get on the topic you stay on it for a while; you don't want to spend the time that you're supposed to use getting to know each other discussing a situation that is dead (or it should be!).
3. Don't create a false image of yourself - Everyone wants to put their best foot forward but remember that your relationship may continue beyond this date and your eagerness to impress may come back to bite you in the arse.
4. Don't be on your phone all night - Not just in a romantic date setting but whenever you are out with people, absorb the moment, give the people you're with your attention.
5. Don't talk too much or too little - You need to show interest in the person you're out with so giving them a chance to speak is key but you also don't want them to feel like getting you to speak is like pulling teeth, things will quickly get awkward.
6. Don't feel obligated to do anything - Kissing on the first date is not compulsory, do as you please, it's your date and your life.

Before anyone starts highlighting the anomalies, dating isn't one-size-fits-all so these are just guidelines that will make your life easier and allow you to filter through the many potentials. A happy relationship is one where both parties are getting what they need (note that I said 'need' not 'want') so the sooner you filter and stop wasting time with people you are simply not compatible with, the quicker you'll be on your way to a happy relationship.

Good luck!

The Marriage Formula (Pt. 1)

Oh my gosh guys, its been ages! I looked at my last uploaded post and it's dated February 2015!  O_o

A couple of weeks ago I saw a TED Talk on my twitter timeline (Twitter: @notrude_honest) and I proceeded to watch it. I love TED Talks but I'm not very good at keeping up with things online so I'm heavily reliant on recommendations from friends/colleagues in order to find ones that interest me.

So anyway, I watched this TED Talk by relationship therapist Esther Perel and was instantly reminded of a conversation I'd had regarding marriage. 

We were debating the components that went into a successful marriage and the two most important ones were love and partnership (Please read my disclaimer before you argue this point. Thank you.). To a lot of people the two may be synonymous but we agreed that they weren't; what we didn't agree on was my 'Marriage Formula':

• Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage (good marriage?)
• Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce (bad marriage?)
• Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage

Please note: For the purpose of this post 'love' will refer to the fairytale variety, the "passionate/butterflies in your stomach/can't breathe without you/you complete me/catch a grenade for you" kind of love.

I know that this formula may be widely unpopular but consider what marriage is and why it was created. Before marriage included white dresses, pre-nups and social media hashtags, marriage was simply about survival. You did not choose a mate based on love, you chose a mate based on capabilities; is he skilled enough to go kill an antelope? If I bring the antelope home can she cook it? Are her hips wide enough for safe childbearing? Is he strong enough to build our house and protect our family?  Is he/she healthy? These were reasons to choose a mate and the basis of attraction.

As society developed and customs were formed, coupling became a cause for celebration hence the modern day weddings, and when there was a need for identity and classification, various versions of the modern day marriage certificate were created.

There is still no mention of love. Why? Because marrying for love wasn't practical. Love was something that would develop after the union and even if it didn't, the lineage would continue and humans wouldn't become extinct. There are still many cultures that participate in the process of arranged marriage and some of the world's most popular love stories are based on the effect falling in love with someone 'impractical' has on arranged marriages.

The tragic love story of Romeo & Juliet

So now that we've got that mini history lesson out of the way, let's review my 'Marriage Formula':

Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage: Even if there is no love (please refer to definition above) the basic uses of mating can be fulfilled - survival and procreation - and therefore, if there is great partnership, a marriage, like a business relationship, can have longevity. Regardless of what you consider to be a happy marriage, a marriage based on partnership can be good. The thing that tends to break down these types of marriages is the need for passion/search for 'fairytale' love.

Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce: A marriage based on love can be greatly affected by a bad partnership. In some rare cases love can overcome the lack of partnership and the marriage can survive however, in general, the lack of partnership means that love loses all its glitter and real life sets in. Bills need to be paid, children need to be raised and priorities need to be aligned. Most couples that have "We just grew apart" as the reason for their break up can usually attribute that to an abundance of love but a lack of partnership. They find themselves going in opposite directions in life and although they love each other, their union simply isn't working out.

Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage: What would be considered a perfect marriage by many in this day and age would consist of both a great partnership and love. The practicalities of marriage would be fulfilled by their partnership and their love would take care of the rest.

Lovers & Friends - Teamwork makes the dream work

We've come a long way from living according to basic survival instincts and marriage now consists of a lot more components than it once did, however, in its basic form, marriage can survive without love. I find it really interesting that people, men and women alike, are frowned upon for marrying for stability when that was the whole point of marriage in the first place. Labelling people gold diggers or bums because they choose to marry someone that will make their life more comfortable/stable seems very harsh to me. As long as both parties know what they're agreeing to I honestly don't see the problem.

Although this wasn't the point of Esther Perel's TED Talk, it was interesting to see that her take on marriage was similar to mine and to hear her explain what the changes in our perception of marriage has done to the way we deal with infidelity (I'll cover that in another post). 

At the end of the day, marriage/coupling is now more of a lifestyle choice than a prerequisite for survival and everyone is entitled to do it whichever way they please.

Live and let live!
XOXO

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me As A Child

1. Don't throw away good bras, breast size changes throughout your life: I have a bit of an obsession with lingerie and have spent a small fortune on bras. If only someone had told me that my bra size would fluctuate I wouldn't have given away my good (and expensive!) bras. *sigh*

2. Failure is a part of life: When you are a high achiever and good at everything you do, parents are so busy encouraging you that they forget to tell you that one day, in whatever aspect of your life, you will fail and that it's ok as long as you get back up again.

3. Graduating from university does not mean automatic success: I'm sure many people can relate to this one. You are encouraged to do so well academically and to get an education but nobody tells you anything about life after graduation.

4. How to make AND keep money: Most people's answer to this is still "Get a job and save." I can assure you that that is not the answer.

5. Your 20s are for getting it together: Somewhere along the line we learned that if we didn't have it all figured out by 21 we had somehow failed society. Having babies you can't afford in a marriage based on puppy love and no real way of covering your student loans only equals a very difficult and unnecessarily stressful life. Take your time!

Normal thoughts for a 21 year old

6. There's no such thing as the perfect relationship but there are many examples of bad relationships: Time and time again I see people putting up with absolute nonsense in their relationships all because "No relationship is perfect so you have to settle", many have even suggested I do the same! Joke's on you.

7. Don't throw away clothes just because they are no longer the 'in' style: In our lifetimes we'll see old fashions come back at least once. Has anyone else seen bootcut jeans making a comeback?

8. Honesty is the best policy BUT sometimes silence is even better: If I had been told this I would have held back on being honest in many situations and would have saved myself a lot of hassle. I have learned that people do not like hearing the truth even if they ask for it.

9. Everyone's idea of 'success' is different: Some people believe that they are not successful until they have a six figure balance in the bank and others, more apparent since the birth of bridal accounts on Instagram (no names!), believe that success is in the size of the ring and/or wedding. It's ok to have your own idea of success and you are not 'unsuccessful' for not achieving standards set by others.

10. Not everyone thinks like you: This seems so obvious but, how many times have you been disappointed by the friend you thought would do for you what you would do for them? Exactly.

Girl Power!

I've personally never considered myself a feminist however, I have recently been labeled as one by men who's opinions, although I'm a little skeptical of them, I do respect.

When I think of a feminist I always think of a woman who doesn't want doors opened for her, who has 'Girl Power!' and 'Ms Independent' tattooed to her forehead and who forcibly suppresses her physiological 'womaness' just so she can compete with men. I am definitely not that woman but since more than one person has said the same thing I thought I should look into it.

"Feminist - A person who advocates the social, political, legal and economic rights of women equal to those of men." Dictionary.com

Based on this definition I am not a feminist. Other than the fact that I do not advocate any of the above, I was raised in the traditional "a man is the head of the household" way and I have had no issues with it; I have always seen the dynamic work with mutual respect from both spouses, never have I witnessed the wife being treated as 'less than' for being a woman. I have also always seen it as a dynamic of choice and not one that was forcibly imposed (joys of being raised in the western world). Truth be told, I've enjoyed having the men in my life carry the heavy bags and sort out all things technical, from TVs to computers!

All that changed when I worked in the Middle East. I have always known that Arab traditions didn't allow women a lot of freedom but to be treated as substandard due to my gender (and in my case, my colour too) was a huge culture shock!

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a Nigerian writer and feminist featured in Beyoncé's track 'Flawless', gave a very insightful speech at the 2012 TEDx talk. 

The experiences she described were very familiar as I had experienced them myself while in the Middle East but still, I feel uneasy characterizing myself as a feminist. It's ludicrous that a male and female carrying out the same job role are paid differently and that a person be treated as a ghost just because they happen to be female but, calling myself a feminist somehow makes me feel as though gender equality is where my passion lies. In reality what I'm passionate about is freedom and equality, not just between sexes but between races, cultures and religions. 

I believe in freedom. The freedom to do as one pleases without the fear of judgment or condemnation. In many parts of the world there are women who are unable to do as they please simply because they are female. In Saudi Arabia it is illegal for women to drive and more recently in Nigeria girls were robbed of their right to an education by those who feel  females shouldn't go to school  (#BringBackOurGirls campaign is still ongoing).

The level of freedom I believe in means that if a woman wants to be treated as 'less than' by her husband, who am I to tell her that it's injustice? Why should a successful or opinionated woman automatically translate into a woman who isn't fit for companionship instead of a woman who simply has drive, is hard working and challenges ideas? Why should I assume a female stripper is being used by men, why not consider the possibility that maybe she just decided she wanted to be the object of male admiration? Freedom is about being able to live your life by your rules and yes, those rules may offend others. 

Chimamanda's speech has definitely highlighted things that need to change in our society, especially in the way we raise our boys, but for me it's more about mutual respect and acceptance of others than gender inequality. If we accept that everyone is free to make their own life choices and that it is not our place to impose our personal beliefs on others, equality between genders will surely be a result of that. We should all be fighting for everyone to have the same rights simply because they are human beings and all types of discrimination should be eradicated.

The jury is still out on whether I can officially wear the badge of feminism without feeling like a hypocrite but unlike others, I don't see it as a negative term. If feminism will give all women around the world the freedom of choice that I take for granted daily then it is definitely a positive movement.

Jumping the Broom

I'm at that age where every Saturday means a wedding or a baby shower. It's a time of closing youthful chapters and opening marital ones which of course results in a celebration for all. However, I have noticed some disturbing tendencies.

The first is that marriage is becoming a trend. I don't know if I'm just a little old fashioned but marriage is a BIG deal! The 'till death do us part' kind of big deal! It's not something you just go into because everyone else is doing it and it certainly isn't something you do just to please those nagging aunties that keep asking you "So when are you getting married?"

I know most of you are reading this and thinking "Well, duh!" but trust me, I have noticed the pressures of this era get to the strongest of couples. The truth is, some people are just not ready to get married and they were happy with that fact until everyone around them started jumping the broom, causing them to feel like there was maybe something wrong with them. Add that to auntie Bola's constant nagging and voila!, you have an engagement announcement from an unsure couple.

The second thing I've noticed is the amount of settling that's occurring. Now you guys know how I feel about settling, as I clearly stated in my previous post Mr. Right, I don't play that! I am hearing a lot of "Well I'm twenty-xxx so I can't be picky, any guy I meet and is ready for marriage is a keeper." Now correct me if I'm wrong but this doesn't sound like a good reason to vow to spend your life with someone.

And last but probably the most common, wedding day dreams with no plans for a marriage. As girls we grow up watching Cinderella, Aurora and Belle in their big gowns swaying to music in a huge ballroom with Prince Charming (or Beast as the case may be lol) and we begin at a very early age to decide how our big day is going to look. With age this dream begins to become more elaborate and expensive (girls requesting Cartier engagement rings with no knowledge of diamonds *side eye*) yet in most cases, no thought is given to the day after the wedding and every subsequent day after that.

According to The Guardian, in early 2013 the average wedding in the UK costs around £20K (This certainly didn't include Indian or African weddings! Lol!). The average couple doesn't have £20K in cash to spend on a single day so they tend to require money from both families and a loan from the bank. You'd think with such a huge financial investment on a single day one would make sure they were sure of the partner they had chosen and that they were ready to make a lifetime commitment that is marriage. Unfortunately the answer is no. 

Many couples pay the £20K and have to move in with their parents because they can't afford an apartment. Others spend way above the £20K and then spend most of their married life paying off that one day that was their wedding. I even know of a couple that decided in their 10th year of marriage to get a divorce and had to decide in court who would end up with the remaining wedding loan!

Too many couples (unfortunately its mainly the female counterpart) have great ideas for their wedding day and none on how to sustain a healthy and happy marriage. Starting a marriage in debts up to your ears surely can't be a good idea. The auntie Preeti or uncle Desmond that pressured you into getting married will come to your wedding, eat your jollof rice/akee and saltfish/chicken curry, leave you a £10 Marks & Spencer voucher and go home. If you end up in divorce they will be the first people to say "I could tell from the wedding day something wasn't right about him/her!"

I love these Nigerian Barbie Wedding pics!♥

Marriage is a beautiful thing and I want to celebrate all those who have found that person they want to share the rest of their lives with and have made the vow of commitment to love and to hold. To those not ready or who haven't found 'the one' yet, take your time, there's no rush. Getting married is not a race or an item on a to-do list, just enjoy life and make the commitment when and if you're ready, with the right person for you.

Live, love, laugh x

Why Did I Get Married?

The world has been buzzing with the news that basketballer Kobe Bryant's divorce from Vanessa Bryan cost him an estimated $150 million.

Many people felt this was an unfair settlement and some, like sissy rapper Drake, made their opinion known.  Within his verse on Rick Ross' 'Stay Schemin' track Drake states "Kobe about to lose a hundred fifty M's, Kobe my n***a I hated it had to be him. B***h you wasn't with me shooting in the gym". On the other hand, many females flooded Twitter with indignation stating that although Vanessa wasn't with Kobe 'shooting in the gym', she was at home holding down the fort, cooking his meals, washing his clothes and looking after his children.

                

                    B***h you wasn't with me shooting in the gym

That's coz I was at home cooking, cleaning
& looking after yo kids!

Outrageous divorce settlements are more or less the norm in the world of celebrities but as per usual the question is: Is the person who doesn't directly earn the money entitled to leave the marriage with half (sometimes more!) of what their spouse has earned?

The financial losses associated with divorce have caused people to opt for prenuptial agreements but many people feel that a pre-nup is a sign that the person requesting it doesn't believe the marriage will last or that there is a financial motive to the nuptials. Personally I don't have anything against pre-nups, I feel they are exactly the same as a marriage certificate. 

Before ya'll begin to stone me let me explain. As a Christian I believe marriage between a man and a woman is sacred, there are many passages in the Bible to support this, however, nowhere in the Bible is a marriage certificate mentioned. A marriage certificate is a proof of matrimony and is only really needed in order to divide assets in case of divorce or death of a spouse. So how does this differ from a pre-nup which also is only valid at the point of divorce? The way I see it, if you have a problem with pre-nups you should also be against marriage certificates as they are both legal documents providing some kind of financial guarantee at the point of divorce.

I've heard many people argue that they want to get married because it is the will of God and my response to them is always the same - get married in your religious establishment but don't sign a marriage certificate! I can only speak for the Bible but I have never heard of any religious book stating the need for a marriage certificate therefore, if you are getting married for religious reasons and the security of leaving the marriage with money being married in the eyes of the law isn't your concern, you should happily avoid signing any contracts. No? I didn't think so! *side eye*

It's not what it looks like honey, we were just planking!

Now, you've signed your life away to a spouse and what you hoped was going to last till death did you part only lasted till the cheating swine your partner got their breath back from their adulterous session, do they owe you half of what they own?

My personal opinion on this matter varies from day to day. Contrary to common belief, in cases where 'marital unfaithfulness' has occured, the Bible does teach that divorce is possible although not advisable.

Matthew 19:9 - I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. 

Most days I feel like splitting assets down the middle is the fair thing to do and that its part of the risk you take when getting married. On other days I think it depends on how you came into the marriage, after all, all the two become one stuff is from a religious angle not a legal one. I think that whoever keeps the kids for the majority of the time should get the house and they should also get enough money to maintain the life to which they have been accustomed to. I do feel its somewhat unfair that someone who is broke not financially successful upon entering the marriage leaves it a millionaire, I mean come on, even if Vanessa had been working throughout her marriage would she have made $150M? Very unlikely.

My usual standpoint on break ups is, since I didn't set the terms to ya'll getting together, I cannot comment on the terms of your break up. Would I personally ask for or agree to a pre-nup? I'm 70/30 on 'no' for now but who knows!

Live, love and laugh people, that's what life is all about!