First Date 101

Everyone has a different approach to dating but one thing you shouldn't do is waste each other's time. When it comes to 21st century dating I'm a great believer in filtering; there's no point in getting your feelings caught up in a situation that is destined to end badly. I've put together some tips that I think would be useful when applying the filtering method.

Before I go into my first date tips, a post-specific disclaimer: 

The information in this post is provided as an information resource only and is not to be used or relied on for any diagnostic or treatment purposes. This information is not intended to dictate your actions and should not be used as a substitute for common sense.

Thank you.

Ok, so let's set the scene: You have somehow met... let's call them 'Doe' (as in, John/Jane Doe). You and Doe have talked a bit on the phone/social media and you are open to the idea of seeing where this could go and/or potentially starting a relationship. 

Pre-date tips:

1. Make an effort with your appearance - It's not your wedding day but first impressions are important so dress in a way that you feel represents you.
2. Discuss the bill- Don't make assumptions on how the bill will be paid, some people are offended when you offer to pay/go dutch or when you don't show signs of wanting to pay; talk about that on the phone to avoid any awkward moments when the bill comes.
3. Create an exit strategy - This may sound shady but some dates are just bad! Why sit through the whole thing? Make sure you know where you are so you can politely excuse yourself, leave your share of the bill on the table (always do this regardless of the previous agreement if you're leaving early) and leave. #NotRudeHonest
4. Let someone know where you are - Call me paranoid but Doe is still a stranger to you so make sure there's someone that will know something is wrong if you don't resurface after a reasonable time.
5. Ask the all important question: "Do you have someone in your life who would have adverse feelings if they knew we were going on a date?" - We all know how it goes, people claim to be single but are still living with their ex or are seeing someone who thinks they're in a relationship or have just had a baby with someone or are still dealing with an ex who thinks they're getting back together... the loopholes are endless! Don't leave your neck open! (Chris Rock reference lol)
6. Location - Choose a place that will allow you to talk, it is important that you test out your chemistry face to face to determine if there really is something there. If you're going to the cinema then have a meal/drinks after, that way you can discuss the movie as well as get to know each other better.

So you're all set and ready for your first date. You're liking their vibe and you think this could really be something. Whatever you do, keep the conversation flowing. Topics I think you should cover:

1. What they want from this situation - We are all at different stages in life, and we all want different things, you don't want them planning their wedding with you if you don't plan to ever get married. Clear things up quickly.
2. Religion - Don't wait to fall in love to discuss this. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship with someone who shares your beliefs, if there's no room for compromise then cut your losses and save yourself the headache.
3. Hobbies - It sounds so old school but you'll be surprised how a difference in hobbies can cause a lot of friction. If they're into wild adventures and your idea of fun is chilling at home, you will find that they will soon find you boring or you'll feel that they prefer to spend time without you doing those things.
4. Career paths - Sometimes careers can get in the way of love. If they plan to take the next opportunity to move to Hong Kong and you're not into long distance relationships, or you work shifts while they prefer a more regular work pattern you need to discuss the possible compromises that will need to be made.
5. Children - You would be surprised at how many people hide the fact that they have children! I've never understood why but they do, so you need to ask and get a straight answer. In most cases the person won't deny it if asked directly, they just don't mention it if you don't ask. Depending on what your stance is on dating someone with kids, you can make your decision nice and early.
6. Things that are important to you - Everyone has different deal breakers, ask questions and find out if those deal breakers are in this situation, there's no point in embarking on a relationship you already know won't work.

Some people may argue that discussing these topics on a first date is a little heavy but they are, in my opinion, the most overlooked topics and yet they can create very deep cracks in the most established of relationships.

Don't let it get to this point, just leave! LOL!

Things not to do on the first date:

1. Don't be late - It's rude and the person is not invested in you enough to wait 45mins for you. If you are running late just contact them to let them know.
2. Don't discuss ex's - Most break ups are complicated in some way or form so once you get on the topic you stay on it for a while; you don't want to spend the time that you're supposed to use getting to know each other discussing a situation that is dead (or it should be!).
3. Don't create a false image of yourself - Everyone wants to put their best foot forward but remember that your relationship may continue beyond this date and your eagerness to impress may come back to bite you in the arse.
4. Don't be on your phone all night - Not just in a romantic date setting but whenever you are out with people, absorb the moment, give the people you're with your attention.
5. Don't talk too much or too little - You need to show interest in the person you're out with so giving them a chance to speak is key but you also don't want them to feel like getting you to speak is like pulling teeth, things will quickly get awkward.
6. Don't feel obligated to do anything - Kissing on the first date is not compulsory, do as you please, it's your date and your life.

Before anyone starts highlighting the anomalies, dating isn't one-size-fits-all so these are just guidelines that will make your life easier and allow you to filter through the many potentials. A happy relationship is one where both parties are getting what they need (note that I said 'need' not 'want') so the sooner you filter and stop wasting time with people you are simply not compatible with, the quicker you'll be on your way to a happy relationship.

Good luck!

The Marriage Formula (Pt. 1)

Oh my gosh guys, its been ages! I looked at my last uploaded post and it's dated February 2015!  O_o

A couple of weeks ago I saw a TED Talk on my twitter timeline (Twitter: @notrude_honest) and I proceeded to watch it. I love TED Talks but I'm not very good at keeping up with things online so I'm heavily reliant on recommendations from friends/colleagues in order to find ones that interest me.

So anyway, I watched this TED Talk by relationship therapist Esther Perel and was instantly reminded of a conversation I'd had regarding marriage. 

We were debating the components that went into a successful marriage and the two most important ones were love and partnership (Please read my disclaimer before you argue this point. Thank you.). To a lot of people the two may be synonymous but we agreed that they weren't; what we didn't agree on was my 'Marriage Formula':

• Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage (good marriage?)
• Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce (bad marriage?)
• Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage

Please note: For the purpose of this post 'love' will refer to the fairytale variety, the "passionate/butterflies in your stomach/can't breathe without you/you complete me/catch a grenade for you" kind of love.

I know that this formula may be widely unpopular but consider what marriage is and why it was created. Before marriage included white dresses, pre-nups and social media hashtags, marriage was simply about survival. You did not choose a mate based on love, you chose a mate based on capabilities; is he skilled enough to go kill an antelope? If I bring the antelope home can she cook it? Are her hips wide enough for safe childbearing? Is he strong enough to build our house and protect our family?  Is he/she healthy? These were reasons to choose a mate and the basis of attraction.

As society developed and customs were formed, coupling became a cause for celebration hence the modern day weddings, and when there was a need for identity and classification, various versions of the modern day marriage certificate were created.

There is still no mention of love. Why? Because marrying for love wasn't practical. Love was something that would develop after the union and even if it didn't, the lineage would continue and humans wouldn't become extinct. There are still many cultures that participate in the process of arranged marriage and some of the world's most popular love stories are based on the effect falling in love with someone 'impractical' has on arranged marriages.

The tragic love story of Romeo & Juliet

So now that we've got that mini history lesson out of the way, let's review my 'Marriage Formula':

Great Partnership + No love = Long marriage: Even if there is no love (please refer to definition above) the basic uses of mating can be fulfilled - survival and procreation - and therefore, if there is great partnership, a marriage, like a business relationship, can have longevity. Regardless of what you consider to be a happy marriage, a marriage based on partnership can be good. The thing that tends to break down these types of marriages is the need for passion/search for 'fairytale' love.

Bad Partnership + Love = High probability of divorce: A marriage based on love can be greatly affected by a bad partnership. In some rare cases love can overcome the lack of partnership and the marriage can survive however, in general, the lack of partnership means that love loses all its glitter and real life sets in. Bills need to be paid, children need to be raised and priorities need to be aligned. Most couples that have "We just grew apart" as the reason for their break up can usually attribute that to an abundance of love but a lack of partnership. They find themselves going in opposite directions in life and although they love each other, their union simply isn't working out.

Great Partnership + Love = Great marriage: What would be considered a perfect marriage by many in this day and age would consist of both a great partnership and love. The practicalities of marriage would be fulfilled by their partnership and their love would take care of the rest.

Lovers & Friends - Teamwork makes the dream work

We've come a long way from living according to basic survival instincts and marriage now consists of a lot more components than it once did, however, in its basic form, marriage can survive without love. I find it really interesting that people, men and women alike, are frowned upon for marrying for stability when that was the whole point of marriage in the first place. Labelling people gold diggers or bums because they choose to marry someone that will make their life more comfortable/stable seems very harsh to me. As long as both parties know what they're agreeing to I honestly don't see the problem.

Although this wasn't the point of Esther Perel's TED Talk, it was interesting to see that her take on marriage was similar to mine and to hear her explain what the changes in our perception of marriage has done to the way we deal with infidelity (I'll cover that in another post). 

At the end of the day, marriage/coupling is now more of a lifestyle choice than a prerequisite for survival and everyone is entitled to do it whichever way they please.

Live and let live!
XOXO

10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me As A Child

1. Don't throw away good bras, breast size changes throughout your life: I have a bit of an obsession with lingerie and have spent a small fortune on bras. If only someone had told me that my bra size would fluctuate I wouldn't have given away my good (and expensive!) bras. *sigh*

2. Failure is a part of life: When you are a high achiever and good at everything you do, parents are so busy encouraging you that they forget to tell you that one day, in whatever aspect of your life, you will fail and that it's ok as long as you get back up again.

3. Graduating from university does not mean automatic success: I'm sure many people can relate to this one. You are encouraged to do so well academically and to get an education but nobody tells you anything about life after graduation.

4. How to make AND keep money: Most people's answer to this is still "Get a job and save." I can assure you that that is not the answer.

5. Your 20s are for getting it together: Somewhere along the line we learned that if we didn't have it all figured out by 21 we had somehow failed society. Having babies you can't afford in a marriage based on puppy love and no real way of covering your student loans only equals a very difficult and unnecessarily stressful life. Take your time!

Normal thoughts for a 21 year old

6. There's no such thing as the perfect relationship but there are many examples of bad relationships: Time and time again I see people putting up with absolute nonsense in their relationships all because "No relationship is perfect so you have to settle", many have even suggested I do the same! Joke's on you.

7. Don't throw away clothes just because they are no longer the 'in' style: In our lifetimes we'll see old fashions come back at least once. Has anyone else seen bootcut jeans making a comeback?

8. Honesty is the best policy BUT sometimes silence is even better: If I had been told this I would have held back on being honest in many situations and would have saved myself a lot of hassle. I have learned that people do not like hearing the truth even if they ask for it.

9. Everyone's idea of 'success' is different: Some people believe that they are not successful until they have a six figure balance in the bank and others, more apparent since the birth of bridal accounts on Instagram (no names!), believe that success is in the size of the ring and/or wedding. It's ok to have your own idea of success and you are not 'unsuccessful' for not achieving standards set by others.

10. Not everyone thinks like you: This seems so obvious but, how many times have you been disappointed by the friend you thought would do for you what you would do for them? Exactly.

Jumping the Broom

I'm at that age where every Saturday means a wedding or a baby shower. It's a time of closing youthful chapters and opening marital ones which of course results in a celebration for all. However, I have noticed some disturbing tendencies.

The first is that marriage is becoming a trend. I don't know if I'm just a little old fashioned but marriage is a BIG deal! The 'till death do us part' kind of big deal! It's not something you just go into because everyone else is doing it and it certainly isn't something you do just to please those nagging aunties that keep asking you "So when are you getting married?"

I know most of you are reading this and thinking "Well, duh!" but trust me, I have noticed the pressures of this era get to the strongest of couples. The truth is, some people are just not ready to get married and they were happy with that fact until everyone around them started jumping the broom, causing them to feel like there was maybe something wrong with them. Add that to auntie Bola's constant nagging and voila!, you have an engagement announcement from an unsure couple.

The second thing I've noticed is the amount of settling that's occurring. Now you guys know how I feel about settling, as I clearly stated in my previous post Mr. Right, I don't play that! I am hearing a lot of "Well I'm twenty-xxx so I can't be picky, any guy I meet and is ready for marriage is a keeper." Now correct me if I'm wrong but this doesn't sound like a good reason to vow to spend your life with someone.

And last but probably the most common, wedding day dreams with no plans for a marriage. As girls we grow up watching Cinderella, Aurora and Belle in their big gowns swaying to music in a huge ballroom with Prince Charming (or Beast as the case may be lol) and we begin at a very early age to decide how our big day is going to look. With age this dream begins to become more elaborate and expensive (girls requesting Cartier engagement rings with no knowledge of diamonds *side eye*) yet in most cases, no thought is given to the day after the wedding and every subsequent day after that.

According to The Guardian, in early 2013 the average wedding in the UK costs around £20K (This certainly didn't include Indian or African weddings! Lol!). The average couple doesn't have £20K in cash to spend on a single day so they tend to require money from both families and a loan from the bank. You'd think with such a huge financial investment on a single day one would make sure they were sure of the partner they had chosen and that they were ready to make a lifetime commitment that is marriage. Unfortunately the answer is no. 

Many couples pay the £20K and have to move in with their parents because they can't afford an apartment. Others spend way above the £20K and then spend most of their married life paying off that one day that was their wedding. I even know of a couple that decided in their 10th year of marriage to get a divorce and had to decide in court who would end up with the remaining wedding loan!

Too many couples (unfortunately its mainly the female counterpart) have great ideas for their wedding day and none on how to sustain a healthy and happy marriage. Starting a marriage in debts up to your ears surely can't be a good idea. The auntie Preeti or uncle Desmond that pressured you into getting married will come to your wedding, eat your jollof rice/akee and saltfish/chicken curry, leave you a £10 Marks & Spencer voucher and go home. If you end up in divorce they will be the first people to say "I could tell from the wedding day something wasn't right about him/her!"

I love these Nigerian Barbie Wedding pics!♥

Marriage is a beautiful thing and I want to celebrate all those who have found that person they want to share the rest of their lives with and have made the vow of commitment to love and to hold. To those not ready or who haven't found 'the one' yet, take your time, there's no rush. Getting married is not a race or an item on a to-do list, just enjoy life and make the commitment when and if you're ready, with the right person for you.

Live, love, laugh x

Sexual Chocolate

Everyone at one point or another gets tempted by Sexual Chocolate. Sexual Chocolate is that guy or girl that is so tempting yet, may come with consequences. Like chocolate, you may enjoy the experience but may regret the resulting cavities and/or calories.

We live in a generation where sex 'just happens'. There is no introduction of parents, no courting,  no waiting till marriage, no exchanging of cash (prostitution is a lucrative business!), no discussing the aftermath - it just happens. In some cases this may occur with a stranger but, more often than not, it's with a person you know and this is where the concept of 'friends with benefits' was born.

For those of you who don't know, a friend with benefits is a person you have a friendship with but allow to receive the benefits (usually sexual) of a boyfriend/girlfriend.

It sounds like a great deal, the person is your friend and you trust them so what better person to share your body with right? Wrong. As portrayed in the movie, one or both parties ALWAYS end up 'catching feelings'. This seems like an obvious outcome but to many, finding out they feel a little more than just 'friend love' after embarking on a sexual relationship, comes as a surprise.

You see the problem with Sexual Chocolate (the deal) is that it looks so good! You have this guy/girl that you really like as a person, are comfortable with and trust. You are both single (if you're not it's called cheating! *side eye*) and enjoy each others company but getting into a serious relationship, for whatever reason, isn't an option. However, you both have needs so why not satisfy those needs together?!

This arrangement may work for a while but in most cases it eventually turns sour and you're left dealing with the cavities (consequences). Any of the following is likely to occur:

• One person decides they want an official romantic relationship but the other person doesn't feel the same way
• One person finds a guy/girl they want to embark on a romantic relationship with and therefore wants out of the deal
• The relationship loses its 'no strings attached' edge and becomes complicated
• Both parties decide to make the relationship official but then it doesn't work out

In all these scenarios the overall outcome is the same, they can no longer be just friends (calories).

Not all people end up with cavities and/or calories but they are a very lucky few. Some people just get over it and resume being friends but how do you explain to your new partner that this friend is someone you once had regular sex with? Yeah I didn't think so. 

So is Sexual Chocolate worth losing a good friendship? That's the million dollar question but dayum, chocolate tastes so good... 

Not Rude, Honest ;)

Let's Talk About Sex

I don't know if it's the age that I'm at now or if it's just the way the world has developed but I find that group conversations somehow inadvertently turn to discussions on relationships and sex. What never seizes to amaze me is how people in their mid 20's still know so little about sex and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI)! That may explain why the statistics for unplanned pregnancies and STIs are so high in the United Kingdom.

A particular situation was brought to my attention and I had a sense of deja vu since I'd heard exactly the same scenario before. This girl I know had been experiencing some vaginal symptoms and had gone to get tested. She was told she had thrush and was given treatment to clear it up. The part that shocked me was that she was unaware that the majority of thrush cases were not sexually transmitted (women can get thrush spontaneously) and as a result was suspecting her boyfriend of having infected her! The part of the story that truly baffled me was that, even though she suspected him of cheating on her, she did not plan to confront him about it because she feared it would make her look bad! (This did make me wonder if maybe she too had been getting some action outside of the relationship...*side eye*) The fact that she was making a whole parade of a simple thrush infection left me in a confused state, I didn't know whether to laugh at her stupidity or cry at the fact that she genuinely knew nothing about the risks of having sex and possible STIs.

Another scenario is the one in which a guy from my uni tested positive for chlamydia and accused his girlfriend of cheating. The girl swore she had never cheated and that she also didn't have any symptoms. I knew the girl was very much in love with him (in fact she was obsessed!) and I couldn't see her cheating on him so I asked her to contact her ex and find out if he too tested positive. Sure enough, her ex was positive and she had indeed not cheated. If you don't get regular check-ups and do not present with any symptoms you could be walking around with a STI for years without knowing it. Not only does this sometimes result in irrepairable consequences (chlamydia leads to infertility in women), but you also bring problems and distrust to your new relationship. 

Personally I had a great sex education. From the age of 8 to 16 I was educated on sex every year from different perspectives: scientific (egg and sperm), factual (videos and information leaflets) and social (peer pressure and laws around sex). Needless to say I'm pretty clued up on the ins and outs of sex. Also, the teacher that taught me in secondary school was very blunt and one thing she drilled into our heads was "If you can't talk to your partner about sex, don't do it. If the tool looks funny, don't utilize it." They are pretty basic principles but you'd be surprised at the amount of times I've had conversations with girls that have sex but never discuss it with their partner and the guys that have said the coochie smelled funny but they went ahead with it anyway. The number of guys that do not know that chlamydia can be caught from the back of a girl's throat is just ridiculous! Even more shocking is the number of times you hear "OMG we didn't use protection! I really hope we don't get pregnant!". I've never heard a person hope they don't catch HIV.

I've always said that of the consequences of sex, pregnancy is the best one. There is a general assumption that HIV isn't real and that gonorrhoea and chlamydia are easily treated with antibiotics. What people don't seem to understand is that the number of HIV cases in the UK have more than doubled in the past ten years and that chlamydia and gonorrhoea bacteria can become resistant to the antibiotics if the individual is treated too many times. Also, there are some STIs which are much harder to treat like genital warts, and some that you have to deal with for life, like herpes.

People who are sexually active need to make it their business to know all the possible infections that could be contracted while having sex and getting regular check ups should become the norm. I would go as far as to say that when entering a new relationship both parties should get tested to ensure the relationship starts on a clean slate (and a timeline of infection can be determined! None of those "My ex infected me before you and I got together" lies! *side eye*).

People these days are just too quick to discuss how freaky they get in the bedroom but have issues keeping themselves safe. Is sex really worth playing Russian roulette with your health?

If you have been affected by the contents of this post you can contact NHS Direct for free sexual health advice on 0845 4746  http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealthtopics/Pages/Sexual-health-hub.aspx

Till Death Do Us Part

There are rumours circulating that Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith are due to divorce after 14 years of marriage. I don't know about everyone else but I'm really saddened by this news! 

We live in an era where marriages often end before death comes knocking so I find it very inspiring when I hear or see people who are still managing to keep it together despite their careers and life throwing hurdles at them. The Smith's are one of the two couples I truly look up to (the other is the Beckham's) and it would be really sad if it truly is the end of the road for them.

I'm going to pay homage to other black couples who have kept it together (so far!) through the rainy days because they truly deserve a standing ovation.

• Actor Samuel L. and LaTanya Jackson, 31 years

• Actor Denzel and Pauletta Washington, 28 years

• President Barack and Michelle Obama, 19 years

• Basketball player Mitch and Juli Richmond, 18 years

• Director Spike and Tonya Lee, 16 years

• Basketball player Byron and Kim Russell, 15 years

• Actor and comedian Chris and Malaak Rock, 14 years

• Actor Courtney B. and Actress Angela (Bassett) Vance, 14 years

It's inspiring to see couples that are making it through the 'publicity wedding', 'single black women/baby mothers' and 'Hollywood marriages' stereotypes, even more so, to see that some people still believe and work hard at the 'till death do us part' section of the wedding vows. I pray that when I get married I too will be able to boast about making it through decades of marriage.