First Date 101

Everyone has a different approach to dating but one thing you shouldn't do is waste each other's time. When it comes to 21st century dating I'm a great believer in filtering; there's no point in getting your feelings caught up in a situation that is destined to end badly. I've put together some tips that I think would be useful when applying the filtering method.

Before I go into my first date tips, a post-specific disclaimer: 

The information in this post is provided as an information resource only and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to dictate your actions and should not be used as a substitute for common sense.

Thank you.

Ok, so let's set the scene: You have somehow met... let's call them 'Doe' (as in, John/Jane Doe). You and Doe have talked a bit on the phone/social media and you are open to the idea of seeing where this could go and/or potentially starting a relationship. 

Pre-date tips:

1. Make an effort with your appearance - It's not your wedding day but first impressions are important so dress in a way that you feel represents you.
2. Discuss the bill- Don't make assumptions on how the bill will be paid, some people are offended when you offer to pay/go dutch or when you don't show signs of wanting to pay; talk about that on the phone to avoid any awkward moments when the bill comes.
3. Create an exit strategy - This may sound shady but some dates are just bad! Why sit through the whole thing? Make sure you know where you are so you can politely excuse yourself, leave your share of the bill on the table (always do this regardless of the previous agreement if you're leaving early) and leave. #NotRudeHonest
4. Let someone know where you are - Call me paranoid but Doe is still a stranger to you so make sure there's someone that will know something is wrong if you don't resurface after a reasonable time.
5. Ask the all important question: "Do you have someone in your life who would have adverse feelings if they knew we were going on a date?" - We all know how it goes, people claim to be single but are still living with their ex or are seeing someone who thinks they're in a relationship or have just had a baby with someone or are still dealing with an ex who thinks they're getting back together... the loopholes are endless! Don't leave your neck open! (Chris Rock reference lol)
6. Location - Choose a place that will allow you to talk, it is important that you test out your chemistry face to face to determine if there really is something there. If you're going to the cinema then have a meal/drinks after, that way you can discuss the movie as well as get to know each other better.

So you're all set and ready for your first date. You're liking their vibe and you think this could really be something. Whatever you do, keep the conversation flowing. Topics I think you should cover:

1. What they want from this situation - We are all at different stages in life, and we all want different things, you don't want them planning their wedding with you if you don't plan to ever get married. Clear things up quickly.
2. Religion - Don't wait to fall in love to discuss this. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship with someone who shares your beliefs, if there's no room for compromise then cut your losses and save yourself the headache.
3. Hobbies - It sounds so old school but you'll be surprised how a difference in hobbies can cause a lot of friction. If they're into wild adventures and your idea of fun is chilling at home, you will find that they will soon find you boring or you'll feel that they prefer to spend time without you doing those things.
4. Career paths - Sometimes careers can get in the way of love. If they plan to take the next opportunity to move to Hong Kong and you're not into long distance relationships, or you work shifts while they prefer a more regular work pattern you need to discuss the possible compromises that will need to be made.
5. Children - You would be surprised at how many people hide the fact that they have children! I've never understood why but they do, so you need to ask and get a straight answer. In most cases the person won't deny it if asked directly, they just don't mention it if you don't ask. Depending on what your stance is on dating someone with kids, you can make your decision nice and early.
6. Things that are important to you - Everyone has different deal breakers, ask questions and find out if those deal breakers are in this situation, there's no point in embarking on a relationship you already know won't work.

Some people may argue that discussing these topics on a first date is a little heavy but they are, in my opinion, the most overlooked topics and yet they can create very deep cracks in the most established of relationships.

Don't let it get to this point, just leave! LOL!

Things not to do on the first date:

1. Don't be late - It's rude and the person is not invested in you enough to wait 45mins for you. If you are running late just contact them to let them know.
2. Don't discuss ex's - Most break ups are complicated in some way or form so once you get on the topic you stay on it for a while; you don't want to spend the time that you're supposed to use getting to know each other discussing a situation that is dead (or it should be!).
3. Don't create a false image of yourself - Everyone wants to put their best foot forward but remember that your relationship may continue beyond this date and your eagerness to impress may come back to bite you in the arse.
4. Don't be on your phone all night - Not just in a romantic date setting but whenever you are out with people, absorb the moment, give the people you're with your attention.
5. Don't talk too much or too little - You need to show interest in the person you're out with so giving them a chance to speak is key but you also don't want them to feel like getting you to speak is like pulling teeth, things will quickly get awkward.
6. Don't feel obligated to do anything - Kissing on the first date is not compulsory, do as you please, it's your date and your life.

Before anyone starts highlighting the anomalies, dating isn't one-size-fits-all so these are just guidelines that will make your life easier and allow you to filter through the many potentials. A happy relationship is one where both parties are getting what they need (note that I said 'need' not 'want') so the sooner you filter and stop wasting time with people you are simply not compatible with, the quicker you'll be on your way to a happy relationship.

Good luck!

Sexual Chocolate

Everyone at one point or another gets tempted by Sexual Chocolate. Sexual Chocolate is that guy or girl that is so tempting yet, may come with consequences. Like chocolate, you may enjoy the experience but may regret the resulting cavities and/or calories.

We live in a generation where sex 'just happens'. There is no introduction of parents, no courting,  no waiting till marriage, no exchanging of cash (prostitution is a lucrative business!), no discussing the aftermath - it just happens. In some cases this may occur with a stranger but, more often than not, it's with a person you know and this is where the concept of 'friends with benefits' was born.

For those of you who don't know, a friend with benefits is a person you have a friendship with but allow to receive the benefits (usually sexual) of a boyfriend/girlfriend.

It sounds like a great deal, the person is your friend and you trust them so what better person to share your body with right? Wrong. As portrayed in the movie, one or both parties ALWAYS end up 'catching feelings'. This seems like an obvious outcome but to many, finding out they feel a little more than just 'friend love' after embarking on a sexual relationship, comes as a surprise.

You see the problem with Sexual Chocolate (the deal) is that it looks so good! You have this guy/girl that you really like as a person, are comfortable with and trust. You are both single (if you're not it's called cheating! *side eye*) and enjoy each others company but getting into a serious relationship, for whatever reason, isn't an option. However, you both have needs so why not satisfy those needs together?!

This arrangement may work for a while but in most cases it eventually turns sour and you're left dealing with the cavities (consequences). Any of the following is likely to occur:

• One person decides they want an official romantic relationship but the other person doesn't feel the same way
• One person finds a guy/girl they want to embark on a romantic relationship with and therefore wants out of the deal
• The relationship loses its 'no strings attached' edge and becomes complicated
• Both parties decide to make the relationship official but then it doesn't work out

In all these scenarios the overall outcome is the same, they can no longer be just friends (calories).

Not all people end up with cavities and/or calories but they are a very lucky few. Some people just get over it and resume being friends but how do you explain to your new partner that this friend is someone you once had regular sex with? Yeah I didn't think so. 

So is Sexual Chocolate worth losing a good friendship? That's the million dollar question but dayum, chocolate tastes so good... 

Not Rude, Honest ;)

I Ain't Sayin She A Gold Digger...

The term 'gold digger' has been flying around for years but what really annoys me is the fact that men are now trying to use it to discourage women from openly stating the fact that they want a man with a huge bank balance!

I remember a few years back during one of my university Afro Caribbean Society meetings I stated that I refused to date a broke guy and that the minimum I would expect is a guy that would keep me at the standard I was accustomed to. The reaction I received from the men and some of the dumb ass-licking females tryna get laid, you'd think I wanted to re-instate slavery!

You see my thing is this, as a single woman with no children I get my hair done every 3 weeks at quite an expensive hair salon, I get a mani-pedi every fortnight, I travel at least twice a year, I wear clothes that may be deemed expensive by some and I like going out a lot. When you add bills and car insurance, my lifestyle is quite an expensive one BUT I work hard to keep it that way. Now unless I date a guy who is also well paid and can handle his business I will end up having to cover the costs of our being together e.g. if I want to go on holiday and he's broke MY pay cheque will have to cover both of us or if he can't afford to get line rental on his phone MY phone bill will have to increase in order for us to have those long conversation that as women we just love! Getting my drift? 

So why is it that because I decided to do the government a favour and start covering my partner's job seeker's allowance, do I have to walk around with a nappy head or cut down on my outings? How fair is that? My solution? Date a guy that has at least enough money to cover himself so I can stay at the standard I am accustomed to. And this was all I was trying to say at that meeting that nearly got me stoned.

Having said that I do plan to marry a guy that has considerably more money than me (which will be kind of hard when I start making that cardiac surgeon money!) and I refuse to feel ashamed for saying it! Men have started making women feel insecure for wanting a provider which is totally wrong. Men are SUPPOSED to provide for their family so why would a woman with half a brain want to be tied to a man that will make her downgrade from Brazilian hair to synthetic? Even if she doesn't bring in an income but she raises your kids, keeps a clean house, cooks your meals and irons your shirts she's not a gold digger, she's your WIFE!!! She just chose to do those things for the highest bidder and there ain't no shame in that!!!

A gold digger is a woman that is only with you for your money, has the cheek to hire a maid and always feed you take away!!!  This type of woman will either claim to be infertile throughout your marriage or she will push out the token child that will guarantee her an income when you find out she's sleeping with the mail man, the pool guy AND the gardener!

The funny thing is, these females are not hard to spot so please stop trying to make the rest of us feel bad for wanting a well paid husband and an expensive engagement ring! That is all.

Not Rude, Honest.

Mr. Right

People think that the reason that women are finding it hard to find Mr. Right is that they don’t know what they want. I don’t agree. I have always had a rough idea of how I wanted my husband to be. When I was younger it was all very physical and obvious qualities like good looking and caring. As I’ve grown older my list has transformed a little and I find that the majority of the things in my list are now inner qualities that cannot be identified on meeting a person.

The problem with this is that the more my list grows and develops the more acutely I am aware that my list may be depicting Mr. Perfect! I am fully aware that nobody is perfect and that compromises will have to be made but when do you draw the line? How many compromises do you make before you realise that the person you’re with is nothing close to the kind of person you wanted to be with?

I have to state that our mums’ were right when they advised us to wait till we are older to have boyfriends/girlfriends. Other than the obvious avoidance of teenage pregnancies, the person you get with at 16 will change and you may find that you are no longer compatible at 25.

Recognizing Mr. Right seems practically impossible these days and women are being forced to settle for less in order to fulfil their family’s expectations of marriage and children or their longing for a companion. Ladies let’s be real, our biological clock IS ticking but is that a good enough reason to get/stay with a guy that even to us is below average?

So let’s do the math - women have until the age of 35 to have their 1^st child and avoid complications, you want to know the person pretty well before you start a family (I hope!) and you may need a year between engagement and wedding (planning is serious!) so that means you don’t need to settle till you’re 30!

A friend once said that you cannot expect qualities in a partner that you don’t possess yourself and I fully agree. I’ve heard waste girls saying they want to marry a lawyer! Now it’s all fair and good to aim high but what have you got to offer a lawyer? A person who has been through the hassle of educating themselves, working in a competitive environment and earning their money per hour will not be satisfied with a Remy weave and a Nicki Minaj booty!

Same goes for waste men “I want a good girl to make the wife!” What will an independent pretty girl, with a good figure, who knows how to cook and clean and all that good ish (common qualities appealing to men) want with a two bit hustler, who can’t spell, has no common decency and has slept with everything in a skirt within a 100 mile radius? Spending thousands at a bar of a club in your Gucci belt and fraudulently acquired car really don’t prove you’re a man ready for a serious girl, talk less becoming a husband!

I really don’t know what the solution to this epidemic is (epidemic is a bit extreme now but wait till you see their offspring!) but settling doesn’t seem like the happily ever after everyone is hoping for. Luckily I have met women who found their Mr. Right criteria in a man (the man is not perfect but their checklist is all ticked off!) so I have hope that if women stopped rushing into relationships they may find the man suitable for them.

So until you get to the age of 30, if someone who doesn’t meet your idea of Mr. Right approaches you just say (politely of course!) ‘We are not on the same level so let’s not waste each others’ time, good day!’. You may want to rephrase but you get my drift.

Not rude, honest...

Youtube Sunday

I have spent most of my day on Youtube which is very unlike me but it seems every FB status update and blog had something from Youtube today. Some were a waste of my time and others I found interesting/entertaining so I thought I'd share some of my finds.

Saw this video on one of my favourite blogs (Smart Shoes) and I just had to re-post! Its so true!!! Me and this guy would get along like a house on fire!

A friend of mine has a new video and I thought I'd share it. I'm not usually a fan of UK music videos (Channel AKA previously known as Channel U - need I say more!?) but I think this one is ait and the song is also catchy, what do you think?

These young men also impressed me. It rare to find teens in London who are not ashamed of speaking eloquently and demonstrating they have a brain (don't ask me why stupid is cool *rolls eyes*) but these two not only are able to string a sentence together with correct English but also have interesting topics to talk to their peers about. If only more teens thought like this then maybe we'd have a better London.

I am also a HUGE fan of Lil Kim's and when I heard her Nicki Minaj diss called 'Black Friday' at the end of last year I remembered just how talented she is. Due to the silence after the release I was worried that it was just an underground track and she was going to allow Nicki to continue defacing our screens with her fake butt, mediocre rapping skills and ridiculous impersonations (I didn't mind her till she did the British accent in her 'Moment for Life' video *talk to the hand*) but I am glad that there is now a video which to me indicates she's back in the studio!!! *dances* No words can express how excited I am so I'm not even going to try, just enjoy!

Happy Sunday everyone x

Man, I feel like a woman!

February is the month of love and by the end of January the world starts exchanging bright lights for heart shaped chocolates. I have had some great Valentine's Day celebrations in my time but deep down I've always felt it was a bit of a sham. With every red rose and teddy bear (which I was very grateful for, don't get me wrong!) I just felt an undertone of obligatory actions. I don't mean to say that everyone who gives a gift on this day is only doing it because they have to, but we can't deny that people in relationships really have no choice if they want to keep their relationships peaceful (you know there are some crazy girls (and guys!) out there!).

To an extent I still feel that way now, why can't I get a romantic gesture every day of the week? Must I really wait till that one day in the year where you have no choice to receive a display of affection? But something has changed. Whereas I have always been a very matter-of-fact kind of girl and rarely saw the 'girly' side of things (babies are my one weakness), these days I find myself 'awww-ing' and 'OMG-ing' over cute puppies and romantic gestures! I really knew I was converted when I started tearing up over a movie!!!

I guess it's just part of becoming a woman but I must say I miss my 'manly' days. The days where I could sit with a bunch of guys and understand their way of thinking, when 'mushiness' was impossible and my mascara was safe! Don't get me wrong I am still nowhere near as emotional or girly as most women but I feel out of place in this new emotion filled world, like the only one who wore black to an all white party! 

Emotions are good but women are known to act (or over-react as the case may be!) based on them and very rarely do I hear a happy ending come from doing so. The more emotional I'm becoming, the more my ideas on what I want are changing and therefore my 'old' life doesn't seem to fit in with this new me that I'm becoming. Things that didn't used to matter are now of paramount importance, I am unable to let things go without appropriate resolution and I find myself paying more attention to details that previously had no relevance to me. The world has gone from black, white and grey to technicolour!

With this new awareness the concept of time also became an issue. I have never been too bothered by it, I think getting old is just a part of life (unlike these Botox addicts!) but I now find myself placing markers in the time I have left. I'm not at an age that anyone would consider old but things like 'success', 'time to settle down' and 'biological clock' keep coming to mind. I've always had a clear idea of what I wanted from life but now it seems like the finer details that I had never considered are becoming of great importance. For example, I've always wanted a big house, now I have to think of a big house in an affordable area that isn't too rural (no bush life for me!), with a low crime rate and good schools for my future kids! No guy I know has even considered any of these aspects! Things like Valentine's Day are no longer just a day to do what is expected, it's a day that a person shows they care enough to uphold a tradition that we all know is a sham (those overpriced restaurants are a joke!) in order to prove that you really are special to them.

So yeah, I have inherited/acquired/developed what I call the 'awww factor' and man, I feel like a woman!

Baby Mama Drama

Someone on my FB recently put up a status stating that baby mama's shouldn't expect more from a waste man after they give birth than they did before. Naturally this caused an uproar from many people, some taking it personal, others missing the point and some simply not reading the status properly and therefore putting up an irrelevant argument. Personally I agreed with the statement 100%, how can you knowingly get with a waste man and expect him to transform into a serious individual over night?

An acquaintance of mine (you know I never reveal names!) recently had a baby and the status brought her to mind immediately. She had been seeing this guy on and off for a while, both deciding that a stable relationship wasn't really their thing and seeing other people in between (to each their own). I need to clearly state that this wasn't really an agreement as it was an outcome; one day he was there and they were having fun, the next he was ignoring her calls and they wouldn't speak for months and THEN he would just reappear and they would start where they left off (no comment!). Just over a year ago they decided they were going to be serious with each other and as a result became exclusive (or so she thought!).

Cut the long story short, after a few months she gets pregnant and the guy is adamant that he doesn't want it. The situation became quite complicated and as a result the guy was forced to confess that he had been lying about a lot of things, one of the things being that he wasn't single but in fact had a girlfriend he had been with for several years. Turns out he would only get in contact with the girl in question when he and his girlfriend were having issues! After his confession he must have felt releaved because he was now all hands on about being a daddy even though he had conveniently forgot to tell his girlfriend he was having a baby by another woman! (That's a whole different story!)

Flash forward 9 months and the baby is now here. Obviously during the pregnancy all the females around her had discussed how important it was for her to remain focused on her and her child and to forget any drama coming from the baby dad. She had been in full agreement and had given the independent woman speech "I don't care what he does or if he doesn't want to be with me, all I care about is me and my child blah blah blah" *rolls eyes*. You might want to note that at this point the girlfriend had found out (yes found out, she had not been told!) so all in all it was drama on a silver platter.

Unfortunately I had the displeasure of meeting this guy and, to put it mildly and as nicely as I can, I was NOT impressed. If the whole situation wasn't proof enough, he might as well have had the words 'WASTE MAN' tattooed on his forehead because even that couldn't have said it any louder! On top of that he was also rude and disrespectful so I knew this wasn't going to be a 'happily ever after' situation.

I hope I have clearly depicted an image of the situation so you fully understand that this dude never pretended to be something he's not. I mean even when he was lying to her he was still a waste man, when the truth came out the details were different but the essence was still the same, WASTE!

So please tell me why this girl started cussing and hyping and getting broken hearted after the child was born!? We had established he was waste from the get go so why on earth are you upset that he's waste now? Why am I seeing statuses about 'I thought you loved me', 'You're not doing what you said you would' and 'You bring too much drama to my life'? He was pretty clear where he stood if you ask me so why the 'I didn't know' act? What happened to 'I don't care if he doesn't want to be with me'?

And this is what my FB friend was trying to say on her status, if a guy is waste before you give birth why do you get upset and worked up over him when he continues to be waste after the baby is here? Why would you think a guy who is happy lying to you for years, continuously cheating on his girlfriend, having a baby behind his girlfriend's back and disrespecting you in front of everyone would become the perfect loving and doting baby daddy? If he was unreliable before what makes you think he will become reliable now? Its one thing if a guy pretends to be all these things and then changes when the baby is born but in the majority of these heartbroken statuses, that isn't the case!

The way I see it is this, if you want to have a baby with a waste man that's entirely your business but don't start crowding my FB newsfeed and BB updates with your 'heartache' because nobody who knows the situation is feeling sorry for you. If you want a guy who will respect you as the mother of his child and will be a decent baby daddy then ensure you are only sleeping with such guys.

Not rude, honest...

Black Dating, sad but true...

As funny as this is ya'll can't deny that there are too many women like this in our society. It needs to stop!

Yo, my size!

This a short note fuelled by frustration!

I was walking to my friend’s house when all I heard was “Yo, my size!” 

Now, I didn’t know what the hell that meant so I kept walking with a bit of a baffled expression on my face. Can you imagine the shock that took over me when I realized the guy was talking to ME and that the shout out was some sort of new pick up line! I literally chocked on my Blushing Apple Snapple (ya dun kno!)! 

Now I’ve heard many shout outs in my time the classic ‘Oi!’, ‘Hey shortie’(some people got the wrong post code!), the yardie ‘Wah gwarn my love!’, the Aff ‘Wetin dey happen?’ and the more polite ‘Excuse me, can I take a minute of your time?’ but ‘Yo, my size!’ SERIOUSLY!!!

Now first of all I was NOT his size! In fact my 5’3 frame enhanced with 4.5 inch heels made me clearly more than his size which was around 5’2! Secondly, where on earth did these guys get the idea that calling any woman ‘my size’ would get their attention, talk less their number!?

All I can do in this situation is quote Bossip ‘God take the wheel’ SMH

♪ I don't get down on the first night! ♫

At the time that Monica sang that song I didn't even know what it was about but now it seems to be the Holy Grail of dating "To get down or not to get down on the first date?" or an extended version "How long before it's 'acceptable' to get down with your partner?" My take on this is based on many experiences and my personal feelings on the matter.

First of all, I do NOT think its ok to be getting down with a guy on the first date, and no it's not because of society or religion or any other excuse that makes a 16 year old go right ahead! The answer is more logical - you don't know him!!!

Now, I've heard many excuses "But we spoke for 10 hours a day for a week!" "We were friends in primary school!" "I've met his family, his brother dropped us at the cinema!" I don't care if ya'll were friends in the years BC, you still don't know them enough to go there.

A particular guy (no names) told me of his experience with a girl. Basically the story goes that they were acquaintances and started talking more often. On the day in question, they spent the whole day together indoors - take out, movie, play fight... you get the gist. So when they eventually got down on this given day, this guy states that he didn't want to tag her as 'easy' because they had after all known each other and spent the day together, they were comfortable...

The truth is ladies and gentlemen, this scenario is bogus and he should have saved his money on the take-out and pirate dvd!

No girl, I repeat, no girl is going to be comfortable enough with you after spending just a day with you and having random convo a few times to spread her legs unless she's, for lack of a better term, 'easy'!

The logic behind that is this - as women we are naturally self conscious, even the most confident of us! Also, we are taught at the age of 3 not to trust men! For a woman, letting a man experience that intimate side of her is a big deal! No matter how many previous partners she's had! As a result, a few convo's and a house date (regardless how many hours long) isn't going to make a woman trust you or comfortable enough to get down with you.

The problem nowadays is that guys have put a time limit in place to deem a girl 'serious'. This means that a girl  feels she has to wait for a specific amount of time before she can do her business. Unfortunately, girls have found a way around that one - sex with the ex!

A girl and guy I knew started dating. The girl was a good friend of mine and would fill me in on how everything was going (you know how we do!). They saw each other like twice a week and spoke on the phone every day so naturally after about 4 weeks they kinda knew everything about each other and had spent  many hours in each other's company. Problem was that the guy was a great believer of the 90 day rule.

For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a rule that dictates that women should wait 3 months before giving up the 'goodies' otherwise they are 'easy'.

This rule meant that my girlfriend couldn't get down with this guy who she really liked and was feeling because she was scared he wouldn't take her seriously afterwards. But a girl has needs. And she satisfied them, with her ex!

Now please note the technicalities of this situation:

1) She isn't lying when she says she's not seeing anyone else - she doesn't communicate or date him it's straight sex!

2) The guy believes that because they ain't getting down yet and she isn't seeing anyone else she's wifey (I hate that term!) material

3) They are technically not together so even if he did find out she'd have the whole "You're not my man" speech ready and waiting to save face

Fellas believe it or not this is what the 90 day rule causes - deception!

At the top I said my reason for not agreeing with sex on the first date is because I don't think you can know a person well enough in that time. What that means is that for me, even if we have been talking everyday for three months and I've never spent physical time with you - I don't know you! If we've had a couple dates and speak once a week, after three months - I don't know you! If I didn't know after three months not to offer you Butterkist at the cinema coz you're allergic to nuts - I don't know you!

My solution is simple. Forget the damn 90 day rule and get to know the person. If you feel you know them well enough in a month, do your thing! If it takes more than three months to feel comfortable enough with the person, then wait. Don't follow these damn rules set in place in the 70's where everyone was getting frisky at the drop of a hat! Guys - if you have an issue with a girl being ready too soon, say something! Don't get down with her and then feel bad about going out with her because she 'gave it up' too soon.

We are in a society where sex is the norm so the only thing you need to worry about is making sure the guy is serious about you enough to wait till you guys know each other better or mature enough to handle a 'no strings attached' relationship, if that's what you're looking for. You will not find that out on the first date! Other than the obvious fact of respecting your body and yourself, nobody likes walking into a room to find everyone staring at you because your one-night-stand spilled the beans and labelled you.

My advice is simple - don't get down on the first night!