Colourism

"Colourism: Prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group." OxfordDictionaries.com

Personally I have never had to deal with colourism and as a result I was a little shocked to realise how big of an issue it was. Growing up I was a member of the only black family in my town so I had more issues with racism than colourism.

My family is very diverse and as such I have always been around family from all over the world and whom are all different shades ranging from white to black. As a child I was predominantly around my mixed race cousins and white friends but never was I made to feel ugly or less worthy because of my complexion.

This is more or less what my family looks like!

I later moved into the heart of London where multiculturalism is the norm and even then the only brief encounter I had with colourism was a myth (or at least that's what I thought it was back then...) that black boys only wanted to date mixed race girls. I believed it was a myth because I had many black male friends who all dated black girls and my black girl friends never had an issue finding a date.

Fast forward 10 or so years, I now understood complexion jokes in movies, "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice" now seemed like a segregational statement, 'School Daze' was no longer just a funny movie and I become overall more conscious. This is when I truly began to understand just how serious and real the problem of colourism is. Even at this point however, colourism didn't directly affect me and seeing hashtags like #TeamLightSkin and #TeamDarkskin on social networks was as stupid and meaningless to me as the cinnamon challenge.

Scene from 'School Daze': War between light & dark skinned girls

As I am currently at the age of settling down and starting a family, I have started thinking of issues that I could possibly face in the pursuit of creating a happy home. I've been thinking of parenting and the best way to raise a well rounded individual and issues that were previously of little importance to me are now up for review. It occurred to me that my child may be that 'silly' person that needs to tweet their every move to feel important or become obsessed with a celebrity or be that girl that believes a UK size 8 (US size 2) is fat; these are all things that I have never experienced or felt. How do you teach a child that self worth is not based on Instagram likes?

Imagine this was your daughter?! My biggest nightmare!

I have always found it ridiculous that people who looked black to the world would go out of their way to call themselves 'mixed' or tell you "My great-grandad was white/chinese/indian" but understanding the existance of colourism doesn't make it sound as silly to me as it previously did. Colourism, even in its Oxford Dictionaries definition, appears to only affect dark skinned girls but as I was watching 'Light Girls' after having previously watched 'Dark Girls' my heart broke at the idea that my little girl, whether her skin is light or dark, could one day face these struggles based solely on a genetic predetermination she had no control over. That my son could subconsciously have a negative outlook on black women even though he loved those in his bloodline. As if living with racism every day wasn't enough of a burden!

'Dark Girls' trailer (2011)

How am I to prepare my children against the same people they are supposed to be able to stand side by side with to fight for equality of races? How do you explain to a child that not only are other races going to look down on them but that there was classism based on skin tone within their own race? My mum is the colour of brown sugar and my dad the colour of chocolate, I see myself as a perfect blend of the two and have always been made to feel as such; how then can I relate to the feeling a person gets from being the 'wrong' shade of black? 

'Light Girls' trailer (2014)

Colourism dates back before the brown paper bag tests (Google it!) and it angers me that colonialism and slavery has left such deep wounds in not only the black race but in other races as well. Finding a cream or lotion in Bankok, Thailand without a lightening agent is like finding money on the street, it happens but very rarely. Lightening products are sold just as freely in supermarkets in Abuja, Nigeria. India is notorious for its skin tone segregation especially when casting for Bollywood movies. In Japan people literally paint their faces white to remove the pigmented appearance of their skin.

Bleaching cream billboard advertisement

I can't even imagine what hating the skin you're in feels like, it's a concept that is quite hard for me to grasp. Outside of the institutional racism that I face every day as a black woman, I have also experienced violent racism but never have I hated myself or my skin colour. Ironically, this could be BECAUSE I grew up around white people. The white people I encountered who were not racist were the first to comment on how beautiful my skin was so I grew up accepting that some caucasians would like me and some wouldn't, either way there was nothing wrong with me and unless they threatened my wellbeing,  how they felt about me was their problem and not mine. 

This is something I hope I can teach my children, how to love themselves irrespective of outside opinions and to allow others to live their lives as they choose instead of criticising or judging them based on their differences/choices.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

Martin Luther King Jr.

First I Had A Little, Now I Have A Lot...

I have a bone to pick with a few people that "made it out the hood"! Correction - I have two bones to pick with these people.

Bone Number One - can I just say that buying a house outside 'the hood' but spending 6 days a week in the hood is NOT getting out the hood! The hood is not just a geographical location but also a mentality and an atmosphere so if you sleep in a different area code but spend every waking moment in 'the hood' then sorry love you, ain't left anything! 

Bone Number Two - what kind of child with any love for their parent/s at all makes serious money and leaves their mum in an old council flat or, in this case, the projects? I've recently become addicted to a reality TV show called Basketball Wives (don't judge me!) and in a recent episode one of the main characters, Evelyn Lozada, went to visit her mum who still lives in the projects! Now to be fair, Evelyn herself isn't exactly a millionaire but my thing is if you can drive a Porsche (recently traded in from a Range Rover!), wear Christian Louboutin shoes, carry Louis Vuitton bags and own a high end store, then surely you can move your mum from the projects of the Bronx to a Manhattan apartment!

Bronx Projects

Apartments similar to the one
Evelyn lives in

I see this time and time again, these ghetto people are given a break from poverty and they spend their fortune on 'ice', cars, ridiculously expensive (and ugly!) chains, grills and any other unnecessary rubbish they can claim gives them 'swagger' and forget to invest or put money away for a rainy day! Not long after their second album flops (sometimes it's a one hit wonder single!) you then hear stories that their homes are being repossessed and they are moving back in with their mum whom they had left in the hood! I just wish these people would bloody learn to prioritize jheeze! SMH. 

That is all.

 I hope his mum lives in a mansion...

$2,400,000 for a car! Hell no!!!

Family Affairs

In the past two to three years I have noticed that the youth of today just seem to have no respect, home training or 'brought up-cy' and I have to say it really saddens my heart and fills me with fear for the generation my children will grow up in. Coming from an African home my mum used telepathy to communicate with me, a side eye was all it took to get me back on the straight and narrow! LOL! My parents weren't all that strict when it came to my social life but respect for my elders and everyone around me was a must and bush monkey (a person who does not know how to behave in society) behaviour was not an option! 

A recent set of events got me thinking long and hard about the society we live in and what the possible reasons for such a drastic breakdown in morality and respect could be. Are children not being brought up the 'right' way or are they leaving what they are being taught at home when they leave the house? Although I know society has a lot to do with the path our youth are taking these days I still think that the main focus lays within the family structure and that, in the majority of cases, the way a child is brought up determines the choices they make when they are 'let out' into society. 

These are the aspects I have identified and that I think play a role in the deteriorating quality of our youth. This post is going to be long so brace yourself!

FATHERS

People always say I cannot comment on this aspect because I come from a two parent household but I'm going to add my two pence anyway. First of all I do need to say that men need to take more responsibility for their children, it's a disgrace how ya'll spread your seed and do nothing to help it grow. I can't claim to know what it is like growing up without a father but I can say this - stop using it as an excuse! This may sound harsh but the reality is, I know many people who grew up without a father either because he was waste or because he passed away during their childhood and I find them to be the most driven people I know. You need to remember that during wars kids also grew up without a father once they were sent to war and that made them mature faster not become a nuisance to society! As much of a disadvantage not having a dad may be and as much hurt as it may cause, it is no excuse for being waste. I'm tired of hearing "What did you expect, I had no dad", are you telling me that you required a dad to know murder is wrong, unprotected sex is dangerous and that you need GCSE's? Character flaws and personality traits I can excuse but harmful anti-social behaviour I cannot condone. That is all.

MOTHERS

I'm probably gonna get bricks thrown through my window for the following statements. Mothers, 70% of the blame is on you. You're role is to nurture and therefore bring up the children so if you do not instil the right values into your child not only will the child never learn them elsewhere but your child then becomes a nuisance to society. Women need to stop winging and face up to the fact that however we want to sugar coat it children are primarily our responsibility. Too many mums these days are busy trying to look like a 'yummy mummy' and not teaching their children decorum. I see mums in the nail shop ignoring a child that is throwing a tantrum and proudly boasting in the hairdressers that when their child says "Fu*k you" it's cute, followed by a demonstration. Is this life? 

Notice how she said "It's not funny" while laughing? SMH.

An then when the child becomes a teen and doesn't know how to behave in public or they start telling their parents to "F**k off" the mum starts dropping the "I don't know how s/he became like this" line! Puh-lease spare me your crocodile tears, at which point did you use your mannerisms to demonstrate respect for others and that cursing is wrong? Don't even get me started on the parents that allow their children to grind on each other! So you teach them to dry hump and give them lots of attention while they do it but then you are shocked when your child engages in sexual activities with multiple partners before they are legal to buy a cigarette? Don't piss me off! Slap yourself!

My mum would have BEATEN me!!!

PRIVACY

My mum always used to say "You can buy privacy when you buy your own house!" and I couldn't agree more! Too many parents these days are respecting their children's privacy to the extent that they do not know what their child does from day to day and do not know what the child has hidden in their bedroom till the police come knocking! Obviously kids lie but if like my mum you become nicknamed 'DCI' (Detective Chief Inspector) best believe the things your child could get away with without your knowledge would decrease considerably!
Trust me, I know -__- 

Me, I'm in all my young siblings and cousins' business like white on rice! I do regular Facebook checks (on them and their friends!), Google their names and talk to their friends enough to be able to ID them if and when required, I do not plan to play the "If only I'd paid more attention" game!

DISCIPLINE/FEAR OF PARENTS 

Before your child leaves for pre-school/nursery/kindergarten your child should already know who runs things in your household! Many parents are leaving this aspect of parenting 

out either because they feel that the fear they had of their parent/s made for a bad childhood or because they feel their child is too young to learn discipline, whatever the reason, if your child doesn't know you as the boss at the age of 3 then be assured that at 16 you sure as hell will not be ruling over anyone! If your child is not scared of the consequences they will face at home at an early age, they will not know what is and isn't acceptable behaviour when they are receiving a 'street education', you might as well hand your child over to Yungah Bullet after birth.

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

I have noticed a lot of parents are playing the BFF role with their child and I just don't understand it! I guess they are hoping that if they are 'down' with their kids their child will be more comfortable telling them the intimate details of their lives. ***NEWSFLASH*** You are WRONG!!! No amount of matching outfits will get your child to tell you their intimate secrets! To them you may be a BFF but to your child's friends you are still a parent and it is not 'cool' for them to let you in on their life. You only become your child's friend once your role as a disciplinarian is done which is on average when they are 18. 

RESPECT

This for me is the deciding factor on whether you will have a well behaved child or a brat. Parents need to teach their children how to respect other people and more importantly, themselves. The majority of the problems in society today are based on the fact that people are not respecting themselves, the people around them or their environment. No way would I have been caught dead disgracing myself (which my parents thought was a direct way to disgrace them!) in anywhere with more than one witness! What happened to the days where kids were well behaved in public simply to avoid aunty Bola dragging you home by your ear or uncle Kwame reporting you to your dad? Where have the uncle Desmonds that used to 'lick your neck back' (hit you upside the head) if they caught you acting badly gone? I miss the days where the family of a prostitute thought she was working as an accountant and proud hoes people like OG Niki were non existent...

MORALS

Morals shape our society so why parents think they can get away with not teaching their children this essential part of life is unexplainable. Teaching a person morals has to be done both verbally and visually, the 'Do as I say and not as I do' rule cannot come into play here so you have 9 months to read up on it, research the topic and change your life because saying "It worked for me" is not an excuse to raise a child without any morals.

FREEDOM

As I said earlier my parents were very relaxed about my social life, which was very uncharacteristic for Nigerian parents, but I still had rules. I had to come straight home from school and never gallivant in my school uniform. Also I had to have a destination, none of that 'chilling on road' business as my dad used to say "Roads were created to get you from A to B, it's only a destination to homeless people". 
Too many kids are free to just 'jam on road' which is how they end up being at the wrong 
place at the wrong time. It's a parent's job to ensure you know where your child is at any given time and there's no way the vast number of children I see looking aimless on the streets all got away with lying to their parents about their destination, there is clearly a lack of monitoring. To be honest the only destination you owe your child is school and a religious establishment (if you are that way inclined) so why you allow your children to have a fully booked events calendar when they have no qualifications and do not work as PA's is way beyond me. If your child has too much time on their hands, do what my aunt did and buy them some revision books so they can get ahead at school, her daughter could spell 'communication' before I could and there's a three year age gap!

Raising kids is not easy and in this day and age it is probably harder than ever before but the foundation required for a well behaved child comes from the family. There is no way to teach a person how to become an adequate parent, (the Supernanny approach can't work for everyone!) I just think that if parents did their basic duties the rest would fall into place and there would be fewer 'bad seeds'. The increasing number of teenage parents obviously isn't helping things, one fool my brother calls a friend is a prime example of this:

Fool: Nah, on a real though I think it's time for me to breed (impregnate) my girl!
Me: You're not ready, you haven't finished your education, you live with your mum and you're still very young for that kind of responsibility
Fool: Nah man, I'm ready
Me: Do you have baby money?
Fool: Yeah, man's stacked up! I have £20k under the bed *dumb grin*
Me: (-_-)

And on that note my child will be going to private school! No way is my child going to school with the offspring of an individual stupid enough to believe £20,000 is enough to raise a child, when he can't afford the tuition I will be paying he will surely come to his senses! People need to take becoming a parent more seriously, there is so much more to parenting than giving your child 'swagger'.

I believe that if our family affairs are in order then children will know how to conduct themselves outside of the home and as a result the quality of our society as a whole will improve.

Just a thought...

Disclaimer: Please note I did not say that this was ALL it will take to make a better society or that parents are solely responsible for their children's actions, I just highlighted a few points that I think could help!