Girl Power!

I've personally never considered myself a feminist however, I have recently been labeled as one by men who's opinions, although I'm a little skeptical of them, I do respect.

When I think of a feminist I always think of a woman who doesn't want doors opened for her, who has 'Girl Power!' and 'Ms Independent' tattooed to her forehead and who forcibly suppresses her physiological 'womaness' just so she can compete with men. I am definitely not that woman but since more than one person has said the same thing I thought I should look into it.

"Feminist - A person who advocates the social, political, legal and economic rights of women equal to those of men." Dictionary.com

Based on this definition I am not a feminist. Other than the fact that I do not advocate any of the above, I was raised in the traditional "a man is the head of the household" way and I have had no issues with it; I have always seen the dynamic work with mutual respect from both spouses, never have I witnessed the wife being treated as 'less than' for being a woman. I have also always seen it as a dynamic of choice and not one that was forcibly imposed (joys of being raised in the western world). Truth be told, I've enjoyed having the men in my life carry the heavy bags and sort out all things technical, from TVs to computers!

All that changed when I worked in the Middle East. I have always known that Arab traditions didn't allow women a lot of freedom but to be treated as substandard due to my gender (and in my case, my colour too) was a huge culture shock!

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a Nigerian writer and feminist featured in Beyoncé's track 'Flawless', gave a very insightful speech at the 2012 TEDx talk. 

The experiences she described were very familiar as I had experienced them myself while in the Middle East but still, I feel uneasy characterizing myself as a feminist. It's ludicrous that a male and female carrying out the same job role are paid differently and that a person be treated as a ghost just because they happen to be female but, calling myself a feminist somehow makes me feel as though gender equality is where my passion lies. In reality what I'm passionate about is freedom and equality, not just between sexes but between races, cultures and religions. 

I believe in freedom. The freedom to do as one pleases without the fear of judgment or condemnation. In many parts of the world there are women who are unable to do as they please simply because they are female. In Saudi Arabia it is illegal for women to drive and more recently in Nigeria girls were robbed of their right to an education by those who feel  females shouldn't go to school  (#BringBackOurGirls campaign is still ongoing).

The level of freedom I believe in means that if a woman wants to be treated as 'less than' by her husband, who am I to tell her that it's injustice? Why should a successful or opinionated woman automatically translate into a woman who isn't fit for companionship instead of a woman who simply has drive, is hard working and challenges ideas? Why should I assume a female stripper is being used by men, why not consider the possibility that maybe she just decided she wanted to be the object of male admiration? Freedom is about being able to live your life by your rules and yes, those rules may offend others. 

Chimamanda's speech has definitely highlighted things that need to change in our society, especially in the way we raise our boys, but for me it's more about mutual respect and acceptance of others than gender inequality. If we accept that everyone is free to make their own life choices and that it is not our place to impose our personal beliefs on others, equality between genders will surely be a result of that. We should all be fighting for everyone to have the same rights simply because they are human beings and all types of discrimination should be eradicated.

The jury is still out on whether I can officially wear the badge of feminism without feeling like a hypocrite but unlike others, I don't see it as a negative term. If feminism will give all women around the world the freedom of choice that I take for granted daily then it is definitely a positive movement.

Sexual Chocolate

Everyone at one point or another gets tempted by Sexual Chocolate. Sexual Chocolate is that guy or girl that is so tempting yet, may come with consequences. Like chocolate, you may enjoy the experience but may regret the resulting cavities and/or calories.

We live in a generation where sex 'just happens'. There is no introduction of parents, no courting,  no waiting till marriage, no exchanging of cash (prostitution is a lucrative business!), no discussing the aftermath - it just happens. In some cases this may occur with a stranger but, more often than not, it's with a person you know and this is where the concept of 'friends with benefits' was born.

For those of you who don't know, a friend with benefits is a person you have a friendship with but allow to receive the benefits (usually sexual) of a boyfriend/girlfriend.

It sounds like a great deal, the person is your friend and you trust them so what better person to share your body with right? Wrong. As portrayed in the movie, one or both parties ALWAYS end up 'catching feelings'. This seems like an obvious outcome but to many, finding out they feel a little more than just 'friend love' after embarking on a sexual relationship, comes as a surprise.

You see the problem with Sexual Chocolate (the deal) is that it looks so good! You have this guy/girl that you really like as a person, are comfortable with and trust. You are both single (if you're not it's called cheating! *side eye*) and enjoy each others company but getting into a serious relationship, for whatever reason, isn't an option. However, you both have needs so why not satisfy those needs together?!

This arrangement may work for a while but in most cases it eventually turns sour and you're left dealing with the cavities (consequences). Any of the following is likely to occur:

• One person decides they want an official romantic relationship but the other person doesn't feel the same way
• One person finds a guy/girl they want to embark on a romantic relationship with and therefore wants out of the deal
• The relationship loses its 'no strings attached' edge and becomes complicated
• Both parties decide to make the relationship official but then it doesn't work out

In all these scenarios the overall outcome is the same, they can no longer be just friends (calories).

Not all people end up with cavities and/or calories but they are a very lucky few. Some people just get over it and resume being friends but how do you explain to your new partner that this friend is someone you once had regular sex with? Yeah I didn't think so. 

So is Sexual Chocolate worth losing a good friendship? That's the million dollar question but dayum, chocolate tastes so good... 

Not Rude, Honest ;)

Let's Talk About Sex

I don't know if it's the age that I'm at now or if it's just the way the world has developed but I find that group conversations somehow inadvertently turn to discussions on relationships and sex. What never seizes to amaze me is how people in their mid 20's still know so little about sex and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI)! That may explain why the statistics for unplanned pregnancies and STIs are so high in the United Kingdom.

A particular situation was brought to my attention and I had a sense of deja vu since I'd heard exactly the same scenario before. This girl I know had been experiencing some vaginal symptoms and had gone to get tested. She was told she had thrush and was given treatment to clear it up. The part that shocked me was that she was unaware that the majority of thrush cases were not sexually transmitted (women can get thrush spontaneously) and as a result was suspecting her boyfriend of having infected her! The part of the story that truly baffled me was that, even though she suspected him of cheating on her, she did not plan to confront him about it because she feared it would make her look bad! (This did make me wonder if maybe she too had been getting some action outside of the relationship...*side eye*) The fact that she was making a whole parade of a simple thrush infection left me in a confused state, I didn't know whether to laugh at her stupidity or cry at the fact that she genuinely knew nothing about the risks of having sex and possible STIs.

Another scenario is the one in which a guy from my uni tested positive for chlamydia and accused his girlfriend of cheating. The girl swore she had never cheated and that she also didn't have any symptoms. I knew the girl was very much in love with him (in fact she was obsessed!) and I couldn't see her cheating on him so I asked her to contact her ex and find out if he too tested positive. Sure enough, her ex was positive and she had indeed not cheated. If you don't get regular check-ups and do not present with any symptoms you could be walking around with a STI for years without knowing it. Not only does this sometimes result in irrepairable consequences (chlamydia leads to infertility in women), but you also bring problems and distrust to your new relationship. 

Personally I had a great sex education. From the age of 8 to 16 I was educated on sex every year from different perspectives: scientific (egg and sperm), factual (videos and information leaflets) and social (peer pressure and laws around sex). Needless to say I'm pretty clued up on the ins and outs of sex. Also, the teacher that taught me in secondary school was very blunt and one thing she drilled into our heads was "If you can't talk to your partner about sex, don't do it. If the tool looks funny, don't utilize it." They are pretty basic principles but you'd be surprised at the amount of times I've had conversations with girls that have sex but never discuss it with their partner and the guys that have said the coochie smelled funny but they went ahead with it anyway. The number of guys that do not know that chlamydia can be caught from the back of a girl's throat is just ridiculous! Even more shocking is the number of times you hear "OMG we didn't use protection! I really hope we don't get pregnant!". I've never heard a person hope they don't catch HIV.

I've always said that of the consequences of sex, pregnancy is the best one. There is a general assumption that HIV isn't real and that gonorrhoea and chlamydia are easily treated with antibiotics. What people don't seem to understand is that the number of HIV cases in the UK have more than doubled in the past ten years and that chlamydia and gonorrhoea bacteria can become resistant to the antibiotics if the individual is treated too many times. Also, there are some STIs which are much harder to treat like genital warts, and some that you have to deal with for life, like herpes.

People who are sexually active need to make it their business to know all the possible infections that could be contracted while having sex and getting regular check ups should become the norm. I would go as far as to say that when entering a new relationship both parties should get tested to ensure the relationship starts on a clean slate (and a timeline of infection can be determined! None of those "My ex infected me before you and I got together" lies! *side eye*).

People these days are just too quick to discuss how freaky they get in the bedroom but have issues keeping themselves safe. Is sex really worth playing Russian roulette with your health?

If you have been affected by the contents of this post you can contact NHS Direct for free sexual health advice on 0845 4746  http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealthtopics/Pages/Sexual-health-hub.aspx

Lazy Lover

Ok, so I wrote a post on men who didn't deliver in the bedroom and I started receiving feedback from my male friends that many women also don't 'Put A Little Umph In It'. Because I'm a woman they automatically expected me to jump to the women's defence and deny the allegations (not against me of course!) but they were very surprised to find that I totally agree with them!

I've always gotten along better with guys just because I'm missing the irrational emotions that torment many women exhibit and as a result some of my closest friends are guys. Me and my 'man dem' have had many conversations similar to the ones I have with my girlfriends and they have all at one point or another complained about lazy lovers. A lazy lover is a female that, either because "she thinks she's too cute" (quote!), lack of experience or simply having bad complacent previous sexual relationships, does not know how to 'Work It'.

Sometimes I come across as a feminist due to the passion with which I defend women but the next statement I'm going to make is going to have my inbox full and a lot of people who know me will be shocked - ladies, a big part of your role in life is to cater to your man! I don't care how you sugar coat it or dress it up, this is fact and my blog is called 'Not Rude, Honest' not '21st Century Thinking!' so honesty is what you will get. I have met women who cannot cook and live like pigs but think that because they wear Brazilian weave and look good in a dress their man will be satisfied! Are you girls for real!? And then I hear from the guys that your waist in a rave is a façade because you cannot utilize it in the bedroom! What is this world coming to? 

Now before all the men start quoting me and the ladies start sending bricks through my window I am not saying that a woman's ONLY job is to please her man but ladies, let's not lie to ourselves, that is a big part of it and partly the reason we were created so if you cannot make your man want the 'Milkshake' from your yard then you lose 50% on the spot! I'm not saying you should be a porn star or do anything you're not comfortable with but at the same time you cannot lie there like a blow up doll! 

As a woman I know the importance of maintaining a perm and not messing up your weave (sweating it out is NEVER a good thing!) but seriously you have to get your priorities right otherwise another woman will straighten them out for you! I'm not justifying cheating but if you ain't cooking, keeping a clean house AND are then failing in the bedroom the reality is your man will soon find a 'friend' who comments on how skinny he's looking and how wrinkled his shirt is. This new 'friend' will then slyly make your man her priority and one day between preparing him a lunch of curry goat and rice and his dinner of jollof rice and assorted meat served with a side order of fried plantain his 'friend' will gladly remove her lace front before entering the bedroom! 

If your man is incredibly strong willed he will pack his puff puff and dumpling to go and leave the premises but that does not mean he won't start wondering if this is the life his mother raised him to live. I can assure you that from that moment your days are numbered!

The funny thing is, a guy will happily (ok maybe not happily exactly...) live with a woman who can't cook because he can always go to his mother's house for Sunday dinner and get a week's supply of food but a woman who can't give him the 'Sex Weed' is pointless! There is just no excuse for making your man feel like he's right hand can do the same job as you - period! Men also like moves in the bedroom so ladies there is no excuse for weak performances, get your 'T-shirt and Panties', play a 'Lovegame' and show him that 'Nobody' can do it like you!

And all that punishing him with the refusal to put out (all women are guilty of this at one point or another!) just remember that unless your 'Love is the Shhh' to begin with, you've just given him an excuse to go find a woman that loves his big 'Ego' and will feel no way in showing him how she 'Ride It' on clean sheets after a three course meal!

Not Rude, Honest.

One Minute Man

Women almost always remember their sexual partners, mostly because they don't have ridiculous amounts like guys do and partly because they are more likely to have an emotional link to the person than a guy would (this obviously isn't true for everyone), but there are two certified ways to ensure you go down in herstory - great sex and bad sex! 

I have been in many conversations with my girlfriends where they discussed sexual partners and the ones that really get a mention (none of that tell all nonsense, we are women out here!) are the guys that rocked their world and the ones that had "no RIDDDDIM!" (That's a quote!)

When they tell me of these dudes that just didn't hit the spot, my question is always "Did you tell him?" and their reply is always "Nah, you know how guys are sensitive about these things", "No, I just never slept with him again" or "No but I gave it a few more tries to make sure it wasn't a one off". I am yet to meet a girl that has told the dude that his package didn't deliver! Now they all know me, if I was to find myself in that situation I would have to break it down! No way would I let a guy abuse my body in such a way! On top of all that, not only are they disappointed at the lack of fireworks but the guy leaves thinking he's Trey Songz (even though the neighbours don't know who the hell lives next door!) and repeats the experience with another unsuspecting victim!

And it doesn't end there! One of my girls in particular knows this guy (we call him 'One Minute Man' due to his lack of durability in their encounter) who decides to resurface every two months with the same proposition "Hey babe, we should hook up or something and maybe I can do you like I did last time *dirty laugh*". So the poor girl can waste another one minute? I think NOT! And considering it's been about 3 years since the wasted minute, she's openly single and she hasn't taken you up on your offer,  shouldn't that tell him something wasn't quite right? 

I blame the girls of course. If they had immediately told the guy the deal he would have spent more time perfecting his trade and less time dropping Casanova lyrics!

So ladies - if you find yourself in a situation where the dude had you making a mental to-do-list while in the sack TELL HIM! If not for yourself do it for the poor girl that's gonna come after you, I'm pretty sure you wish someone could have warned you!

And guys - if you're not making it through your playlist and the girl ain't displaying 'Signs of Love Makin' or acting like she's on a 'Bike Back' then there is definitely something wrong with your 'Bump 'n' Grind'!!!

Not Rude, Honest.

Sex Makes The World Go Round

I'm sure you are all familiar with the saying "Money makes the world go round" and I am pretty sure there was an era in which this may have been true but personally I think that era is over, sex is the new currency.

Everywhere I turn things have become 'sexified' and the new slogan for many businesses seems to be "Sex sells"! The music business have been 'selling sex' for quite some time but even they have crossed the line with both lyrical content and video explicitness. Trey Songz - need I say more?

Other markets have joined the band wagon too - wanna sell perfume? Put a woman stripping in your ad. Shower gel? A bunch of naked bodies will do. Diet pills? A woman jiggling her bum in her undies does the trick. You can't even buy some weed killer without sexual innuendos filling your screen!

Knee cream!

It may be this new 'sexified' world that is making every girl want to be a 'freak' and every guy prove they 'invented sex' or it could just be freedom of speech gone too far but, whatever it is, I feel like I see sex everywhere I turn - both figuratively and literally! (My eyes. Train platform. Drunk people. Say no more.) 

This new way of life has lead to words like 'homo-curious' (someone who has sexual encounters with the same sex but isn't actually gay - they do it out of curiosity! Dumb or what!?) and made a Montana Fishburne out of well brought up girls. I just wish I could go back to the days when all things sex were kept behind closed doors or after 9pm so I had a choice in what I exposed my eyes to. 

It's pretty clear that money has had to take a back seat because sex is now what makes the world go round.

                             

OG Niki

As a die hard Lil Kim fan I obviously need to add my two cents on the whole #OGNiki saga. For those of you who haven't heard the hype, a 17 year old girl released a video of herself 'rapping' about her sexual encounters.

Now I love rap, I really do, and it really upsets me when these glory hunters decide that the best way to receive attention is via the rap game. Not only are they assaulting our ears with bad flows and dumb lyrics but they are an insult to the rap industry as a whole. OG Niki is no different.

The girl has a few catchy bars but she is by no means a rapper and all of you fools (yeah I said it!) comparing her to Lil Kim or even Trina are either deaf or stupid. May I also highlight here that although they have both done explicit music they had a cheque to receive at the end of the day and that this girl has no such benefits.

The fact that her sex life is so colourful after just a year of sexual activity (the song says she lost her virginity at 16) is nothing to be paraded, if anything it highlights all the things that are wrong in the world today. Only in 2011 can a girl rap about sleeping with 6 men and state that her mum knows in the same phrase and receive anything but a hot slap! In fact, her mum should receive one too!

If I'm honest I don't even think her lyrics bother me so much, it's been done before, but what annoys me is the hype people have made over her lyrical content knowing full well they take part in such activities themselves, the fact that she proudly boasts that her mum knows showing a disgusting lack of respect and that, to top it all off, the girl can't rap or follow the beat!

Moral of the story - get enough hits on Youtube and any crap can make you a household name, I mean look at Rebecca Black! O_o

x 5 ÷ 2

I recently got into a conversation about relationships with one of my guy friends. Somewhere along the line the topic of sexual partners came up and he told me of his x5÷2 rule. The rule dictates that when he asks a woman how many sexual partners she's had he times the number by 5 and divides it by 2 to get the 'real' number! I'm pretty sure many guys will agree with this rule and may even opt to cut out the division stage but really, do all women lie about the number of partners they've had and if so, why?

My friend was very shocked to discover that I've never believed any guy that told me he's had more than 20 different partners and was even more shocked to know that I believed the average for women was about 6 instead of the 15 that he thinks it is. He gave me the whole 'women love sex just as much as guys do' speech and that therefore it was unrealistic of me to think that when women were out of a relationship they all chose celibacy. I'm not naive and I already knew that but whereas he implied women chose several different guys to sleep during the 'cold lonely nights', I have always assumed they just had the one trusted person with whom they chose to spend that time with.

What I really don't get is why women lie about it. Men have come to accept that a woman's libido can be just as high and adventurous as a man's and they are fully aware that the number provided isn't necessarily always accurate so why the lies? Also, if you think sleeping with a variety of men is ok, why lie about it? If you don't thinks it is, why do it?

I know it's always been taboo for a woman to have more than the 'acceptable' number of sexual partners but aren't we in a day and age where that rule has been cancelled out or at least where the 'acceptable' number has been increased? I mean, if men think the average is 15 then obviously anything below or slightly above that won't make him think any less of you. I've always thought being a 'hoe' was dependent on the way a person goes about their sexual experiences than on how many people they experienced it with. And anyway, if guys are averaging 50 sexual partners (which apparently is the case) then its obvious that women cannot possibly have just 5! 

I do have to say that I do not think that women can be as 'free' as men when it comes to sex (I don't think its cool for guys to sleep around either but hey, that's another story) but if the average really is 15 then why lie and say 4? It will obviously make the guy not trust you and that does not make for a good start to a relationship. What I say is this, if you are happy with the way you lead your life then own it and don't let any guy make you feel the need to lie about it,if you are not then just change your ways. Either way don't lie about it, it implies that you are guilty of something.

It's your life, do what you want with it.

Black Dating, sad but true...

As funny as this is ya'll can't deny that there are too many women like this in our society. It needs to stop!

No Offence

I have recently embarked on quite an adventure and I’m meeting a lot of... erm... different people. I’ve moved around a lot in my life so I am used to adaptation and meeting people from different social upbringings but this particular guy honestly shocked me.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping so I’m quite exhausted. Sleep is like my best friend and without it I’m dysfunctional. I have tried many remedies to no avail so when this guy asked me how it was going I explained that nothing was working. His response was “I can put you to sleep”.

Now obviously I’m not slow so I kinda figured what he was saying to me but the rational part of me was saying “Girl you’ve got such a dirty mind, of course he doesn’t mean that! He wouldn’t dare!”

I was wrong. He meant it.

I’ve known this guy for about 5 weeks and we don’t know each other very well at all so the only conclusion I could come up with is that he thought I was the kind of person who would take him up on his offer.

Needless to say I was offended to the core and ensured he knew it. I need to explain that I’ve become a woman. I have set aside childish ways (most of the time!) and I’m acting like a mature individual. As a result this black boy was saved from my very rude and insulting reply. There’s ways to deal with ignorant people that does not require any Jackie Chan or Lequisha from the Bronx. I proceeded to explain very plainly that it was not ok to address anyone that way and that if he had said it to my face I would have gone ghetto on him.

He wasn’t even fazed! He just said he does this all the time and has received 4 offers as a result so it was worth a try to see what reaction he would get!

At that point my outrage subsided. It wasn’t an insult to me, he was just crazy. 

That I can deal with.

♪ I don't get down on the first night! ♫

At the time that Monica sang that song I didn't even know what it was about but now it seems to be the Holy Grail of dating "To get down or not to get down on the first date?" or an extended version "How long before it's 'acceptable' to get down with your partner?" My take on this is based on many experiences and my personal feelings on the matter.

First of all, I do NOT think its ok to be getting down with a guy on the first date, and no it's not because of society or religion or any other excuse that makes a 16 year old go right ahead! The answer is more logical - you don't know him!!!

Now, I've heard many excuses "But we spoke for 10 hours a day for a week!" "We were friends in primary school!" "I've met his family, his brother dropped us at the cinema!" I don't care if ya'll were friends in the years BC, you still don't know them enough to go there.

A particular guy (no names) told me of his experience with a girl. Basically the story goes that they were acquaintances and started talking more often. On the day in question, they spent the whole day together indoors - take out, movie, play fight... you get the gist. So when they eventually got down on this given day, this guy states that he didn't want to tag her as 'easy' because they had after all known each other and spent the day together, they were comfortable...

The truth is ladies and gentlemen, this scenario is bogus and he should have saved his money on the take-out and pirate dvd!

No girl, I repeat, no girl is going to be comfortable enough with you after spending just a day with you and having random convo a few times to spread her legs unless she's, for lack of a better term, 'easy'!

The logic behind that is this - as women we are naturally self conscious, even the most confident of us! Also, we are taught at the age of 3 not to trust men! For a woman, letting a man experience that intimate side of her is a big deal! No matter how many previous partners she's had! As a result, a few convo's and a house date (regardless how many hours long) isn't going to make a woman trust you or comfortable enough to get down with you.

The problem nowadays is that guys have put a time limit in place to deem a girl 'serious'. This means that a girl  feels she has to wait for a specific amount of time before she can do her business. Unfortunately, girls have found a way around that one - sex with the ex!

A girl and guy I knew started dating. The girl was a good friend of mine and would fill me in on how everything was going (you know how we do!). They saw each other like twice a week and spoke on the phone every day so naturally after about 4 weeks they kinda knew everything about each other and had spent  many hours in each other's company. Problem was that the guy was a great believer of the 90 day rule.

For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a rule that dictates that women should wait 3 months before giving up the 'goodies' otherwise they are 'easy'.

This rule meant that my girlfriend couldn't get down with this guy who she really liked and was feeling because she was scared he wouldn't take her seriously afterwards. But a girl has needs. And she satisfied them, with her ex!

Now please note the technicalities of this situation:

1) She isn't lying when she says she's not seeing anyone else - she doesn't communicate or date him it's straight sex!

2) The guy believes that because they ain't getting down yet and she isn't seeing anyone else she's wifey (I hate that term!) material

3) They are technically not together so even if he did find out she'd have the whole "You're not my man" speech ready and waiting to save face

Fellas believe it or not this is what the 90 day rule causes - deception!

At the top I said my reason for not agreeing with sex on the first date is because I don't think you can know a person well enough in that time. What that means is that for me, even if we have been talking everyday for three months and I've never spent physical time with you - I don't know you! If we've had a couple dates and speak once a week, after three months - I don't know you! If I didn't know after three months not to offer you Butterkist at the cinema coz you're allergic to nuts - I don't know you!

My solution is simple. Forget the damn 90 day rule and get to know the person. If you feel you know them well enough in a month, do your thing! If it takes more than three months to feel comfortable enough with the person, then wait. Don't follow these damn rules set in place in the 70's where everyone was getting frisky at the drop of a hat! Guys - if you have an issue with a girl being ready too soon, say something! Don't get down with her and then feel bad about going out with her because she 'gave it up' too soon.

We are in a society where sex is the norm so the only thing you need to worry about is making sure the guy is serious about you enough to wait till you guys know each other better or mature enough to handle a 'no strings attached' relationship, if that's what you're looking for. You will not find that out on the first date! Other than the obvious fact of respecting your body and yourself, nobody likes walking into a room to find everyone staring at you because your one-night-stand spilled the beans and labelled you.

My advice is simple - don't get down on the first night!