Those who know me know that I love a good haircut and I have cut my hair on several occasions, both DIY and professionally. Since being natural, I've always had my hair straightened before getting it cut but this time I decided I was going to do something different. In essence I wanted a second big chop but as I don't have the cojones to rock an Amber Rose, I decided I would go for something slightly longer but just as stylish.
I wish I was that brave.
So there I was looking for a good hairdresser who could cut natural hair in its natural state and I soon learned something: the prices were discriminatory. I searched in both the UK and the USA and learned one thing: hairdressers that cater to black hair sometimes charge three times as much to cut natural hair as they do to cut straight/relaxed hair!
At first I was sure I was doing something wrong, surely an Afro hairdresser wouldn't charge more to cut my hair just because it was in its natural state, that would be ridiculous right? Wrong! Every single price list I looked up online and quote I called in to obtain showed a huge discrepancy in price. In some instances I even found that getting my hair washed, straightened and cut would be cheaper than a wash and cut on natural hair!
The salon/hairdresser/hair shop has historically been somewhat of a sanctuary for black women, a place where we go knowing that there's an unspoken solidarity, that this was the only locale that could 'handle' our hair and that the fact that you were here meant that regardless of shade, you were black.
Black salon culture depicted in "How To Get Away With Murder"
It's bad enough that as black women we face discrimination in EVERY instance from other ethnicities and that within our own ethnicity we deal with colourism, but to walk into an Afro salon and be told that they are unable to dress natural hair or that you have to pay two to three times as much unless you opt for a form of straightening procedure is simply unacceptable! Every hairdresser/stylist in an Afro hair salon should know how to dress natural hair, treatments like relaxers and dyes are optional, what grows out of our scalp is not, that should be their basic hair dressing skills.
Naysayers will say I'm over reacting or that it's not that big a deal but it is a big deal when someone with a silkier texture or a looser curl pattern isn't required to straighten their hair before getting it cut, or when said customer is not required to pay a 'it's too kinky' charge! #ThatIsAll #RantOver
Everyone has a different approach to dating but one thing you shouldn't do is waste each other's time. When it comes to 21st century dating I'm a great believer in filtering; there's no point in getting your feelings caught up in a situation that is destined to end badly. I've put together some tips that I think would be useful when applying the filtering method.
Before I go into my first date tips, a post-specific disclaimer:
The information in this post is provided as an information resource only and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to dictate your actions and should not be used as a substitute for common sense.
Thank you.
Ok, so let's set the scene: You have somehow met... let's call them 'Doe' (as in, John/Jane Doe). You and Doe have talked a bit on the phone/social media and you are open to the idea of seeing where this could go and/or potentially starting a relationship.
Pre-date tips:
Make an effort with your appearance - It's not your wedding day but first impressions are important so dress in a way that you feel represents you.
Discuss the bill- Don't make assumptions on how the bill will be paid, some people are offended when you offer to pay/go dutch or when you don't show signs of wanting to pay; talk about that on the phone to avoid any awkward moments when the bill comes.
Create an exit strategy - This may sound shady but some dates are just bad! Why sit through the whole thing? Make sure you know where you are so you can politely excuse yourself, leave your share of the bill on the table (always do this regardless of the previous agreement if you're leaving early) and leave. #NotRudeHonest
Let someone know where you are - Call me paranoid but Doe is still a stranger to you so make sure there's someone that will know something is wrong if you don't resurface after a reasonable time.
Ask the all important question: "Do you have someone in your life who would have adverse feelings if they knew we were going on a date?" - We all know how it goes, people claim to be single but are still living with their ex or are seeing someone who thinks they're in a relationship or have just had a baby with someone or are still dealing with an ex who thinks they're getting back together... the loopholes are endless! Don't leave your neck open! (Chris Rock reference lol)
Location - Choose a place that will allow you to talk, it is important that you test out your chemistry face to face to determine if there really is something there. If you're going to the cinema then have a meal/drinks after, that way you can discuss the movie as well as get to know each other better.
So you're all set and ready for your first date. You're liking their vibe and you think this could really be something. Whatever you do, keep the conversation flowing. Topics I think you should cover:
What they want from this situation - We are all at different stages in life, and we all want different things, you don't want them planning their wedding with you if you don't plan to ever get married. Clear things up quickly.
Religion - Don't wait to fall in love to discuss this. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship with someone who shares your beliefs, if there's no room for compromise then cut your losses and save yourself the headache.
Hobbies - It sounds so old school but you'll be surprised how a difference in hobbies can cause a lot of friction. If they're into wild adventures and your idea of fun is chilling at home, you will find that they will soon find you boring or you'll feel that they prefer to spend time without you doing those things.
Career paths - Sometimes careers can get in the way of love. If they plan to take the next opportunity to move to Hong Kong and you're not into long distance relationships, or you work shifts while they prefer a more regular work pattern you need to discuss the possible compromises that will need to be made.
Children - You would be surprised at how many people hide the fact that they have children! I've never understood why but they do, so you need to ask and get a straight answer. In most cases the person won't deny it if asked directly, they just don't mention it if you don't ask. Depending on what your stance is on dating someone with kids, you can make your decision nice and early.
Things that are important to you - Everyone has different deal breakers, ask questions and find out if those deal breakers are in this situation, there's no point in embarking on a relationship you already know won't work.
Some people may argue that discussing these topics on a first date is a little heavy but they are, in my opinion, the most overlooked topics and yet they can create very deep cracks in the most established of relationships.
Don't let it get to this point, just leave! LOL!
Things not to do on the first date:
Don't be late - It's rude and the person is not invested in you enough to wait 45mins for you. If you are running late just contact them to let them know.
Don't discuss ex's - Most break ups are complicated in some way or form so once you get on the topic you stay on it for a while; you don't want to spend the time that you're supposed to use getting to know each other discussing a situation that is dead (or it should be!).
Don't create a false image of yourself - Everyone wants to put their best foot forward but remember that your relationship may continue beyond this date and your eagerness to impress may come back to bite you in the arse.
Don't be on your phone all night - Not just in a romantic date setting but whenever you are out with people, absorb the moment, give the people you're with your attention.
Don't talk too much or too little - You need to show interest in the person you're out with so giving them a chance to speak is key but you also don't want them to feel like getting you to speak is like pulling teeth, things will quickly get awkward.
Don't feel obligated to do anything - Kissing on the first date is not compulsory, do as you please, it's your date and your life.
Before anyone starts highlighting the anomalies, dating isn't one-size-fits-all so these are just guidelines that will make your life easier and allow you to filter through the many potentials. A happy relationship is one where both parties are getting what they need (note that I said 'need' not 'want') so the sooner you filter and stop wasting time with people you are simply not compatible with, the quicker you'll be on your way to a happy relationship.
I have always thought that being unable to leave your house without make-up was ridiculous but I find the #NoMakeUp Movement even more ridiculous!
Why must everything these days be a damn movement?! Wear make-up or don't, what's the big deal? By shaming women who wear make-up aren't you causing the same low self-esteem and division you are fighting against?
Is this really necessary?!
I have mentioned in a previous post that I'm not a make-up person (Side bar: I have recently become obsessed with lipsticks and now have an impressive collection if I do say so myself! I might even do a post on it lol.), other than the fact that I prefer a fresh face to a 'beat' face, I'm too lazy to create the time to apply and remove make-up every day so I stick to the occasional wear. Having said that, I am aware that I have the luxury of being lazy because I'm lucky enough to have clear skin. Cue Alicia Keys.
I'm sure that those of us who are old enough to know the 'pre-home wrecking' Alicia Keys (yeah I said it!) will remember that Ms Keys had really troublesome skin and that make-up didn't do much to cover up her frequent break-outs. This didn't stop us from buying her music or being fans, in fact we couldn't get enough of her and her canerows (cornrows for my Americans)!
Circa 2002
So flash forward a decade or so, Alicia Keys decides to ANNOUNCE that she will no longer be wearing make-up. I found it mildly irritating. I mean, who cares? Do you. Why not just step out with no make-up, why the announcement? But you know, celebrities do as celebrities do. THEN this whole #NoMakeUp nonsense started to circulate and people were being accused of hating themselves because they wore make-up. Now I was really irritated.
There are women that have deep rooted insecurities and use make-up to mask that, but to accuse all women of having this issue? C'mon son!
In the words of Tami Roman (Instagram: @officialbonnetchronicles):
"My truth, I need some motherfucking lipgloss. When I go out my house I bring my got-damn lipgloss ...because I know my lips are always motherfucking dry! I need it and some of y'all need some shit too!"
I luh me some Tami!
She uses some very decorative language but she's right, some people need make-up/cosmetics. Not everyone has the luxury of going au naturel, some people need to cover what they deem to be imperfections. Would you condemn people for using deodorant just because 'powder fresh' isn't their natural scent? I didn't think so.
And this is the issue I have with Alicia's announcement. She states that part of the reason for her new make-up free approach is that she has now learned to love herself and that her wearing make-up was her not embracing herself, but how much embracing did she have to do when she has gotten rid of the imperfections that make-up helped her cover? Her skin is now smooth and even, her eyebrows and lashes look like they've had a year's worth of castor oil treatment and she is now a married woman which means she has the attention of the only man she should be concerned with, if those aren't confidence boosters I don't know what are.
2016
Let me be clear, Alicia has every right to wear or not wear make-up but implying that make-up's sole purpose was to cover up insecurities is unfair to the countless women who are drunk in love with themselves but prefer to use concealer to look awake in the morning or foundation to even out their skin tone.
This is what a little concealer can do
It's really tiring to go on social media and see women bashing each other for their choice of style, it's bad enough that men are calling women 'decepticons' (Google it! Lol!) but to see a woman with a similar struggle and a padded bra joining in is really emotionally draining. Don't get me wrong, some women do need new friends and a cochlear implant so that they can get some sound advice but in general, everyone is just trying to get by so why not leave them to it? Why create a movement that will only further divide women?
This is where real friends step in.
My cynical side believes that this is all a PR stunt and that the announcement was a way for Alicia Keys to re-introduce herself in the hopes that we will all forget that she is a home wrecking heifer the part she played in the dissolution of Swizz Beatz and Mashonda's marriage.
Make-up or no make-up, self love should be everyone's goal and how each person chooses to display that should be nobody else's business. Let a sistah live!
As I write this post my heart is heavy. I have been feeling a mixture of hurt and rage for the past few hours and I'm still unsure when I will remember to feel anything else. This post may fluctuate in tone as I write it, please bear with me. Also, the videos in this post are quite graphic so view with caution.
As I'm sure you have all heard and seen by now, Alton Sterling was executed by police officers in Baton Rouge, Louisiana on the 5th of July 2016. As we (the public) were trying to decipher the details surrounding the event and processing the reckless way in which his life was taken, news of Philando Castile's murder in Falcon Heights, Minnesota, again, by a trigger happy police officer on the 6th of July 2016, began to spread. Philando, who was pulled over for a broken tail light, was shot in front of his girlfriend and 4 year old daughter.
Rest in peace Philando Castile & Alton Sterling
In all of this, the National Rifle Association of America (NRA) who typically would have been all over this case due to the unlawful shooting of a man who is licensed to carry a firearm, are nowhere to be found. Why you ask? Well it's pretty obvious, Philando Castile is black and "gun ownership is largely built on white identity".
I usually steer clear of social media when world events happen because I find the trolls and ignoramuses very draining but today I needed the comfort of knowing that I wasn't alone in my grief. I can't tell you what it was about Alton Sterling's murder that hit me more than the countless others but whatever it was cut deeper than any event before. Although the video is graphic, I am not new to blood and death and therefore not as affected by those aspects as your average Joe might be.
What did affect me could be the fact that as soon as I saw the police in that video clip I knew Alton was going to die. Or the fact that they treated him so aggressively before the shooting. Or maybe it was the ease with which the police officers removed their guns from their holsters and placed them directly on Alton's chest. Or the fact that poor Alton who was pressed down by the weight of two police officers was expected to lay completely still after just having the wind knocked out of him. Or it could have been that as a black woman I know that Alton was fully aware of what a perilous situation he was in and therefore probably only shifted slightly because it was absolutely necessary to free up his airway. Or the fact that the officers who had the guns held at point blank range on Alton's chest felt that one bullet through a vital organ in his chest cavity wasn't enough and therefore felt the need to fire 5-6 shots in order to 'feel safe'.
That's definitely it. The fact that, for the first time, I realised that these officers are actually SCARED. They see a black man and feel FEAR, so much so that they shoot first. They are not scared of other white people, which is why they have the patience and diligence to talk down a white person brandishing a weapon, but when faced with a black person armed or unarmed, these police officers who have gone through rigorous training (an assumption on my part) become cowards and shoot. I wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't prepared to SEE that. That's when I got mad.
How DARE you be a coward and swear to protect others? How DARE you not just piss your pants like other scared people and instead, handle a weapon? How DARE you use your fear as an excuse to kill another human? How DARE you kill someone in cold blood and make excuses? How DARE you be rewarded with freedom by the judicial system for your cowardice? How bloody DARE you?!
So here I sit, trying to understand why after so many years it seems we haven't made enough progress to protect our lives, when a video of police brutality against black youths in the UK begins to circulate on Twitter. The responses added to my rage. Many white British people said things along the lines of "Nobody died though" and "British police aren't racist like the Americans". And herein lies the problem. That false sense of security that people keep using to excuse injustice against black people. Why must we (black people) DIE before you recognise that our lives, our very existence is being treated with so much disregard! Why do you feel that a black boy held down by 4 police officers and being repeatedly kneed in the stomach is ok as long as he isn't shot?
These are the questions I posed to one such tweeter:
White British Man: Did they murder him in front of his daughter? No. (in justification to the video in question)
Me: You need to see death before you recognise racism? You're part of the problem.
WBM: Hey, did I say it was ok? No it's disgusting, but none of those officers behaved like the American officers
Me: Do you see any respect for these men's wellbeing in that video? Making excuses is part of the problem. As a black person let me tell you that the only difference in the way we are treated by the police is the presence of guns.
(Fast forward a few tweets)
WBM: Hmmm, you're right but I still don't think the British police are as bad as the Americans, it's not really a thing here.
Me: If you don't think it's a 'thing', we (UK) are very good at disguising it. It's defo a 'thing' in my (Black British) community.
WBM: I've never seen it.
Do you see the problem here? I, a black woman, is telling a white man that these videos of the conduct of police officers in the US is only one step removed from the conduct of police officers in England and a white man who has no experience on the matter at hand is telling me British police are better? How? Based on his white privileged experiences. Does that even make sense? Why is it so hard for some white people to understand that if everybody was being treated the way black people are, then racism wouldn't exist and that since it does, white people can never be victims of it and therefore cannot compare their personal experiences to that of a black person?
Let me enlighten you real quick:
* The ONLY reason America APPEARS worse than England is because most police officers in England don't carry guns, this is about to change. * Being 'better' than the US is not enough, this is not a competition of who can treat black people worse. Racism is racism.
* The ATTITUDE towards black people is the same and maybe even worse! In the US, African Americans are seen as 'less-than' but they are a part of America; in England black people are ALL seen as immigrants (regardless of nationality) and therefore not only are black people seen as 'less-than' but they are also expected to "f**k off and go back to your country" making their rights in England even more fragile e.g. British citizens who are convicted of a crime are being stripped of their nationality and being deported to the countries their parents originated from (which they themselves may have never visited in their lives) after paying their debt to society in prison. Why? You're black so you're never really British.
* Despite the fact that most British police officers do not carry guns, there is an astounding number of deaths in police custody.
* Black British communities are just as fearful of the police as African American communities.
* In my personal experience, police officers in England are very systematic about removing mobile phones from situations where things might get ugly.
* White people who are not exposed to this environment are blissfully unaware of the conduct of police officers.
* Just because most white people haven't experienced police brutality does not negate its existence. Such is the nature of systematic racism, it doesn't affect white people.
* When black people are telling you what they face every day, LISTEN!
* There is nothing worse than people who pretend they don't know racism exists.
* If you are making excuses for any act labelled racist by a victim of racism, YOU are part of the problem.
* If you are justifying the murders of black people at the hands of the police, YOU too do not value black lives making you a racist.
* If you don't understand why a police officer killing a black person is not equivalent to/justified by black on black crime then YOU too are part of the problem.
* The information about the treatment of black people in England at the hands of the police doesn't get on the national news until there's a riot e.g. 2011 London Riots.
* The numbers of deaths at the hands of police officers may be less in England but there are also fewer black people in England (3.5%) than there are in the US (12.6%).
* Although the deaths of black people at the hands of police officers in America has only recently gained worldwide attention, they have been happening for many, many years.
I am so sick and tired of seeing all these excuses made for police officers who endanger black people! If protecting themselves is more important to them than protecting the communities they serve then being a police officer is the wrong career path for them. If you agree that #BlackLivesMatter then you should be against the actions of murderous and racist police officers. Period.
I do pray that I see a change but if truth be told, I feel helpless. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of black people being reduced to a hashtag. I'm tired of statements made by the likes of Malcom X and Mohammed Ali in the 1950's still being relevant today. I'm tired of the statistics indicating that black people are dying at the same rate in 2016 as they were when slavery was legal. I'm tired of having a target on my back because of my skin colour. I'm tired of people that look like me being killed for no reason. I'm just so tired...
Oh my gosh guys, its been ages! I looked at my last uploaded post and it's dated February 2015! O_o
A couple of weeks ago I saw a TED Talk on my twitter timeline (Twitter: @notrude_honest) and I proceeded to watch it. I love TED Talks but I'm not very good at keeping up with things online so I'm heavily reliant on recommendations from friends/colleagues in order to find ones that interest me.
So anyway, I watched this TED Talk by relationship therapist Esther Perel and was instantly reminded of a conversation I'd had regarding marriage.
We were debating the components that went into a successful marriage and the two most important ones were love and partnership (Please read my disclaimer before you argue this point. Thank you.). To a lot of people the two may be synonymous but we agreed that they weren't; what we didn't agree on was my 'Marriage Formula':
Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage (good marriage?)
Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce (bad marriage?)
Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage
Please note: For the purpose of this post 'love' will refer to the fairytale variety, the "passionate/butterflies in your stomach/can't breathe without you/you complete me/catch a grenade for you" kind of love.
I know that this formula may be widely unpopular but consider what marriage is and why it was created. Before marriage included white dresses, pre-nups and social media hashtags, marriage was simply about survival. You did not choose a mate based on love, you chose a mate based on capabilities; is he skilled enough to go kill an antelope? If I bring the antelope home can she cook it? Are her hips wide enough for safe childbearing? Is he strong enough to build our house and protect our family? Is he/she healthy? These were reasons to choose a mate and the basis of attraction.
As society developed and customs were formed, coupling became a cause for celebration hence the modern day weddings, and when there was a need for identity and classification, various versions of the modern day marriage certificate were created.
There is still no mention of love. Why? Because marrying for love wasn't practical. Love was something that would develop after the union and even if it didn't, the lineage would continue and humans wouldn't become extinct. There are still many cultures that participate in the process of arranged marriage and some of the world's most popular love stories are based on the effect falling in love with someone 'impractical' has on arranged marriages.
The tragic love story of Romeo & Juliet
So now that we've got that mini history lesson out of the way, let's review my 'Marriage Formula': Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage: Even if there is no love (please refer to definition above) the basic uses of mating can be fulfilled - survival and procreation - and therefore, if there is great partnership, a marriage, like a business relationship, can have longevity. Regardless of what you consider to be a happy marriage, a marriage based on partnership can be good. The thing that tends to break down these types of marriages is the need for passion/search for 'fairytale' love.
Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce: A marriage based on love can be greatly affected by a bad partnership. In some rare cases love can overcome the lack of partnership and the marriage can survive however, in general, the lack of partnership means that love loses all its glitter and real life sets in. Bills need to be paid, children need to be raised and priorities need to be aligned. Most couples that have "We just grew apart" as the reason for their break up can usually attribute that to an abundance of love but a lack of partnership. They find themselves going in opposite directions in life and although they love each other, their union simply isn't working out.
Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage:What would be considered a perfect marriage by many in this day and age would consist of both a great partnership and love. The practicalities of marriage would be fulfilled by their partnership and their love would take care of the rest.
Lovers & Friends - Teamwork makes the dream work
We've come a long way from living according to basic survival instincts and marriage now consists of a lot more components than it once did, however, in its basic form, marriage can survive without love. I find it really interesting that people, men and women alike, are frowned upon for marrying for stability when that was the whole point of marriage in the first place. Labelling people gold diggers or bums because they choose to marry someone that will make their life more comfortable/stable seems very harsh to me. As long as both parties know what they're agreeing to I honestly don't see the problem.
Although this wasn't the point of Esther Perel's TED Talk, it was interesting to see that her take on marriage was similar to mine and to hear her explain what the changes in our perception of marriage has done to the way we deal with infidelity (I'll cover that in another post).
At the end of the day, marriage/coupling is now more of a lifestyle choice than a prerequisite for survival and everyone is entitled to do it whichever way they please. Live and let live! XOXO
1.If you want something, go and get it: I
was taught that nothing was impossible as long as I was ready to work for it.
2.Enjoy your childhood: Boy did I
take that advice and run with it! Good times :)
3.Not everyone can be your friend: I accepted
from an early age that some people would like me and some
wouldn't so I never wasted time or tears on the latter.
4.You are black: This may seem like a
pointless statement but in order to survive institutional
racism, the colour of my skin and the prejudices that came with that had to be
highlighted.
5.Knowledge is power and therefore an
education is essential: My parents never told me what to study or
which knowledge would benefit me but they instilled the hunger for
knowledge in me and it has served me well.
6.The things you do today will affect
your tomorrow: This made me think twice before doing anything stupid.
7.Common sense is more important that
getting A's at school: Common sense really isn't common.
8.Seize every opportunity: This is
probably the best advice I was given by someone outside my family, namely, a
teacher. Taking this advice to heart has allowed me to lead an amazing life
with so many unconventional experiences.
9.It's not everything that you see that
you must say: Some things are just not meant to be passed on.
10. I love you just the way you are: This was hammered
into my head before I would reply 'I love you too' and has allowed me to always
remain confident in who I am as a person.
1. Don't throw away good bras,
breast size changes throughout your life: I have a bit of an obsession
with lingerie and have spent a small fortune on bras. If only someone had told
me that my bra size would fluctuate I wouldn't have given away my good (and
expensive!) bras. *sigh*
2. Failure is a part of life: When
you are a high achiever and good at everything you do, parents are so busy
encouraging you that they forget to tell you that one day, in whatever aspect
of your life, you will fail and that it's ok as long as you get back up again.
3. Graduating from university does
not mean automatic success: I'm sure many people can relate to this one. You
are encouraged to do so well academically and to get an education but nobody
tells you anything about life after graduation.
4. How to make AND keep
money: Most people's answer to this is still "Get a job and
save." I can assure you that that is not the answer.
5. Your 20s are for getting it together: Somewhere along the line we learned that if we didn't have it all figured out by 21 we had somehow failed society. Having babies you can't afford in a marriage based on puppy love and no real way of covering your student loans only equals a very difficult and unnecessarily stressful life. Take your time!
Normal thoughts for a 21 year old
6. There's no such thing as the
perfect relationship but there are many examples of bad relationships: Time and
time again I see people putting up with absolute nonsense in their
relationships all because "No relationship is perfect so you have to settle", many have
even suggested I do the same! Joke's on you.
7. Don't throw away clothes just
because they are no longer the 'in' style: In our lifetimes we'll see old fashions
come back at least once. Has anyone else seen bootcut jeans making a comeback?
8. Honesty is the best policy BUT
sometimes silence is even better: If I had been told this I would have held back
on being honest in many situations and would have saved myself a lot of hassle.
I have learned that people do not like hearing the truth even if they ask for
it.
9. Everyone's idea of 'success' is
different: Some people believe that they are not successful until
they have a six figure balance in the bank and others, more apparent since the birth of
bridal accounts on Instagram (no names!), believe that success is in the size
of the ring and/or wedding. It's ok to have your own idea of success and you
are not 'unsuccessful' for not achieving standards set by others.
10. Not everyone thinks like you: This seems so
obvious but, how many times have you been disappointed by the friend you
thought would do for you what you would do for them? Exactly.
