The Marriage Formula (Pt. 1)

Oh my gosh guys, its been ages! I looked at my last uploaded post and it's dated February 2015!  O_o

A couple of weeks ago I saw a TED Talk on my twitter timeline (Twitter: @notrude_honest) and I proceeded to watch it. I love TED Talks but I'm not very good at keeping up with things online so I'm heavily reliant on recommendations from friends/colleagues in order to find ones that interest me.

So anyway, I watched this TED Talk by relationship therapist Esther Perel and was instantly reminded of a conversation I'd had regarding marriage. 

We were debating the components that went into a successful marriage and the two most important ones were love and partnership (Please read my disclaimer before you argue this point. Thank you.). To a lot of people the two may be synonymous but we agreed that they weren't; what we didn't agree on was my 'Marriage Formula':

• Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage (good marriage?)
• Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce (bad marriage?)
• Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage

Please note: For the purpose of this post 'love' will refer to the fairytale variety, the "passionate/butterflies in your stomach/can't breathe without you/you complete me/catch a grenade for you" kind of love.

I know that this formula may be widely unpopular but consider what marriage is and why it was created. Before marriage included white dresses, pre-nups and social media hashtags, marriage was simply about survival. You did not choose a mate based on love, you chose a mate based on capabilities; is he skilled enough to go kill an antelope? If I bring the antelope home can she cook it? Are her hips wide enough for safe childbearing? Is he strong enough to build our house and protect our family?  Is he/she healthy? These were reasons to choose a mate and the basis of attraction.

As society developed and customs were formed, coupling became a cause for celebration hence the modern day weddings, and when there was a need for identity and classification, various versions of the modern day marriage certificate were created.

There is still no mention of love. Why? Because marrying for love wasn't practical. Love was something that would develop after the union and even if it didn't, the lineage would continue and humans wouldn't become extinct. There are still many cultures that participate in the process of arranged marriage and some of the world's most popular love stories are based on the effect falling in love with someone 'impractical' has on arranged marriages.

The tragic love story of Romeo & Juliet

So now that we've got that mini history lesson out of the way, let's review my 'Marriage Formula':

Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage: Even if there is no love (please refer to definition above) the basic uses of mating can be fulfilled - survival and procreation - and therefore, if there is great partnership, a marriage, like a business relationship, can have longevity. Regardless of what you consider to be a happy marriage, a marriage based on partnership can be good. The thing that tends to break down these types of marriages is the need for passion/search for 'fairytale' love.

Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce: A marriage based on love can be greatly affected by a bad partnership. In some rare cases love can overcome the lack of partnership and the marriage can survive however, in general, the lack of partnership means that love loses all its glitter and real life sets in. Bills need to be paid, children need to be raised and priorities need to be aligned. Most couples that have "We just grew apart" as the reason for their break up can usually attribute that to an abundance of love but a lack of partnership. They find themselves going in opposite directions in life and although they love each other, their union simply isn't working out.

Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage: What would be considered a perfect marriage by many in this day and age would consist of both a great partnership and love. The practicalities of marriage would be fulfilled by their partnership and their love would take care of the rest.

Lovers & Friends - Teamwork makes the dream work

We've come a long way from living according to basic survival instincts and marriage now consists of a lot more components than it once did, however, in its basic form, marriage can survive without love. I find it really interesting that people, men and women alike, are frowned upon for marrying for stability when that was the whole point of marriage in the first place. Labelling people gold diggers or bums because they choose to marry someone that will make their life more comfortable/stable seems very harsh to me. As long as both parties know what they're agreeing to I honestly don't see the problem.

Although this wasn't the point of Esther Perel's TED Talk, it was interesting to see that her take on marriage was similar to mine and to hear her explain what the changes in our perception of marriage has done to the way we deal with infidelity (I'll cover that in another post). 

At the end of the day, marriage/coupling is now more of a lifestyle choice than a prerequisite for survival and everyone is entitled to do it whichever way they please.

Live and let live!
XOXO

Au Naturel Update (Products)

Let me start by saying that I'm officially a product junkie. Lol!

I have spent a small fortune on hair products since going natural but in 2013 I upgraded from 'Natural Hair Journey' to 'Healthy Hair Journey' so a lot of products have been set aside (they contained non soluble silicones and/or mineral oils) and I spend my money much more wisely. Along the way I've learned that it's not really about which products you use but HOW you use them.

When it comes to products, one of my main deciding factors is 'smell'. If the product smells foul it is not getting purchased! The only exception to this rule is shampoo and only because it's always followed up by a nice smelling conditioner.

I have experimented with making my own products but as I have said in my Journey and Regimen update, I'm lazy when it comes to hair so I'd rather just buy it. The only thing I still enjoy making are deep conditioners, I am yet to find the perfect deep conditioner in a bottle. Here is a list of my favourite products.

Shampoos 

• Shea Moisture Raw Shea Butter Moisture Retention Shampoo
• Dudu Osun/Black Soap

             

Conditioners

I make an avocado, banana, coconut milk, oil mix (any 3 I feel like at the time) and honey deep conditioner but I also buy a few for lazy days and co-washes.

• Giovanni 50:50 Balanced Hydrating-Calming Conditioner
• As I Am Coconut CoWash Cleansing Conditioner
• Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Moisturising Conditioner
• TRESemmé Naturals Nourishing Moisture Conditioner

                   

                            

Leave-in Conditioners

• Kinky Curly Knot Today Leave-in/Detangler
• Giovanni Direct Leave-in Weightless Moisture Conditioner
• KimmayTube Recipe - 2tbsp leave-in conditioner (one of the above), 2tbsp aloe vera juice, 2tsp castor oil, 2tsp oil of choice

                            

Moisturisers (water based products)

• Oyin Handmade Hair Dew Daily Hair Quenching Lotion
• Shea Moisture Organic Coconut & Hibiscus Curl Enhancing Smoothie

                          

Creams (not water based)

• Organic Unrefined Shea Butter
• Carol's Daughter Healthy Hair Butter
• Carol's Daughter Hair Balm

                      

                                                 

Oils

• Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• Jamaican Black Castor Oil
• Organic Coconut Oil
• Vitamin E Oil
• Sweet Almond Oil
• Tea Tree Oil
• Jojoba Oil
• Avocado Oil

             

Styling Products

• Camille Rose Almond Jai Twisting Butter
• Miss Jessie's Curly Buttercreme
• Oyin Handmade Boing! All In One Coil Styler
• Carol's Daughter Loc Butter
• Eco Styler Olive Oil Styling Gel
• Let's Jam Conditioning & Styling Gel (Extra Hold)

                                         

              

                                                  

Spray Bottle Recipe

• Protective style spray: 1/4 conditioner, 1/8 oils (any 3), 1tsp honey, 3 drops tea tree oil and fill with water
• Everyday spray: 1/4 aloe vera juice, 1/8 glycerin and fill with water

Of this list I think only 3 products contain either silicones, parabens, petroleum or mineral oil (Miss Jessie's Curly Buttercreme, Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Conditioner and Let's Jam Conditioning & Styling Gel) the rest, I believe, are 100% natural (correct me if I'm wrong!). I plan to find substitutes for these 3 products and if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments below. 

I would also love to hear your experiences with products, things that have helped you on your journey and any recipes you think are a must try. My main issue is moisture retention so any tips with that will be greatly appreciated.

Healthy hair is happy hair :)

Au Naturel Update (Journey & Regimen)

Oh how things have changed! LOL!

Illustration by Keturah Ariel
I love her work!

Some of you will already know from my previous blog that I decided to start transitioning from relaxed (chemically straightened) hair to natural hair; my last relaxer was in October 2010. I decided not to do the big chop (cut off all my hair and wait for it to grow back) because frankly, I was scared I wouldn't be able to carry off the look. Instead I cut off 4 inches of hair for every 2 inches of growth (I was too lazy to stick to the original 1inch plan) and since my hair grows pretty quickly, I had cut off all my relaxed hair by August of 2011. This post is just an update on my journey, my current regimen and useful sources of information that have helped me along the way. I will write a separate post to highlight the products I use.

The Journey

As I stated before "I'm not entirely sure why I decided to go natural, my hair wasn't breaking and I wasn't trying to make a statement (none of that afro centric stuff!), I guess I was just tired of depending on my perm." so I didn't have a goal when going natural. My hair has always been an instrument to looking good so I guess my only aim was to look good with natural hair. It did not work out that way.

I loved my hair and the new texture and curls that had replaced my previously silky straight strands BUT I didn't feel like I looked good. Before y'all jump into a lecture about black women hating themselves and wanting to look white *rolls eyes* let me just state that that is simply not the case. I have never liked big hair on me any more than I have liked heavy make up or knee length skirts,  it's not a race thing, I just don't like it. Whether it be thick layers of Beyoncé style weave or too many flicks and curls, I just can't deal! Believe me, I've tried!

I am simply not comfortable with big hair so you can just imagine how I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror every day and a huge afro stared back at me. I did the only thing I could do without reaching for the creamy crack (relaxer), I got a weave. For three months I  got weave after weave and refused to face my new hair but it was a very short term solution. I hate weaves too. They itch, they make my head sore and the feel of hair that isn't mine on my face and neck was just too much for me to bear! I was stuck between a rock and a hard place - weave or afro? I chose my afro. I hate big hair but I hate weaves more!

Luckily by this point my hair was long enough to go into a comfortable bun with neatly slicked sides. On bad days when my hair refused to co-operate I would do a puff but I felt very self conscious and uncomfortable. I tried braid/twist outs but to date (August 2014) I am yet to have a successful one.
It took me a while to understand that hair had to be treated right to maintain its health, as a permed chick I always had a hairdresser deal with those technicalities but it became my responsibility and boy did I make many mistakes!

Mistake #1: Avoiding water - I grew up, like most black girls, believing water was bad for your hair. As a natural I avoided water because of the shrinkage, I lose 50%-75% of my hair length when my hair is wet so in order to avoid a tangled mess I avoided water. Now I know better and dampen my hair at least once every two days.

My relationship with water explained
 in a picture lol

Mistake #2: Heat - I have had to cut my hair on two occasions as a result of heat damage. I used to blow-dry my hair straight after every wash when I first went natural (habit from my relaxed days) which meant I had to cut off nearly 7 inches at the end of 2012. Not realizing it was the heat that gave me those hideous ends I continued my blow drying method, albeit less frequently, so by May 2013 I had to cut off another 5 inches. By this time I had started following a few natural haired ladies and realized that heat was a no no so I went a year (May 2013 to May 2014) without any heat and the results were awesome. I did a 3 inch trim in June 2014 as a result of split ends (residual from the head damage I assume) and now my hair looks and feels great.

Heat styling tools - these were my best
friends *covers face*

Mistake #3: Believing my hair couldn't be soft - I don't know where I got this idea from but I guess I just assumed that only people with relaxed hair or silkier textures had soft hair. Since learning how to properly maintain hair moisture my hair has felt heavenly! Probably the best thing I've learned since going natural, if my hair is not soft it's definitely moisture deprived.

Type 'soft hair' in Google images.
No comment.

Mistake #4: Laziness - As I said earlier, my hairdresser dealt with protein/moisture balances and hair maintenance, all I had to do was show up and pay! Going natural made all that my responsibility and boy was I lazy! I often went to bed with no headscarf/bonnet, ignored moisturising, all the while complaining about dryness and once my Senegalese twists were in, my hair was ignored for 5-6 weeks at a time! *covers face* All this resulted in so much 'repair' work that I just had to change my ways and schedule hair maintenance days (I have a busy life and wash day takes forever) to ensure things never got too bad. I'm much better but I still have a lot to learn.

There is a myth that natural hair = healthy hair and this is NOT TRUE! I learned that the hard way :(

By 2013 I had accepted that my minimalist approach to hair wasn't doing me any favours and that if I wanted to look good with natural hair I would have to actually put effort into it. I had seen some Youtubers say they washed their hair 3 times a week and each wash took them 9 hours! That was NEVER going to be me! I have a life and a career and one day I will also have kids, no way was I going to get into a habit of spending 27 hours a week on hair washing alone!
I decided to learn what was essential and try to squeeze it all into a once a week routine. Based on the knowledge I obtained I built up my current regimen and I am happy with it. 

Wash Day Regimen

• Pre-poo: Apply coconut oil and detangle the night before. Cover with shower cap  and satin bonnet then go to bed

• Rinse out coconut oil and co-wash

• Apply deep conditioner, cover with shower cap and towel, leave in for 45-90 minutes (on a really lazy day I leave it in for up to 3 hours! *covers face*)

• Rinse out deep conditioner. Blot out excess water with a t-shirt and apply leave-in conditioner

• Allow to air dry till hair is no longer wet, but still damp and use LOC (Liquid, Oil, Cream) method

• Style and/or air dry

Once a month I also shampoo with a sulfate free shampoo. I have previously tried Apple Cider Vinegar rinses but I didn't notice any benefits. Upon further research I discovered that since I have low porosity hair, ACV isn't optimal for my hair's moisture absorption so I just cut it out all together (I didn't need asking twice! Lol!).

I still get lazy but I try to ensure I wash my hair at least once in 10 days and I now know when my hair needs attention. I haven't perfected the art of "listening to your hair" but by keeping this regimen my hair has definitely become more manageable and there's less fighting before getting it into a neat bun.
Hair Details

Using several sources I was able to determine some characteristics to my hair :

1. Hair Type: 4B/C - The front and crown of my head is 4B while the back and sides are 4C. This makes it a nightmare when using products and probably why twist/braid outs never look quite right.
2. Hair Porosity: Low - This makes it a nightmare to absorb moisture and product build up is a constant battle. I deep condition with body heat to increase absorption.
3. Hair Density: Medium - I have to go easy on hair butters otherwise I end up with limp  & lifeless hair.
4. Hair Width: Medium/Coarse - This is great because I'm not affected by breakage, my strands are quite resistant.
5. Current Hair Length: Between shoulder and armpit length - I've never been big on hair length (more hair, more problems) but I have set myself a goal to become bra strap length by August 2015, I'll keep you updated. 

Hair Length Chart

                           

                                         With assistance from my lil bro -
                                           nearly armpit length (June 2014)

Understanding my hair properties made wash day, styling and buying products much easier. Even if the Youtuber's hair LOOKS like yours, something as small as a difference in porosity will mean you don't get the same results as her with products and/or styles.

Texture shots - 4B/C right? 
The shrinkage is crazy!

Natural hair is a lot of work compared to relaxed hair and I still have A LOT of bad hair days. I don't know if I will ever go back to relaxers but for now I'm happy to keep experimenting with my natural hair. Below are a list of some of my favourite Youtube channels and blogs, hopefully you'll find them as helpful as I did.

Youtube 

SimplYounique - My favourite natural hair channel and her hair type is the closest to mine. She recently relaxed her hair so she may start focusing on the maintenance of relaxed hair. (UPDATE 19/08/2014: She has big chopped for the second time!)
KimmayTube - Good for understanding the science of hair
AfrikanHairGod - Great for styles and general hair maintenance
FusionofCultures - Great for DIY recipes
TheChicNatural - Has great styling tutorials

Blogs

http://www.curlynikki.com
http://www.naturallycurly.com
http://kinkycurlycoilyme.com
http://blackgirllonghair.com

More Keturah Ariel art
I'm at 2 but my goal is 3 by 2015 :)

Healthy hair is happy hair :)

Let's Talk About Sex

I don't know if it's the age that I'm at now or if it's just the way the world has developed but I find that group conversations somehow inadvertently turn to discussions on relationships and sex. What never seizes to amaze me is how people in their mid 20's still know so little about sex and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI)! That may explain why the statistics for unplanned pregnancies and STIs are so high in the United Kingdom.

A particular situation was brought to my attention and I had a sense of deja vu since I'd heard exactly the same scenario before. This girl I know had been experiencing some vaginal symptoms and had gone to get tested. She was told she had thrush and was given treatment to clear it up. The part that shocked me was that she was unaware that the majority of thrush cases were not sexually transmitted (women can get thrush spontaneously) and as a result was suspecting her boyfriend of having infected her! The part of the story that truly baffled me was that, even though she suspected him of cheating on her, she did not plan to confront him about it because she feared it would make her look bad! (This did make me wonder if maybe she too had been getting some action outside of the relationship...*side eye*) The fact that she was making a whole parade of a simple thrush infection left me in a confused state, I didn't know whether to laugh at her stupidity or cry at the fact that she genuinely knew nothing about the risks of having sex and possible STIs.

Another scenario is the one in which a guy from my uni tested positive for chlamydia and accused his girlfriend of cheating. The girl swore she had never cheated and that she also didn't have any symptoms. I knew the girl was very much in love with him (in fact she was obsessed!) and I couldn't see her cheating on him so I asked her to contact her ex and find out if he too tested positive. Sure enough, her ex was positive and she had indeed not cheated. If you don't get regular check-ups and do not present with any symptoms you could be walking around with a STI for years without knowing it. Not only does this sometimes result in irrepairable consequences (chlamydia leads to infertility in women), but you also bring problems and distrust to your new relationship. 

Personally I had a great sex education. From the age of 8 to 16 I was educated on sex every year from different perspectives: scientific (egg and sperm), factual (videos and information leaflets) and social (peer pressure and laws around sex). Needless to say I'm pretty clued up on the ins and outs of sex. Also, the teacher that taught me in secondary school was very blunt and one thing she drilled into our heads was "If you can't talk to your partner about sex, don't do it. If the tool looks funny, don't utilize it." They are pretty basic principles but you'd be surprised at the amount of times I've had conversations with girls that have sex but never discuss it with their partner and the guys that have said the coochie smelled funny but they went ahead with it anyway. The number of guys that do not know that chlamydia can be caught from the back of a girl's throat is just ridiculous! Even more shocking is the number of times you hear "OMG we didn't use protection! I really hope we don't get pregnant!". I've never heard a person hope they don't catch HIV.

I've always said that of the consequences of sex, pregnancy is the best one. There is a general assumption that HIV isn't real and that gonorrhoea and chlamydia are easily treated with antibiotics. What people don't seem to understand is that the number of HIV cases in the UK have more than doubled in the past ten years and that chlamydia and gonorrhoea bacteria can become resistant to the antibiotics if the individual is treated too many times. Also, there are some STIs which are much harder to treat like genital warts, and some that you have to deal with for life, like herpes.

People who are sexually active need to make it their business to know all the possible infections that could be contracted while having sex and getting regular check ups should become the norm. I would go as far as to say that when entering a new relationship both parties should get tested to ensure the relationship starts on a clean slate (and a timeline of infection can be determined! None of those "My ex infected me before you and I got together" lies! *side eye*).

People these days are just too quick to discuss how freaky they get in the bedroom but have issues keeping themselves safe. Is sex really worth playing Russian roulette with your health?

If you have been affected by the contents of this post you can contact NHS Direct for free sexual health advice on 0845 4746  http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealthtopics/Pages/Sexual-health-hub.aspx