x 5 ÷ 2

I recently got into a conversation about relationships with one of my guy friends. Somewhere along the line the topic of sexual partners came up and he told me of his x5÷2 rule. The rule dictates that when he asks a woman how many sexual partners she's had he times the number by 5 and divides it by 2 to get the 'real' number! I'm pretty sure many guys will agree with this rule and may even opt to cut out the division stage but really, do all women lie about the number of partners they've had and if so, why?

My friend was very shocked to discover that I've never believed any guy that told me he's had more than 20 different partners and was even more shocked to know that I believed the average for women was about 6 instead of the 15 that he thinks it is. He gave me the whole 'women love sex just as much as guys do' speech and that therefore it was unrealistic of me to think that when women were out of a relationship they all chose celibacy. I'm not naive and I already knew that but whereas he implied women chose several different guys to sleep during the 'cold lonely nights', I have always assumed they just had the one trusted person with whom they chose to spend that time with.

What I really don't get is why women lie about it. Men have come to accept that a woman's libido can be just as high and adventurous as a man's and they are fully aware that the number provided isn't necessarily always accurate so why the lies? Also, if you think sleeping with a variety of men is ok, why lie about it? If you don't thinks it is, why do it?

I know it's always been taboo for a woman to have more than the 'acceptable' number of sexual partners but aren't we in a day and age where that rule has been cancelled out or at least where the 'acceptable' number has been increased? I mean, if men think the average is 15 then obviously anything below or slightly above that won't make him think any less of you. I've always thought being a 'hoe' was dependent on the way a person goes about their sexual experiences than on how many people they experienced it with. And anyway, if guys are averaging 50 sexual partners (which apparently is the case) then its obvious that women cannot possibly have just 5! 

I do have to say that I do not think that women can be as 'free' as men when it comes to sex (I don't think its cool for guys to sleep around either but hey, that's another story) but if the average really is 15 then why lie and say 4? It will obviously make the guy not trust you and that does not make for a good start to a relationship. What I say is this, if you are happy with the way you lead your life then own it and don't let any guy make you feel the need to lie about it,if you are not then just change your ways. Either way don't lie about it, it implies that you are guilty of something.

It's your life, do what you want with it.

For Coloured Girls

About a month ago I watched the movie 'For Coloured Girls' by Tyler Perry. Now I have to say I am not a fan of his and have always thought his movies where mediocre at best but this one blew me away.

It was the right combination of a great plot (from a book called 'For Coloured Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is not Enough), great actresses and a good director/producer. The movie was so deep I cried (literally!) and it left me speechless. I'm not going to ruin the movie for you by giving you details but it just showed how much of a struggle life is being a woman and I was sad to acknowledge that whereas a few years ago these same scenes would have been shocking, now they are just part of our everyday lives.

The only problem is that I am now so paranoid (there's a rape scene) that I'm acting like every man is out to get me! This further highlights how realistic this movie was and it will definately get you thinking. I have to take my hat off to Tyler Perry for a job well done and a standing ovation to the women who made the movie come to life.

Coloured girls (and we all have one colour or another!), enjoy!

Solitaire

Why are people so scared of being alone? I don't mean alone as in never find a life partner, I mean alone as in by yourself for a given amount of time.

I recently spent nearly a month completely alone in my house. Now don't get me wrong, I could have gone out if I wanted to and there were people I could have spent time with but I just chose not to. It was the end of a very difficult four months for various reasons and I was just glad to literally have nothing I HAD to do. I was totally exhausted anyway so I spent the first week or so sleeping! I'm talking 16 hours straight zzzz's, woke up to eat and shower and back to bed! I loved it! Then my body started to protest about the overload of shut eye I was getting so it refused to lay dormant for more than 10 hours. Considering I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours every night for the four months I was happy to compromise. I spent the rest of the time watching 'Girlfirends' (I loved that show) online, movies (caught up on every movie I'd ever missed!), eating to my heart's content and generally lounging. I was invited out quite a bit but even when I did agree to go, I'd cancel because I just didn't feel like leaving the comfort of my bed.

The thing that I found really interesting is that every time someone heard what I did they would look at me like I has suddenly turned into Medusa! They would ask how I 'coped' and was I depressed! Am I the only one that was born alone? I mean, even twins don't come out at the same time! Why was it so hard for people to believe that I was actually HAPPY to have time to myself in the most literal sense? 

I don't know about everyone else, and maybe I am weird, but I love my own company. I enjoy being in a place where I can hear my own thoughts, watch a movie without interruptions, choose whether or not I speak to someone and not have to share the cake I baked! Maybe it's because I came from a family full of people where such times are luxuries or maybe I'm just confident and comfortable in my own body that I don't need another body next to me to make me feel alive. I like to think it's the latter.

I think people need to start seeing solitude as a blessing and not a curse, there's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely and they don't always come together. I personally would rather be alone with a good book than to be in a room full of people and feel lonely.

Alone, not lonely...

Baby Mama Drama

Someone on my FB recently put up a status stating that baby mama's shouldn't expect more from a waste man after they give birth than they did before. Naturally this caused an uproar from many people, some taking it personal, others missing the point and some simply not reading the status properly and therefore putting up an irrelevant argument. Personally I agreed with the statement 100%, how can you knowingly get with a waste man and expect him to transform into a serious individual over night?

An acquaintance of mine (you know I never reveal names!) recently had a baby and the status brought her to mind immediately. She had been seeing this guy on and off for a while, both deciding that a stable relationship wasn't really their thing and seeing other people in between (to each their own). I need to clearly state that this wasn't really an agreement as it was an outcome; one day he was there and they were having fun, the next he was ignoring her calls and they wouldn't speak for months and THEN he would just reappear and they would start where they left off (no comment!). Just over a year ago they decided they were going to be serious with each other and as a result became exclusive (or so she thought!).

Cut the long story short, after a few months she gets pregnant and the guy is adamant that he doesn't want it. The situation became quite complicated and as a result the guy was forced to confess that he had been lying about a lot of things, one of the things being that he wasn't single but in fact had a girlfriend he had been with for several years. Turns out he would only get in contact with the girl in question when he and his girlfriend were having issues! After his confession he must have felt releaved because he was now all hands on about being a daddy even though he had conveniently forgot to tell his girlfriend he was having a baby by another woman! (That's a whole different story!)

Flash forward 9 months and the baby is now here. Obviously during the pregnancy all the females around her had discussed how important it was for her to remain focused on her and her child and to forget any drama coming from the baby dad. She had been in full agreement and had given the independent woman speech "I don't care what he does or if he doesn't want to be with me, all I care about is me and my child blah blah blah" *rolls eyes*. You might want to note that at this point the girlfriend had found out (yes found out, she had not been told!) so all in all it was drama on a silver platter.

Unfortunately I had the displeasure of meeting this guy and, to put it mildly and as nicely as I can, I was NOT impressed. If the whole situation wasn't proof enough, he might as well have had the words 'WASTE MAN' tattooed on his forehead because even that couldn't have said it any louder! On top of that he was also rude and disrespectful so I knew this wasn't going to be a 'happily ever after' situation.

I hope I have clearly depicted an image of the situation so you fully understand that this dude never pretended to be something he's not. I mean even when he was lying to her he was still a waste man, when the truth came out the details were different but the essence was still the same, WASTE!

So please tell me why this girl started cussing and hyping and getting broken hearted after the child was born!? We had established he was waste from the get go so why on earth are you upset that he's waste now? Why am I seeing statuses about 'I thought you loved me', 'You're not doing what you said you would' and 'You bring too much drama to my life'? He was pretty clear where he stood if you ask me so why the 'I didn't know' act? What happened to 'I don't care if he doesn't want to be with me'?

And this is what my FB friend was trying to say on her status, if a guy is waste before you give birth why do you get upset and worked up over him when he continues to be waste after the baby is here? Why would you think a guy who is happy lying to you for years, continuously cheating on his girlfriend, having a baby behind his girlfriend's back and disrespecting you in front of everyone would become the perfect loving and doting baby daddy? If he was unreliable before what makes you think he will become reliable now? Its one thing if a guy pretends to be all these things and then changes when the baby is born but in the majority of these heartbroken statuses, that isn't the case!

The way I see it is this, if you want to have a baby with a waste man that's entirely your business but don't start crowding my FB newsfeed and BB updates with your 'heartache' because nobody who knows the situation is feeling sorry for you. If you want a guy who will respect you as the mother of his child and will be a decent baby daddy then ensure you are only sleeping with such guys.

Not rude, honest...

What is "real" hair?

A follow up to my last post:

Documentaries like 'Good Hair' by Chris Rock and Tyra Banks' talk show episodes based on the subject of hair have highlighted the impact of hair in the black community and the lengths people will go to have 'good hair'. But what is 'good hair'?

Sadly what I learned from these shows is that the majority of black people associate good hair with silkiness, straightness and  'the white girl flow'. Now I don't know about you guys but I have never met a black person who doesn't have a mixed heritage with any of these qualities!

On the same topic, there is a huge debate on what is considered to be 'real' hair. Is it the hair that grows out of your scalp? Does your hair stop being 'real' when you add chemicals? If you are wearing a weave made from human hair is that 'real hair'? Is it acceptable to wear another human's hair on your head?

I'd like to know your thoughts and feelings on the matter so please leave a comment.

Let's Talk Hair

I recently decided to go natural meaning I plan to stop perming/relaxing my hair. I don't have any deep or meaningful reasons, I just felt like it really. My best friend has natural hair and I therefore decided to ask her what I could do with my hair now that I couldn't wear it in my usual straight and sleek shoulder length way. She advised me to go on Youtube and look for ideas and nothing could have prepared me for what I discovered.

First of all, I thought I would find 20, maybe 50, videos on hair care and was surprised to discover that there are an endless amount of videos dedicated to hair! Secondly, each video had thousands of views! And lastly they had their own language! For those of you who knew this hair community existed you are probably thinking I'm over reacting but I can assure you I had no idea that so many people thought hair was so important that they needed to spend their time making videos about it.

Now, whereas I found some video tutorials quite helpful, I feel this whole hair thing is absolutely ridiculous! We are talking about dead protein here! I had women telling me they spent 9 hours on washing their hair the 'right way' and did so three times a week! Do these women have anything going on in their lives because I can't see anyone with a 9-5 Monday to Friday spending 27 hours a week on hair, it's a joke!

Also I could barely follow what they were saying due to the terms being used! Is hair so important that it requires its own language!? Some examples include:

* Big chop - when you choose to stop perming/relaxing and cut all your chemically treated ends off

* TWA - Teeny Weeny Afro

* Co-wash - when you replace you shampoo with conditioner therefore 'conditioner washing' your hair

* Braid outs - when you plait your hair the night before and take it out in the morning leaving your hair curly

* Transitioning hair - going from permed/relaxed hair to natural (chemically untreated) hair without the big chop

The other problem I found with these videos is that none of the 'teachers' had afro hair. I know that the term 'black hair' is widely used but there is a distinct difference between the hair of a black person with mixed heritage and afro hair therefore, for all the thousands of videos available online, an afro haired person would receive no help whatsoever!

Don't get me wrong, I do feel hair is an important part of a woman's appearance and I agree that it can make or break your look but to spend so much time on it that you're making weekly video updates is ridiculous. There are children starving all over the world, if you've got that much time on your hands go and volunteer in countries than need your help!

Hair is beauty but its nice when it comes with some brains!