#BLACKLIVESMATTER

As I write this post my heart is heavy. I have been feeling a mixture of hurt and rage for the past few hours and I'm still unsure when I will remember to feel anything else. This post may fluctuate in tone as I write it, please bear with me. Also, the videos in this post are quite graphic so view with caution.

As I'm sure you have all heard and seen by now, Alton Sterling was executed by police officers in Baton Rouge, Louisiana on the 5th of July 2016. As we (the public) were trying to decipher the details surrounding the event and processing the reckless way in which his life was taken, news of Philando Castile's murder in Falcon Heights, Minnesota, again, by a trigger happy police officer on the 6th of July 2016, began to spread. Philando, who was pulled over for a broken tail light, was shot in front of his girlfriend and 4 year old daughter.

Rest in peace Philando Castile & Alton Sterling

In all of this, the National Rifle Association of America (NRA) who typically would have been all over this case due to the unlawful shooting of a man who is licensed to carry a firearm, are nowhere to be found. Why you ask? Well it's pretty obvious, Philando Castile is black and "gun ownership is largely built on white identity".

I usually steer clear of social media when world events happen because I find the trolls and ignoramuses very draining but today I needed the comfort of knowing that I wasn't alone in my grief. I can't tell you what it was about Alton Sterling's murder that hit me more than the countless others but whatever it was cut deeper than any event before. Although the video is graphic, I am not new to blood and death and therefore not as affected by those aspects as your average Joe might be.

What did affect me could be the fact that as soon as I saw the police in that video clip I knew Alton was going to die. Or the fact that they treated him so aggressively before the shooting. Or maybe it was the ease with which the police officers removed their guns from their holsters and placed them directly on Alton's chest. Or the fact that poor Alton who was pressed down by the weight of two police officers was expected to lay completely still after just having the wind knocked out of him. Or it could have been that as a black woman I know that Alton was fully aware of what a perilous situation he was in and therefore probably only shifted slightly because it was absolutely necessary to free up his airway. Or the fact that the officers who had the guns held at point blank range on Alton's chest felt that one bullet through a vital organ in his chest cavity wasn't enough and therefore felt the need to fire 5-6 shots in order to 'feel safe'. 

That's definitely it. The fact that, for the first time, I realised that these officers are actually SCARED. They see a black man and feel FEAR, so much so that they shoot first. They are not scared of other white people, which is why they have the patience and diligence to talk down a white person brandishing a weapon, but when faced with a black person armed or unarmed, these police officers who have gone through rigorous training (an assumption on my part) become cowards and shoot. I wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't prepared to SEE that. That's when I got mad.

How DARE you be a coward and swear to protect others? How DARE you not just piss your pants like other scared people and instead, handle a weapon? How DARE you use your fear as an excuse to kill another human? How DARE you kill someone in cold blood and make excuses? How DARE you be rewarded with freedom by the judicial system for your cowardice? How bloody DARE you?!

So here I sit, trying to understand why after so many years it seems we haven't made enough progress to protect our lives, when a video of police brutality against black youths in the UK begins to circulate on Twitter. The responses added to my rage. Many white British people said things along the lines of "Nobody died though" and "British police aren't racist like the Americans". And herein lies the problem. That false sense of security that people keep using to excuse injustice against black people. Why must we (black people) DIE before you recognise that our lives, our very existence is being treated with so much disregard! Why do you feel that a black boy held down by 4 police officers and being repeatedly kneed in the stomach is ok as long as he isn't shot?

These are the questions I posed to one such tweeter:

White British Man: Did they murder him in front of his daughter? No. (in justification to the video in question)

Me: You need to see death before you recognise racism? You're part of the problem.

WBM: Hey, did I say it was ok? No it's disgusting, but none of those officers behaved like the American officers

Me: Do you see any respect for these men's wellbeing in that video? Making excuses is part of the problem. As a black person let me tell you that the only difference in the way we are treated by the police is the presence of guns.

(Fast forward a few tweets)

WBM: Hmmm, you're right but I still don't think the British police are as bad as the Americans, it's not really a thing here.

Me: If you don't think it's a 'thing', we (UK) are very good at disguising it. It's defo a 'thing' in my (Black British) community.

WBM: I've never seen it.

Do you see the problem here? I, a black woman, is telling a white man that these videos of the conduct of police officers in the US is only one step removed from the conduct of police officers in England and a white man who has no experience on the matter at hand is telling me British police are better? How? Based on his white privileged experiences. Does that even make sense? Why is it so hard for some white people to understand that if everybody was being treated the way black people are, then racism wouldn't exist and that since it does, white people can never be victims of it and therefore cannot compare their personal experiences to that of a black person?

Let me enlighten you real quick:

*   The ONLY reason America APPEARS worse than England is because most police officers in England don't carry guns, this is about to change.

*   Being 'better' than the US is not enough, this is not a competition of who can treat black people worse. Racism is racism.

*   The ATTITUDE towards black people is the same and maybe even worse! In the US, African Americans are seen as 'less-than' but they are a part of America; in England black people are ALL seen as immigrants (regardless of nationality) and therefore not only are black people seen as 'less-than' but they are also expected to "f**k off and go back to your country" making their rights in England even more fragile e.g. British citizens who are convicted of a crime are being stripped of their nationality and being deported to the countries their parents originated from (which they themselves may have never visited in their lives) after paying their debt to society in prison. Why? You're black so you're never really British.

*   Despite the fact that most British police officers do not carry guns, there is an astounding number of deaths in police custody.

*   Black British communities are just as fearful of the police as African American communities. 

*   In my personal experience, police officers in England are very systematic about removing mobile phones from situations where things might get ugly.

*   White people who are not exposed to this environment are blissfully unaware of the conduct of police officers. 

*   Just because most white people haven't experienced police brutality does not negate its existence. Such is the nature of systematic racism, it doesn't affect white people.

*   When black people are telling you what they face every day, LISTEN!

*   There is nothing worse than people who pretend they don't know racism exists.

*   If you are making excuses for any act labelled racist by a victim of racism, YOU are part of the problem.

*   If you are justifying the murders of black people at the hands of the police, YOU too do not value black lives making you a racist.

*   If you don't understand why a police officer killing a black person is not equivalent to/justified by black on black crime then YOU too are part of the problem. 

*   The information about the treatment of black people in England at the hands of the police doesn't get on the national news until there's a riot e.g. 2011 London Riots.

*   The numbers of deaths at the hands of police officers may be less in England but there are also fewer black people in England (3.5%) than there are in the US (12.6%).

*   Although the deaths of black people at the hands of police officers in America has only recently gained worldwide attention, they have been happening for many, many years.

I am so sick and tired of seeing all these excuses made for police officers who endanger black people! If protecting themselves is more important to them than protecting the communities they serve then being a police officer is the wrong career path for them. If you agree that #BlackLivesMatter then you should be against the actions of murderous and racist police officers. Period.

I do pray that I see a change but if truth be told, I feel helpless. I'm tired of being tired. I'm  tired of black people being reduced to a hashtag. I'm tired of statements made by the likes of Malcom X and Mohammed Ali in the 1950's still being relevant today. I'm tired of the statistics indicating that black people are dying at the same rate in 2016 as they were when slavery was legal. I'm tired of having a target on my back because of my skin colour. I'm tired of people that look like me being killed for no reason. I'm just so tired...

#BLACKLIVESMATTER!!!     #STOPKILLINGUS!!!     #WESHOULDNTHAVETOBEG!!!

Beyoncé displayed the names of victims of police brutality
at her concert in Glasgow, Scotland

10 Important Things I Was Told As A Child

1.  If you want something, go and get it: I was taught that nothing was impossible as long as I was ready to work for it.

2.  Enjoy your childhood: Boy did I take that advice and run with it! Good times :)

3.  Not everyone can be your friend: I accepted from an early age that some people would like me and some wouldn't so I never wasted time or tears on the latter.

4.  You are black: This may seem like a pointless statement but in order to survive institutional racism, the colour of my skin and the prejudices that came with that had to be highlighted.

5.  Knowledge is power and therefore an education is essential: My parents never told me what to study or which knowledge would benefit me but they instilled the hunger for knowledge in me and it has served me well.

6.  The things you do today will affect your tomorrow: This made me think twice before doing anything stupid.

7.  Common sense is more important that getting A's at school: Common sense really isn't common. 

8.  Seize every opportunity: This is probably the best advice I was given by someone outside my family, namely, a teacher. Taking this advice to heart has allowed me to lead an amazing life with so many unconventional experiences.

9.  It's not everything that you see that you must say: Some things are just not meant to be passed on.

10. I love you just the way you are: This was hammered into my head before I would reply 'I love you too' and has allowed me to always remain confident in who I am as a person. 

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me As A Child

1. Don't throw away good bras, breast size changes throughout your life: I have a bit of an obsession with lingerie and have spent a small fortune on bras. If only someone had told me that my bra size would fluctuate I wouldn't have given away my good (and expensive!) bras. *sigh*

2. Failure is a part of life: When you are a high achiever and good at everything you do, parents are so busy encouraging you that they forget to tell you that one day, in whatever aspect of your life, you will fail and that it's ok as long as you get back up again.

3. Graduating from university does not mean automatic success: I'm sure many people can relate to this one. You are encouraged to do so well academically and to get an education but nobody tells you anything about life after graduation.

4. How to make AND keep money: Most people's answer to this is still "Get a job and save." I can assure you that that is not the answer.

5. Your 20s are for getting it together: Somewhere along the line we learned that if we didn't have it all figured out by 21 we had somehow failed society. Having babies you can't afford in a marriage based on puppy love and no real way of covering your student loans only equals a very difficult and unnecessarily stressful life. Take your time!

Normal thoughts for a 21 year old

6. There's no such thing as the perfect relationship but there are many examples of bad relationships: Time and time again I see people putting up with absolute nonsense in their relationships all because "No relationship is perfect so you have to settle", many have even suggested I do the same! Joke's on you.

7. Don't throw away clothes just because they are no longer the 'in' style: In our lifetimes we'll see old fashions come back at least once. Has anyone else seen bootcut jeans making a comeback?

8. Honesty is the best policy BUT sometimes silence is even better: If I had been told this I would have held back on being honest in many situations and would have saved myself a lot of hassle. I have learned that people do not like hearing the truth even if they ask for it.

9. Everyone's idea of 'success' is different: Some people believe that they are not successful until they have a six figure balance in the bank and others, more apparent since the birth of bridal accounts on Instagram (no names!), believe that success is in the size of the ring and/or wedding. It's ok to have your own idea of success and you are not 'unsuccessful' for not achieving standards set by others.

10. Not everyone thinks like you: This seems so obvious but, how many times have you been disappointed by the friend you thought would do for you what you would do for them? Exactly.

Colourism

"Colourism: Prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group." OxfordDictionaries.com

Personally I have never had to deal with colourism and as a result I was a little shocked to realise how big of an issue it was. Growing up I was a member of the only black family in my town so I had more issues with racism than colourism.

My family is very diverse and as such I have always been around family from all over the world and whom are all different shades ranging from white to black. As a child I was predominantly around my mixed race cousins and white friends but never was I made to feel ugly or less worthy because of my complexion.

This is more or less what my family looks like!

I later moved into the heart of London where multiculturalism is the norm and even then the only brief encounter I had with colourism was a myth (or at least that's what I thought it was back then...) that black boys only wanted to date mixed race girls. I believed it was a myth because I had many black male friends who all dated black girls and my black girl friends never had an issue finding a date.

Fast forward 10 or so years, I now understood complexion jokes in movies, "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice" now seemed like a segregational statement, 'School Daze' was no longer just a funny movie and I become overall more conscious. This is when I truly began to understand just how serious and real the problem of colourism is. Even at this point however, colourism didn't directly affect me and seeing hashtags like #TeamLightSkin and #TeamDarkskin on social networks was as stupid and meaningless to me as the cinnamon challenge.

Scene from 'School Daze': War between light & dark skinned girls

As I am currently at the age of settling down and starting a family, I have started thinking of issues that I could possibly face in the pursuit of creating a happy home. I've been thinking of parenting and the best way to raise a well rounded individual and issues that were previously of little importance to me are now up for review. It occurred to me that my child may be that 'silly' person that needs to tweet their every move to feel important or become obsessed with a celebrity or be that girl that believes a UK size 8 (US size 2) is fat; these are all things that I have never experienced or felt. How do you teach a child that self worth is not based on Instagram likes?

Imagine this was your daughter?! My biggest nightmare!

I have always found it ridiculous that people who looked black to the world would go out of their way to call themselves 'mixed' or tell you "My great-grandad was white/chinese/indian" but understanding the existance of colourism doesn't make it sound as silly to me as it previously did. Colourism, even in its Oxford Dictionaries definition, appears to only affect dark skinned girls but as I was watching 'Light Girls' after having previously watched 'Dark Girls' my heart broke at the idea that my little girl, whether her skin is light or dark, could one day face these struggles based solely on a genetic predetermination she had no control over. That my son could subconsciously have a negative outlook on black women even though he loved those in his bloodline. As if living with racism every day wasn't enough of a burden!

'Dark Girls' trailer (2011)

How am I to prepare my children against the same people they are supposed to be able to stand side by side with to fight for equality of races? How do you explain to a child that not only are other races going to look down on them but that there was classism based on skin tone within their own race? My mum is the colour of brown sugar and my dad the colour of chocolate, I see myself as a perfect blend of the two and have always been made to feel as such; how then can I relate to the feeling a person gets from being the 'wrong' shade of black? 

'Light Girls' trailer (2014)

Colourism dates back before the brown paper bag tests (Google it!) and it angers me that colonialism and slavery has left such deep wounds in not only the black race but in other races as well. Finding a cream or lotion in Bankok, Thailand without a lightening agent is like finding money on the street, it happens but very rarely. Lightening products are sold just as freely in supermarkets in Abuja, Nigeria. India is notorious for its skin tone segregation especially when casting for Bollywood movies. In Japan people literally paint their faces white to remove the pigmented appearance of their skin.

Bleaching cream billboard advertisement

I can't even imagine what hating the skin you're in feels like, it's a concept that is quite hard for me to grasp. Outside of the institutional racism that I face every day as a black woman, I have also experienced violent racism but never have I hated myself or my skin colour. Ironically, this could be BECAUSE I grew up around white people. The white people I encountered who were not racist were the first to comment on how beautiful my skin was so I grew up accepting that some caucasians would like me and some wouldn't, either way there was nothing wrong with me and unless they threatened my wellbeing,  how they felt about me was their problem and not mine. 

This is something I hope I can teach my children, how to love themselves irrespective of outside opinions and to allow others to live their lives as they choose instead of criticising or judging them based on their differences/choices.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

Martin Luther King Jr.

Jumping the Broom

I'm at that age where every Saturday means a wedding or a baby shower. It's a time of closing youthful chapters and opening marital ones which of course results in a celebration for all. However, I have noticed some disturbing tendencies.

The first is that marriage is becoming a trend. I don't know if I'm just a little old fashioned but marriage is a BIG deal! The 'till death do us part' kind of big deal! It's not something you just go into because everyone else is doing it and it certainly isn't something you do just to please those nagging aunties that keep asking you "So when are you getting married?"

I know most of you are reading this and thinking "Well, duh!" but trust me, I have noticed the pressures of this era get to the strongest of couples. The truth is, some people are just not ready to get married and they were happy with that fact until everyone around them started jumping the broom, causing them to feel like there was maybe something wrong with them. Add that to auntie Bola's constant nagging and voila!, you have an engagement announcement from an unsure couple.

The second thing I've noticed is the amount of settling that's occurring. Now you guys know how I feel about settling, as I clearly stated in my previous post Mr. Right, I don't play that! I am hearing a lot of "Well I'm twenty-xxx so I can't be picky, any guy I meet and is ready for marriage is a keeper." Now correct me if I'm wrong but this doesn't sound like a good reason to vow to spend your life with someone.

And last but probably the most common, wedding day dreams with no plans for a marriage. As girls we grow up watching Cinderella, Aurora and Belle in their big gowns swaying to music in a huge ballroom with Prince Charming (or Beast as the case may be lol) and we begin at a very early age to decide how our big day is going to look. With age this dream begins to become more elaborate and expensive (girls requesting Cartier engagement rings with no knowledge of diamonds *side eye*) yet in most cases, no thought is given to the day after the wedding and every subsequent day after that.

According to The Guardian, in early 2013 the average wedding in the UK costs around £20K (This certainly didn't include Indian or African weddings! Lol!). The average couple doesn't have £20K in cash to spend on a single day so they tend to require money from both families and a loan from the bank. You'd think with such a huge financial investment on a single day one would make sure they were sure of the partner they had chosen and that they were ready to make a lifetime commitment that is marriage. Unfortunately the answer is no. 

Many couples pay the £20K and have to move in with their parents because they can't afford an apartment. Others spend way above the £20K and then spend most of their married life paying off that one day that was their wedding. I even know of a couple that decided in their 10th year of marriage to get a divorce and had to decide in court who would end up with the remaining wedding loan!

Too many couples (unfortunately its mainly the female counterpart) have great ideas for their wedding day and none on how to sustain a healthy and happy marriage. Starting a marriage in debts up to your ears surely can't be a good idea. The auntie Preeti or uncle Desmond that pressured you into getting married will come to your wedding, eat your jollof rice/akee and saltfish/chicken curry, leave you a £10 Marks & Spencer voucher and go home. If you end up in divorce they will be the first people to say "I could tell from the wedding day something wasn't right about him/her!"

I love these Nigerian Barbie Wedding pics!♥

Marriage is a beautiful thing and I want to celebrate all those who have found that person they want to share the rest of their lives with and have made the vow of commitment to love and to hold. To those not ready or who haven't found 'the one' yet, take your time, there's no rush. Getting married is not a race or an item on a to-do list, just enjoy life and make the commitment when and if you're ready, with the right person for you.

Live, love, laugh x

First I Had A Little, Now I Have A Lot...

I have a bone to pick with a few people that "made it out the hood"! Correction - I have two bones to pick with these people.

Bone Number One - can I just say that buying a house outside 'the hood' but spending 6 days a week in the hood is NOT getting out the hood! The hood is not just a geographical location but also a mentality and an atmosphere so if you sleep in a different area code but spend every waking moment in 'the hood' then sorry love you, ain't left anything! 

Bone Number Two - what kind of child with any love for their parent/s at all makes serious money and leaves their mum in an old council flat or, in this case, the projects? I've recently become addicted to a reality TV show called Basketball Wives (don't judge me!) and in a recent episode one of the main characters, Evelyn Lozada, went to visit her mum who still lives in the projects! Now to be fair, Evelyn herself isn't exactly a millionaire but my thing is if you can drive a Porsche (recently traded in from a Range Rover!), wear Christian Louboutin shoes, carry Louis Vuitton bags and own a high end store, then surely you can move your mum from the projects of the Bronx to a Manhattan apartment!

Bronx Projects

Apartments similar to the one
Evelyn lives in

I see this time and time again, these ghetto people are given a break from poverty and they spend their fortune on 'ice', cars, ridiculously expensive (and ugly!) chains, grills and any other unnecessary rubbish they can claim gives them 'swagger' and forget to invest or put money away for a rainy day! Not long after their second album flops (sometimes it's a one hit wonder single!) you then hear stories that their homes are being repossessed and they are moving back in with their mum whom they had left in the hood! I just wish these people would bloody learn to prioritize jheeze! SMH. 

That is all.

 I hope his mum lives in a mansion...

$2,400,000 for a car! Hell no!!!